Hi All
Things have been hard especially with my father being the grade one arsehole he knows how to be, my father thinks he is blameless for my anxiety, my stress, my unhappiness but he is so often the emotional trigger in my life I wish I could cut out.
I hate my dad, he's a selfish, arrogant, prick and unfortunately for me I share DNA with him.
I heard that he was taking 10 days holiday for Christmas and this filled me with dread, him at home day in day out criticising, making snarky comments, running my mother ragged as she makes more excuses for his laziness. His presence makes my anxiety shoot through the roof, I felt my heart beating fast and wishing I could be away from him. His energy is so negative, I feel dragged down by his hate and self righteousness. Being the product of a very dysfunctional relationship isn't easy, as I grew up I observed and noted from a very young age that He is the taker, whilst my mother is the giver in the relationship, he sucks everything out of her until she is completely dry and she lets him. He pretends he is not selfish and that his intentions are good, whilst it's clear to everyone else that his only concern is for himself. He's not in love with my mum, he's just in love with being waited on hand food and finger, whilst living as though he is a bachelor. He seems to get the best of both worlds, swanning off whenever he wants from his family to do what he genuinely wants to do whilst coming home whenever he likes to enjoy the stability of a family life, where unfortunately my mother caters to his every whim.
In some respect I suppose she is partly to blame, my mother that is. She has allowed this man and his faults to dominate her life and her children's for years. My father is a chauvinistic pig, who thinks whatever he does goes beneath the radar, sadly for him his behaviour became transparent to me at a very young age. I don't have a relationship with my dad like most young women would do, I can't stand my dad. He is emotionally inept, self involved, and uncompromising. The idea of my dad doing all the mile stones with me fills me with horror. I would never want him to walk me down the isle, if I were to ever to get married, I wouldn't want him if I had any children (which I think is highly unlikely) to be massively involved in their lives, I see him as toxic he always utilises me as his kicking post, finding blame anywhere he can to be assigned to me. I feel uncomfortable in my own home when he is present. I desperately wish my mother would put him in his place, let him know she knows his behaviour is unacceptable and that this complete disrespect he has shown towards her and his children will not be tolerated. I deeply resent him for the dynamics that he has created within our home and I desperately wish my mother would act as though she had a spine. It's so odd that In all other aspects of her life she has no issue with holding back, ever but when it comes to him he becomes a fragile precious little darling to be catered to. Rather than the Middle aged, mummy's boy that he has always been.
As a child I use to resent his absence, always doing what he wanted to do, going to golf while my mother did everything in the house, whilst secretly resenting him but never telling him. So his behaviour went unchecked, and the relationship became even more one sided, it seemed to become a marriage of convenience rather than a marriage of love.
My father has always put his own mother first before his own family. She is a bitch, and always has been, my dad would allow her to bully me as a child, calling me names, 'fat' 'ugly' 'plain', from the 'other side of the family'. He never said a word in response to her, I was never worthy enough for him to fight for me, to stand up to his prig of a mother. The day I heard them talking saying that I was 'too fat' and had to 'have something done about it', was the day both of them became transparent to me. My Grandmother is my Grandmother in name only, she is nothing to me but a decrepid old biddy who shunned me as a child, and my father is a spineless coward who would never cross his mother. The day I heard that and he would not stand up for me was the day when I decided my father is no one to me.
I will never forget one year when it was Christmas, I was 14 years old, my father had food poisoning and was laying in bed. It was maybe 10am in the morning, he could not go in to see his mother who at this point had so many ailments she needed 24h nursing care, and was in a nursing home. My brother and I had not opened anymore presents as he beckoned my mother, my brother and I all in to the room as he barked 'you better all hurry up and go and see my mum, you need to hurry up, stop faffing about'. My mother told him that we would go soon but we weren't ready, he told her that was not good enough and we had to go that instant. I hated him. There are many point in my life where I have hated my father, and this was one of them. Our own enjoyment was irrelevant to him, the fact that I had not even had a shower didn't matter, what we wanted to do didn't count, it was all about what he wanted, how his mother was the most important and we had to forget about ourselves. We were there an hour, in the nursing home, and came back, he told us that we had not spent enough time with her. Never mind the fact that we had guests coming for Christmas dinner and we needed to be at home 'fuck them' he said, my mother's family could be let down but his precious mother had to have all the time in the world spent with her.
Both my parents favour my brother, my mother has always had more time for him, loved him more and been much softer with him than she is with me, my father makes it quite clear I hold no place with him emotionally other than with the title of his daughter. He hates I see his faults, no one is perfect don't get me wrong but it's the blatant selfishness that gets me every single time.
My mother is the one who does everything, when it come to Christmas she buys all the presents but he must put his name to it, I don't thank him anymore for any gifts and why should I? He has never helped my mother at all, he's happy to take the credit but not to open his wallet. This kind of selfishness kills me, he will let my mum pay for everything and if she didn't offer to pay he never would. He feels no remorse, no guilt for the weedy man he has become.
He is emotionally abusive, he has called me names and used my illness as an excuse to suggest my recollection of things are untrustworthy. I hate this. Eating disordered I am, but demented I am not.
I needed to write about this to release some of the deep seated hurt and anger I have felt that has been bubbling away since he has been at home more.
Do you have a parent that is an emotional trigger?
If so how do you distance yourself from it?
Love and Peace
V
xxx
Sunday 22 December 2013
Thursday 19 December 2013
A better day
Hi All
Bad day over yesterday thank god and today is slightly better. I haven't been able to break the cycle for rehydration today but I have been able to eat a little bit of breakfast, and plan for tomorrow.
I have discovered that some foods just don't work for me, I can't eat them, if I do I panic and end up excersising like crazy, feasting on laxatives or being so bloated I don't know what to do with myself.
These foods are
1) Bread
2) Pasta- NUMBER ONE MASSIVE food that never ever works for me.
3) Red meat
4) Butter
5) Cakes, biscuits etc
6) Greasy food
7) Potatoes
8) Rice
9) Mayo
10) Foods with a large surface area.
Soup works well for me but I worry about the heaviness of it in my body compared to something else so when I have soup I tend to massively restrict on liquids, to compensate for it. I love the covent Garden Mushroom soup, they rarely have it in supermarkets and I have to go to lots of different places to get it, but I love it. 81kcals of pure heaven. When I have gone through 'rehydration' and am dieting to get my weight back to where I need it to be this will be something I will be eating often.
I have to plan a brunch menu for people who are coming over for xmas brunch on Saturday. I'm doing scrambled eggs with chives, veggie and non veggie sausages, breakfast potatoes, croissants, home made blueberry muffins, German Christmas cake (don't know how to spell it schtolen?), breakfast potatoes with rosemary and garlic, smoked salmon, fresh fruit salad, granola parfait, I hope it's good. I love doing stuff for other people like this, even though I doubt i'll eat any of it, maybe a little fresh fruit.
I can't believe it's a little under a week until xmas! Where has the time gone?
Anyways, just my ramblings for today.
#feeling calmer.
peace, love and hope.
xxxx
V
Bad day over yesterday thank god and today is slightly better. I haven't been able to break the cycle for rehydration today but I have been able to eat a little bit of breakfast, and plan for tomorrow.
I have discovered that some foods just don't work for me, I can't eat them, if I do I panic and end up excersising like crazy, feasting on laxatives or being so bloated I don't know what to do with myself.
These foods are
1) Bread
2) Pasta- NUMBER ONE MASSIVE food that never ever works for me.
3) Red meat
4) Butter
5) Cakes, biscuits etc
6) Greasy food
7) Potatoes
8) Rice
9) Mayo
10) Foods with a large surface area.
Soup works well for me but I worry about the heaviness of it in my body compared to something else so when I have soup I tend to massively restrict on liquids, to compensate for it. I love the covent Garden Mushroom soup, they rarely have it in supermarkets and I have to go to lots of different places to get it, but I love it. 81kcals of pure heaven. When I have gone through 'rehydration' and am dieting to get my weight back to where I need it to be this will be something I will be eating often.
I have to plan a brunch menu for people who are coming over for xmas brunch on Saturday. I'm doing scrambled eggs with chives, veggie and non veggie sausages, breakfast potatoes, croissants, home made blueberry muffins, German Christmas cake (don't know how to spell it schtolen?), breakfast potatoes with rosemary and garlic, smoked salmon, fresh fruit salad, granola parfait, I hope it's good. I love doing stuff for other people like this, even though I doubt i'll eat any of it, maybe a little fresh fruit.
I can't believe it's a little under a week until xmas! Where has the time gone?
Anyways, just my ramblings for today.
#feeling calmer.
peace, love and hope.
xxxx
V
Wednesday 18 December 2013
Feeling deflated, angry and unsure
Dear all
So it's been a month since I have been blogging, I feel like I have been in hibernation, sorry about that. I have been crazy busy with my essay submissions for uni which are now all handed in thank god.
So I guess what I have to own up to is that I haven't managed to go through rehydration yet like I was suppose to. I'm too scared, though things aren't exactly working out well as they are at the moment.
As you know I had been ill and had lost "water" weight from that, I know this logically but emotionally accepting that the water needs to be put back is another story. I have put on 1kg in a day! I am furious, I was so angry in fact that I through a vase that I have always hated on the floor and watched it smash.
I'm so angry, i'm angry at my body that this putrid, vile destestible piece of shit could betray me like this, i'm suppose to be stepping away from the scales in order to go through rehydration but I can't. The scales tell me whether i'm happy or miserable for the day, whether I can eat, need to fast, take laxatives, need to spend my day exercising or whether it's so depressing I need to stay in bed and sleep the day away etc. I don't want to get out of bed when the scales have gone up. And now the xmas season is upon us and I have all these parties to go to.
Problem for Victoria and Anorexia is that I can't face going through 'rehydration' and having to attend to all these parties feeling like the fucking elephant in the room. People know me and going through rehydration is too difficult to explain to people. "Hi Yes, I have put on weight, but no it's not from food but water and please don't think this means i'm happy and doing well with food- i'm not'. Definitely not a great conversation starter. So i'm going to have to put on this brave face and do that smile everyone does when they don't want to talk about It but have to pretend like they are happy. If I hear any more comments about how 'well' I look and 'congratulations' for going into treatment last year, then I will scream. All these fucking people haven't got a clue how hard it is for me, how I didn't want it, how I don't want it and how that the process of rehydration is nothing more than a way for me to regain control, stop using behaviours I hate and lose the weight to where I am happy, comfortable and not suicidal.
I have gone through rehydration before, but every time it's through an infusion, but I don't need the infusion currently because i'm taking pills to make sure my electrolytes stay in range, I wasn't doing that before but I have learnt my lesson.
My fear is that i'll gain huge amounts and not stabilise. I know this isn't possible logically, no human just keeps on going and going. But emotionally I feel like an insect being tortured with a huge magnifying glass burning away at my soul. I can't bear to look at me, I can barely tolerate my body as it is today, how the hell am I going to get through 4-6lbs of water weight gain?
I comfort myself for today with the massive packet of laxatives I have taken, your suppose to take one pill, but I've taken 8 and i'll take more later. I'm cross and want a good starting point, for rehydration. I'm thinking maybe I can help myself by fasting for the next couple of days and losing actual weight, that way the rehydration amount won't seem so bad. The problem for me is that when I get to a weight I feel okay at, I get attatched and gaining water, fat, muscle, weight, whatever it maybe becomes so unbearable.
What they did to me in treatment is abuse, I know that, they violated me and I will never let that go, but I feel by going through rehydration i'm mimicking what they did to me in treatment, only it would be temporary. The problem for me is I don't know if I have the fight in me to stay the course of 10-14 days to stabilise my water rehydration without panicking way too much and packing it in.
I know logically I must be dehydrated, I ate 200 kcal on one day and didn't lose a bean the next day. Imagine what would happen to me if I ate 1000 or 800. 1000 is way to high and completely unreaslistic I think, for one i'd never be able to get it down and 2 i'd be in agony, my stomach aches when I eat.
I just wish I had never been forced into treatment and this nightmare would have not been so great, I would either have died and been at peace or been happy in my disorder, now i'm in limbo and the mountain seems to great to climb.
Looking for strength and peace of mind, and a shit load of weight loss by tomorrow.
Hoping to hear from someone, my heart is aching.
Until my angry blog tomorrow
V
xxx
So it's been a month since I have been blogging, I feel like I have been in hibernation, sorry about that. I have been crazy busy with my essay submissions for uni which are now all handed in thank god.
So I guess what I have to own up to is that I haven't managed to go through rehydration yet like I was suppose to. I'm too scared, though things aren't exactly working out well as they are at the moment.
As you know I had been ill and had lost "water" weight from that, I know this logically but emotionally accepting that the water needs to be put back is another story. I have put on 1kg in a day! I am furious, I was so angry in fact that I through a vase that I have always hated on the floor and watched it smash.
I'm so angry, i'm angry at my body that this putrid, vile destestible piece of shit could betray me like this, i'm suppose to be stepping away from the scales in order to go through rehydration but I can't. The scales tell me whether i'm happy or miserable for the day, whether I can eat, need to fast, take laxatives, need to spend my day exercising or whether it's so depressing I need to stay in bed and sleep the day away etc. I don't want to get out of bed when the scales have gone up. And now the xmas season is upon us and I have all these parties to go to.
Problem for Victoria and Anorexia is that I can't face going through 'rehydration' and having to attend to all these parties feeling like the fucking elephant in the room. People know me and going through rehydration is too difficult to explain to people. "Hi Yes, I have put on weight, but no it's not from food but water and please don't think this means i'm happy and doing well with food- i'm not'. Definitely not a great conversation starter. So i'm going to have to put on this brave face and do that smile everyone does when they don't want to talk about It but have to pretend like they are happy. If I hear any more comments about how 'well' I look and 'congratulations' for going into treatment last year, then I will scream. All these fucking people haven't got a clue how hard it is for me, how I didn't want it, how I don't want it and how that the process of rehydration is nothing more than a way for me to regain control, stop using behaviours I hate and lose the weight to where I am happy, comfortable and not suicidal.
I have gone through rehydration before, but every time it's through an infusion, but I don't need the infusion currently because i'm taking pills to make sure my electrolytes stay in range, I wasn't doing that before but I have learnt my lesson.
My fear is that i'll gain huge amounts and not stabilise. I know this isn't possible logically, no human just keeps on going and going. But emotionally I feel like an insect being tortured with a huge magnifying glass burning away at my soul. I can't bear to look at me, I can barely tolerate my body as it is today, how the hell am I going to get through 4-6lbs of water weight gain?
I comfort myself for today with the massive packet of laxatives I have taken, your suppose to take one pill, but I've taken 8 and i'll take more later. I'm cross and want a good starting point, for rehydration. I'm thinking maybe I can help myself by fasting for the next couple of days and losing actual weight, that way the rehydration amount won't seem so bad. The problem for me is that when I get to a weight I feel okay at, I get attatched and gaining water, fat, muscle, weight, whatever it maybe becomes so unbearable.
What they did to me in treatment is abuse, I know that, they violated me and I will never let that go, but I feel by going through rehydration i'm mimicking what they did to me in treatment, only it would be temporary. The problem for me is I don't know if I have the fight in me to stay the course of 10-14 days to stabilise my water rehydration without panicking way too much and packing it in.
I know logically I must be dehydrated, I ate 200 kcal on one day and didn't lose a bean the next day. Imagine what would happen to me if I ate 1000 or 800. 1000 is way to high and completely unreaslistic I think, for one i'd never be able to get it down and 2 i'd be in agony, my stomach aches when I eat.
I just wish I had never been forced into treatment and this nightmare would have not been so great, I would either have died and been at peace or been happy in my disorder, now i'm in limbo and the mountain seems to great to climb.
Looking for strength and peace of mind, and a shit load of weight loss by tomorrow.
Hoping to hear from someone, my heart is aching.
Until my angry blog tomorrow
V
xxx
Friday 22 November 2013
Accepting the set backs
Hello everyone
So here's the thing, this week has not been good which is why I have sort of fallen of the face of the earth with my blogging this week. Firstly the use of laxatives have not been good, bad for Victoria Great for Anorexia.
Secondly, I know that from being ill I have been dehydrated but for some reason I can't seem to let go of the fear of the rehydration, and it's effect on the scales so consequentially the entire cycle restarted itself with a vengeance- no where near as bad as before but not great. Losing 'weight' has only made me want to get back to actual hydrated weight in order to lose properly back to where I want to be as quickly as possible. As a consequence of being ashamed to say I have not followed through with what my nutritionist asked me to do, I have cancelled my appointment with her. I'm suppose to see her every week but I told a massive lie about having to see my dissertation supervisor and not being able to go in and see her today. I consequently turned my phone off so she can't get hold of me today. I just can't deal with any more chat about it or to admit to her things haven't gone well. Hopefully if I see her next week, I will have had a week of break through and therefore will be in a better position to talk to her about how to proceed, so really i'm doing her a favour, rather than wasting her time..or rather that's how it goes in my head.
So here I am at my knees after four days of hell, trying once again to break the cycle. I did fine this morning- I had my cereal with Alpro soya light milk and 2 cups of tea (213 kcal)
I spoke to my mum about how hard it is for me to let go of the fear and just accept what may happen and sort things out as of when I get there. She's going to support me and help me to try my hardest to break this cycle. She knows I can't be an uncomfortable weight without ultimately relapsing, so atleast I know in my heart of hearts that this is a temporary situation.
So i'm going to have a sandwhich for lunch- two small pieces of the small 50 calories a slice bread, no butter or mayo with 1 egg and 1 egg white with some ketchup, that makes (250) (I measure out the ketchup too.
After that i'm going to have some prawns with courgette for my dinner that makes in the region of (200) which totals my day to like (650ish) but I have to get to 750/800 for the purpose of not being "dehydrated". So i'll add a chupa chup or a lollypop. I have a fear of eating things that physically weigh a lot in my body. It's so much easier for me to avoid that completely and eat things that weigh within 300g otherwise I get very anxious about how the physical weight of the food will affect my weight the next morning. I don't care for the line of 'best fit' which indicates an average weight. I want it to be the same every morning, except when I want to lose and in which case then I want to see it going down. Up is awful, so as a result I am not going to weigh myself from today until Wednesday, because I know I won't be able to carry on if the scales are being horrid.
After a year out of practice of writing an essay, i'm stiff with my prose as I try to carry forward this essay that I need to have written by the 9th of December, I've written 500 words in about 10 days, which is majorly slow. I'm so nervous about it, and I find the message of what I want to say so complicated that i'm finding the process emotionally exhausting.
Oh well, I guess I better get back to the essay, the resistance found in the mill on the floss won't write itself.
Hoping things will progress well today with the essay, i'm also going to go and see my nan with some muffins I made for her, and take a walk so i'm not staring at my screen all day.
Have you ever had set backs? If so how did you overcome them?
# HOPING FOR INSPIRATION.
Love, peace and serenity always.
V
xxx
So here's the thing, this week has not been good which is why I have sort of fallen of the face of the earth with my blogging this week. Firstly the use of laxatives have not been good, bad for Victoria Great for Anorexia.
Secondly, I know that from being ill I have been dehydrated but for some reason I can't seem to let go of the fear of the rehydration, and it's effect on the scales so consequentially the entire cycle restarted itself with a vengeance- no where near as bad as before but not great. Losing 'weight' has only made me want to get back to actual hydrated weight in order to lose properly back to where I want to be as quickly as possible. As a consequence of being ashamed to say I have not followed through with what my nutritionist asked me to do, I have cancelled my appointment with her. I'm suppose to see her every week but I told a massive lie about having to see my dissertation supervisor and not being able to go in and see her today. I consequently turned my phone off so she can't get hold of me today. I just can't deal with any more chat about it or to admit to her things haven't gone well. Hopefully if I see her next week, I will have had a week of break through and therefore will be in a better position to talk to her about how to proceed, so really i'm doing her a favour, rather than wasting her time..or rather that's how it goes in my head.
So here I am at my knees after four days of hell, trying once again to break the cycle. I did fine this morning- I had my cereal with Alpro soya light milk and 2 cups of tea (213 kcal)
I spoke to my mum about how hard it is for me to let go of the fear and just accept what may happen and sort things out as of when I get there. She's going to support me and help me to try my hardest to break this cycle. She knows I can't be an uncomfortable weight without ultimately relapsing, so atleast I know in my heart of hearts that this is a temporary situation.
So i'm going to have a sandwhich for lunch- two small pieces of the small 50 calories a slice bread, no butter or mayo with 1 egg and 1 egg white with some ketchup, that makes (250) (I measure out the ketchup too.
After that i'm going to have some prawns with courgette for my dinner that makes in the region of (200) which totals my day to like (650ish) but I have to get to 750/800 for the purpose of not being "dehydrated". So i'll add a chupa chup or a lollypop. I have a fear of eating things that physically weigh a lot in my body. It's so much easier for me to avoid that completely and eat things that weigh within 300g otherwise I get very anxious about how the physical weight of the food will affect my weight the next morning. I don't care for the line of 'best fit' which indicates an average weight. I want it to be the same every morning, except when I want to lose and in which case then I want to see it going down. Up is awful, so as a result I am not going to weigh myself from today until Wednesday, because I know I won't be able to carry on if the scales are being horrid.
After a year out of practice of writing an essay, i'm stiff with my prose as I try to carry forward this essay that I need to have written by the 9th of December, I've written 500 words in about 10 days, which is majorly slow. I'm so nervous about it, and I find the message of what I want to say so complicated that i'm finding the process emotionally exhausting.
Oh well, I guess I better get back to the essay, the resistance found in the mill on the floss won't write itself.
Hoping things will progress well today with the essay, i'm also going to go and see my nan with some muffins I made for her, and take a walk so i'm not staring at my screen all day.
Have you ever had set backs? If so how did you overcome them?
# HOPING FOR INSPIRATION.
Love, peace and serenity always.
V
xxx
Saturday 16 November 2013
ups and downs
Hi All,
Things have taken a bit of an unexpected turn since I started trying to stop the b/p cycle and eat a little bit again. I got ill- not my fault, some kind of stomach bug and that has had an effect on my weight- great for anorexia, bad for me. Anorexia is very happy about it, but i'm a little worried, for one I know that If I 'rehydrate' myself after the period of illness then i'm going to put back the weight that I lost during illness and also a little from rehydration. This is bad for me because anorexic me is going to be screaming, furious and irritated by what will happen. I wouldn't have even known my weight apart from my dietician telling me she was concerned after she weighed me at our appointment.
Crap, because as soon as I knew this number it became my best friend, I was elated! But being told it may not be real because of sickness put a downer on things, because a number is a number when you see it in your mind, you can't take it back. It just makes me even more determined to go through whatever rehydration I have to on 800-1000 calories and lose weight back to how I was. 35kg by Christmas is my goal.
My dietician isn't happy, she's already told me that the tight rope has got even thinner now, bmi 13, makes her anxious. I of course avoided telling her that I wanted to lose even more once I had gone through rehydration- bad for Victoria again good for Anorexia.
She told me not to weigh myself over the next week while I go through what I need to, i'm going to try to listen to that advice. I'm also going to work on my essay planning over the weekend in the hope of writing it over the next coming week, being ill has made me behind a little bit. Oh well. I guess I have more important fish to fry, or rather grill (pardon the pun).
Today has gone okay, felt guilty about the chips but I included them in my count so that should be okay.
-2 egg whites for breakfast with some ketchup (80)
- packet of gummy sweets ( 220)
- small portion of oven baked chips (230)
I'm going to have something light in the evening, I haven't made 800 maybe i'll have a snacky thing later.
I've also been planning the hampers I am going to make for family and friends over Christmas. I thought this would be a nice idea because hopefully you can't go wrong with some home made goods for Christmas. I'm going to make home made truffles, and Christmas puddings and cake, Christmas cookies, brownies and sweetie trees and put them all in presentation bags and wrap in a cellophane hamper.
Looking forward to making this a special Christmas for my family this year.
Have you ever made a home made hamper?? What did you put in it?
Hoping to hear from you.
xxxx
Things have taken a bit of an unexpected turn since I started trying to stop the b/p cycle and eat a little bit again. I got ill- not my fault, some kind of stomach bug and that has had an effect on my weight- great for anorexia, bad for me. Anorexia is very happy about it, but i'm a little worried, for one I know that If I 'rehydrate' myself after the period of illness then i'm going to put back the weight that I lost during illness and also a little from rehydration. This is bad for me because anorexic me is going to be screaming, furious and irritated by what will happen. I wouldn't have even known my weight apart from my dietician telling me she was concerned after she weighed me at our appointment.
Crap, because as soon as I knew this number it became my best friend, I was elated! But being told it may not be real because of sickness put a downer on things, because a number is a number when you see it in your mind, you can't take it back. It just makes me even more determined to go through whatever rehydration I have to on 800-1000 calories and lose weight back to how I was. 35kg by Christmas is my goal.
My dietician isn't happy, she's already told me that the tight rope has got even thinner now, bmi 13, makes her anxious. I of course avoided telling her that I wanted to lose even more once I had gone through rehydration- bad for Victoria again good for Anorexia.
She told me not to weigh myself over the next week while I go through what I need to, i'm going to try to listen to that advice. I'm also going to work on my essay planning over the weekend in the hope of writing it over the next coming week, being ill has made me behind a little bit. Oh well. I guess I have more important fish to fry, or rather grill (pardon the pun).
Today has gone okay, felt guilty about the chips but I included them in my count so that should be okay.
-2 egg whites for breakfast with some ketchup (80)
- packet of gummy sweets ( 220)
- small portion of oven baked chips (230)
I'm going to have something light in the evening, I haven't made 800 maybe i'll have a snacky thing later.
I've also been planning the hampers I am going to make for family and friends over Christmas. I thought this would be a nice idea because hopefully you can't go wrong with some home made goods for Christmas. I'm going to make home made truffles, and Christmas puddings and cake, Christmas cookies, brownies and sweetie trees and put them all in presentation bags and wrap in a cellophane hamper.
Looking forward to making this a special Christmas for my family this year.
Have you ever made a home made hamper?? What did you put in it?
Hoping to hear from you.
xxxx
Tuesday 12 November 2013
Christmas is coming
Hi All,
Things have gone well today, stuck to my diet so far hoping rehydration will hurry up and do its thing so I can get back to losing real weight. Anyways, i'm sitting at my computer trying to write an essay and it's just not coming to me at the moment. I'm writing it on 'The Mill on The Floss', looking at the issue of resistance. I'm in the process of planning it, but everything in my mind is a muddle. When the issues are so complicated and trying to relate them to what you want to say in an essay and how they influence things..difficult. I'm sure my dyspraxia isn't helping.
Anyways so I thought I would write a blog post to give me some time away from worrying/procrastinating about this essay. So I thought I would write a blog post on Christmas.
I wasn't at home last Christmas as lots of people know because I was in hospital in the eating disorders ward. Which is why I want things to be really good this year for Christmas, I won't be able to forget last years Christmas and how awful it was for me and my family but I can try to replace the memory for this year.
I love Christmas, i love the excitement and the happiness it brings to Children and families. All the stuff is out in the shops, and things are starting to look Christmassy and one of the things I love to do is make a Christmas pudding and Christmas cake for my family and friends. I wasn't able to do that last year and I was really sad to have to forgo that tradition.
I love to cook, bake anything to do with food..apart from eating it of course, but I love all the tv shows and the ways in which famous chiefs try to put a new spin on things,
and I particularly love the shows at Christmas getting festive and giving great tips to make a perfect family meal.
I have always helped my mum with Christmas food and a few years ago she told me everyone loved my puddings so would I make them from now on. I was about 16 at the time and I have been doing it ever since. I put so much Alcohol in my pudding it is untrue, the recipe that I follow is kind of a mix of family and Nigella Lawson's. I don't use suet, I use butter and breadcrumbs, I don't put mix peel in my Christmas pudding but I do put Glace cherries. I put an entire bottle of brandy in mine and allow it to mature for 6 weeks. I'll be making my Christmas pudding and cake next week and I can't wait!
I'm also going to make a Trifle for Christmas day and also a Chocolate Yule log, I may even try Mince pies- I think the shop bought ones can be okay, particularly places such as Marks and Spencer's.
Goose will be accompanied with, rosemary and garlic roast potatoes, a prune and almanac stuffing, brussel sprouts with pancetta, chestnuts and a maple syrup glaze, honey roasted carrots, parsnips, braised red cabbage. We also always have a honey glazed ham, home made bread sauce and a home made gravy
This year my mum has told me she is doing Goose instead of Turkey. I've never had it but my parents have, and in all this excitement about Christmas my mum decided to interject 'but you won't be eating anything with us, will you?'. My heart sank, it's not just eating the food that makes me feel wretched but in front of people, that heightens anxiety to an entirely new level. I am even more conscious of eating in front of my family and I hate the idea of sitting down with them to eat. My family watch, and there's a false calmness masking the tension. All the while, I feel repulsive and worried what the food is going to do to me. Oh god, no thank you!
I'm hoping by going through rehydration, whatever it may be and then seeing that I can eat without gaining any weight at all and even lose weight, i'll be okay at Christmas to try to sit with my family, to eat just a little bit. I think my mum would really love that, so i'm going to try.
Do you have any family recipes that are a must at Christmas? Do you have any challenges that you must face this year? How will you spend your Christmas?
Hoping to hear from you.
xxx
Things have gone well today, stuck to my diet so far hoping rehydration will hurry up and do its thing so I can get back to losing real weight. Anyways, i'm sitting at my computer trying to write an essay and it's just not coming to me at the moment. I'm writing it on 'The Mill on The Floss', looking at the issue of resistance. I'm in the process of planning it, but everything in my mind is a muddle. When the issues are so complicated and trying to relate them to what you want to say in an essay and how they influence things..difficult. I'm sure my dyspraxia isn't helping.
Anyways so I thought I would write a blog post to give me some time away from worrying/procrastinating about this essay. So I thought I would write a blog post on Christmas.
I wasn't at home last Christmas as lots of people know because I was in hospital in the eating disorders ward. Which is why I want things to be really good this year for Christmas, I won't be able to forget last years Christmas and how awful it was for me and my family but I can try to replace the memory for this year.
I love Christmas, i love the excitement and the happiness it brings to Children and families. All the stuff is out in the shops, and things are starting to look Christmassy and one of the things I love to do is make a Christmas pudding and Christmas cake for my family and friends. I wasn't able to do that last year and I was really sad to have to forgo that tradition.
I love to cook, bake anything to do with food..apart from eating it of course, but I love all the tv shows and the ways in which famous chiefs try to put a new spin on things,
and I particularly love the shows at Christmas getting festive and giving great tips to make a perfect family meal.
I have always helped my mum with Christmas food and a few years ago she told me everyone loved my puddings so would I make them from now on. I was about 16 at the time and I have been doing it ever since. I put so much Alcohol in my pudding it is untrue, the recipe that I follow is kind of a mix of family and Nigella Lawson's. I don't use suet, I use butter and breadcrumbs, I don't put mix peel in my Christmas pudding but I do put Glace cherries. I put an entire bottle of brandy in mine and allow it to mature for 6 weeks. I'll be making my Christmas pudding and cake next week and I can't wait!
I'm also going to make a Trifle for Christmas day and also a Chocolate Yule log, I may even try Mince pies- I think the shop bought ones can be okay, particularly places such as Marks and Spencer's.
Goose will be accompanied with, rosemary and garlic roast potatoes, a prune and almanac stuffing, brussel sprouts with pancetta, chestnuts and a maple syrup glaze, honey roasted carrots, parsnips, braised red cabbage. We also always have a honey glazed ham, home made bread sauce and a home made gravy
This year my mum has told me she is doing Goose instead of Turkey. I've never had it but my parents have, and in all this excitement about Christmas my mum decided to interject 'but you won't be eating anything with us, will you?'. My heart sank, it's not just eating the food that makes me feel wretched but in front of people, that heightens anxiety to an entirely new level. I am even more conscious of eating in front of my family and I hate the idea of sitting down with them to eat. My family watch, and there's a false calmness masking the tension. All the while, I feel repulsive and worried what the food is going to do to me. Oh god, no thank you!
I'm hoping by going through rehydration, whatever it may be and then seeing that I can eat without gaining any weight at all and even lose weight, i'll be okay at Christmas to try to sit with my family, to eat just a little bit. I think my mum would really love that, so i'm going to try.
Do you have any family recipes that are a must at Christmas? Do you have any challenges that you must face this year? How will you spend your Christmas?
Hoping to hear from you.
xxx
Friday 8 November 2013
The Dark before the Rainbow
Hello everyone, hope you are all well?
I haven't been posting lately because I have been doing some soul searching, been in a big mess and had a massive shock to my system. There are some things that I have realised whilst being away from my blog and engaging with my Dietician.
1) If I can't be honest with someone who is meant to help me then i'm never going to get out of the rut that I am in.
2) Feeling as though I am incapeable of eating anything without putting on weight is making me depressed and sometimes suicidal.
3) I may need to experience some shit in order to break the cycle i'm in and help myself.
4) I had to tell my mum how angry I was with her and my treatment team for the abuse I experienced, and also that I need her to help me and support me as best as she can.
So, I was honest with my dietician about EVERYTHING. She immediately sent me for a blood test, which turns out due to my use of Sando-K everything is fine. Well it is and it isn't. All my bloods are fine, but she told me that my body is going to go through something called rehydration. It's where you stop b/p altogether and eat 800-1000 calories a day. In that time it is not possible to put on fat but water because when we b/p we shrink the glycagon cells in our body which become rehydrated with water when we stop b/p which looks like weight gain. The weight we are when we are actively b/p is false, however comfortable it makes us feel is not real. Don't get me wrong I am scared shitless to follow this plan. It means that I could put on anywhere up to 5kg, but after 7-10 days it will settle. I will maintain on 1000 calories and not put on any weight.
I am only going through rehydration because I got into a whole with the entire being made to eat 2000+ calories in treatment. My Dieitician I have now is much better, she understand that I can't be the higher bmi of 15 like they got me to in treatment and stay there without doing stupid things or existing in a state of depression. She has told me that whatever "weight" I put on from rehydration she will help to get it off for me, Then from there she'll give me a diet to maintain my weight. I'll never have to b/p again and hopefully by the 10th December i'll be happy again.
The plan is to go through rehydration...praying to God to not put on loads, i'll cope with a few pounds but if it's too many I'll go nuts. I am not going to weigh myself for a week. I'm seeing my dietician next Friday.
I don't think i'll be able to do 1000 calories so i'll stick with 800
My version of 800 calories looks like
20g Rice Krispies with Soya milk and a cup of tea (159)
cup of tea with Almond milk (13)
Soup (264)
cup of tea (13)
Dinner- 2 boiled eggs (178)
*Fruitella sweets to be had throughout the day between Breakfast and dinner (1 packet= 164)
That's me doing the best I can for tomorrow. My mum is going to support me and i'm relieved, I'm scared to eat and I'm terrified of my nightmares being realised, but i'm also hopeful. I want this to work, for me to be okay to eat and not feeling unsure what will happen to me. To know that I can eat to maintain and eat to lose weight.
Fear has held me back for too long and although I am only going through the motions of this in order to get to a level where I can eat a little bit again, i'm also doing it so i'm able to be free of the fetters of b/p. Anorexia has been my constant companion for over 5 years now, but the b/p part of my disorder I have no interest in. I'm doing this so that I can eat to lose weight again and get to the weight I always wanted to be. I find when you b/p you can be so dehydrated internally that you get to a point where it's hard to lose anymore. I'm doing this to be free again, free to know that not all food is my enemy that I can eat a little bit and maintain weight or eat a little bit and lose weight.
Christmas last year was hard, I was in hospital apart from xmas day where I wa allowed to come home, after having been in a private eating disorders clinic for a month and a half and had had a stay in the ICU for 3 blood transfusions, 3 potassium infusions, and so on. This year I want happiness not hell, I want to be back to the weight I want to be, able to relax because I am happy with myself and my family not having to worry about running me back to my private unit. All the other patients at the hospital last year had been granted home leave for the xmas period and I had been left alone in the unit deemed too much of a risk. I want to make this xmas special for my family and for myself to be in a better head space than I have been.
9th-18th- Rehydration phase
19th-25th- Real weight loss week 1
25th-2nd- Real Weight loss week 2
2nd-9th- Real Weight Loss Week 3
10th December Goal Weight- 35kg- going to work so hard to get there once the hellish rehydration phase is over.
Have any of you been through rehydration? What happened? What should I expect.
Love
xxx
I haven't been posting lately because I have been doing some soul searching, been in a big mess and had a massive shock to my system. There are some things that I have realised whilst being away from my blog and engaging with my Dietician.
1) If I can't be honest with someone who is meant to help me then i'm never going to get out of the rut that I am in.
2) Feeling as though I am incapeable of eating anything without putting on weight is making me depressed and sometimes suicidal.
3) I may need to experience some shit in order to break the cycle i'm in and help myself.
4) I had to tell my mum how angry I was with her and my treatment team for the abuse I experienced, and also that I need her to help me and support me as best as she can.
So, I was honest with my dietician about EVERYTHING. She immediately sent me for a blood test, which turns out due to my use of Sando-K everything is fine. Well it is and it isn't. All my bloods are fine, but she told me that my body is going to go through something called rehydration. It's where you stop b/p altogether and eat 800-1000 calories a day. In that time it is not possible to put on fat but water because when we b/p we shrink the glycagon cells in our body which become rehydrated with water when we stop b/p which looks like weight gain. The weight we are when we are actively b/p is false, however comfortable it makes us feel is not real. Don't get me wrong I am scared shitless to follow this plan. It means that I could put on anywhere up to 5kg, but after 7-10 days it will settle. I will maintain on 1000 calories and not put on any weight.
I am only going through rehydration because I got into a whole with the entire being made to eat 2000+ calories in treatment. My Dieitician I have now is much better, she understand that I can't be the higher bmi of 15 like they got me to in treatment and stay there without doing stupid things or existing in a state of depression. She has told me that whatever "weight" I put on from rehydration she will help to get it off for me, Then from there she'll give me a diet to maintain my weight. I'll never have to b/p again and hopefully by the 10th December i'll be happy again.
The plan is to go through rehydration...praying to God to not put on loads, i'll cope with a few pounds but if it's too many I'll go nuts. I am not going to weigh myself for a week. I'm seeing my dietician next Friday.
I don't think i'll be able to do 1000 calories so i'll stick with 800
My version of 800 calories looks like
20g Rice Krispies with Soya milk and a cup of tea (159)
cup of tea with Almond milk (13)
Soup (264)
cup of tea (13)
Dinner- 2 boiled eggs (178)
*Fruitella sweets to be had throughout the day between Breakfast and dinner (1 packet= 164)
That's me doing the best I can for tomorrow. My mum is going to support me and i'm relieved, I'm scared to eat and I'm terrified of my nightmares being realised, but i'm also hopeful. I want this to work, for me to be okay to eat and not feeling unsure what will happen to me. To know that I can eat to maintain and eat to lose weight.
Fear has held me back for too long and although I am only going through the motions of this in order to get to a level where I can eat a little bit again, i'm also doing it so i'm able to be free of the fetters of b/p. Anorexia has been my constant companion for over 5 years now, but the b/p part of my disorder I have no interest in. I'm doing this so that I can eat to lose weight again and get to the weight I always wanted to be. I find when you b/p you can be so dehydrated internally that you get to a point where it's hard to lose anymore. I'm doing this to be free again, free to know that not all food is my enemy that I can eat a little bit and maintain weight or eat a little bit and lose weight.
Christmas last year was hard, I was in hospital apart from xmas day where I wa allowed to come home, after having been in a private eating disorders clinic for a month and a half and had had a stay in the ICU for 3 blood transfusions, 3 potassium infusions, and so on. This year I want happiness not hell, I want to be back to the weight I want to be, able to relax because I am happy with myself and my family not having to worry about running me back to my private unit. All the other patients at the hospital last year had been granted home leave for the xmas period and I had been left alone in the unit deemed too much of a risk. I want to make this xmas special for my family and for myself to be in a better head space than I have been.
9th-18th- Rehydration phase
19th-25th- Real weight loss week 1
25th-2nd- Real Weight loss week 2
2nd-9th- Real Weight Loss Week 3
10th December Goal Weight- 35kg- going to work so hard to get there once the hellish rehydration phase is over.
Have any of you been through rehydration? What happened? What should I expect.
Love
xxx
Friday 18 October 2013
Spiritual encounters
Spiritual encounters, revelations and the rest
I went to see a medium yesterday, now I know this will be met with a variety of faces. Some will roll their eyes claiming its a load of tosh, others will be curious and a few will frown, however before you make up,your mind as to whether I was silly to have gone hear me out first.
I had booked the appointment two weeks ago, the man I went to see is renowned for working with the police and helping to solve murder investigations- he has assisted Scotland Yard and been of use. He came highly recommended. Secondly, I withheld my number when I made the appointment over the phone and used a fake name, I didn't give a last name just an alternate to my first name. I also paid upfront with cash- there was no exchanging of personal or financial details in any way, shape or form.
He also asked me to not tell him anything, just to listen- some people who proclaim to be 'psychic' lie and 'hot' read people depending on what the person tells them. This guy was not interested in any of that.
I sat down, and instantly the man told me that he had 'a gentleman with him, who was telling him he was my mothers father and his name is Ronald but everyone calls him Ron, he's telling me he died of cancer very young and it all happened very quickly'. I was flabbergasted, my grandad died when I was two years old his name was Ronald and everyone did call him Ron, and yes he died of cancer within 6 weeks. The man went on To say that my grandad was showing him his wedding photo and told him that his wife was called Irene- my nan is called Irene. All the time I sat there and listened. He knows you have not been well he said, that you have been very unhappy, that you still aren't, that you have a lot of ups and downs but he wants you to know he never left you. The psychic got very emotional at this point, he sounded like he was going to cry. 'You nearly passed on he said' at this point I was nearly In tears. This is true, I did nearly die, I had been given 48 hours to live when I was at my worst with my illness and spent some time in the ICU. ' he wasn't going to let that happen', the psychic said. We both took a deep breath at this point.
He told me plenty of Information that related to my family which was true, and even some friends who weren't related to me that had passed on came through. I was shocked. I hadn't gone for the purpose of hearing from those who had passed on, I thought the reading was going to be for spiritual guidance. What astounded me was the accuracy of the description of people and their names and the things he knew, anecdotes that only my family knew.
Anyway as I left, I knew that I was unhappy, going through constant ups and downs- I didn't need a psychic to tell me that. It made me realise I have to try to eat regularly again even if its just a little bit. I haven't been able to be honest with my dietician for fear of what she will do or impose on me. But I have made a deal with myself. Eat a little bit and regularly and not compensate and if I haven't made progress in a week I am going to write a letter To my dietician and explain everything and at least know then that everything is out in the open. Weight gain is out of the question but at least honest is something I want.
Have you ever seen a psychic? Did it ever provide new perspective??
Comments always welcome.
Xxx
V
Tuesday 15 October 2013
Exercise, excess and everything else
Trying to look on the bright side
Looking forward to tomorrow! I have an appointment at a Virgin Active gym to look around but I already know I am going to join. Previously when I was a member of a gym I was less scared to eat because I always felt secure with the knowledge that I had exercise to make me feel safe. It also did help me. To lose weight so bonus point.
I realise things have been bad lately, and I desperately want to be stable- able to eat without having to compensate because I am scared of what might happen if I don't use safety measures. Christmas is coming and I really want to be in a position to know my maintenance level, to be able to relax with the knowledge that I can eat something without gaining weight. The paranoia has been getting on top of me lately.
Going to the gym helps me, and hopefully will. For one thing it gives me something g structurally consistent to do everyday. It also helps with the depression, endorphins get going and I feel calmer and I get out of the house for a bit.
They also offer yoga, and I find that so calming, so I think after doing an hor in the gym,I could go to yoga!
I figure exercise is a safer compensator than other methods I have used, rather this devil than another one.
Xxx
V
Monday 14 October 2013
Updates and the irony of Alice Adventures in Wonderland
Updates and the endless irony of Lewis Carroll's 'Alice's Adventure In
Wonderland'.
So I went to my appointment this week, monotony seems to be the cycle I am going through with my local services. Theresa my dietician, asks me 'how I am?', I tell her 'fine', I lie a bit more about how I am coping. She weighs me tells me it's my business if I want to stand on the edge of a cliff, as long as I don't throw myself off completely, then they'll settle with monitoring me. She tells Me how it astounds her that i have Normal blood pressure, body temperature, And am somewhat of an anomalies to the typical pattern;- the usual spiel.
She asks me about body image. She tells me the lack of eye contact tells her I am depressed. Before treatment when I was okay with my weight I use to make eye contact. Now I am so Embarrassed and ashamed of myself, I don't feel capable, I finally tell her that treatment made me feel dirty, violated, angry and hateful. That it just created a new set of problems in my mind. I am not dying like I was, but I feel dead on the inside.
She tells me she thinks I am in this for the long haul, that my eating disorder has claimed my life and my body. She asks me 'do I like this', this makes me angry, anyone who has truly suffered does not enjoy their existence with it, but sees it as the best of a bad situation- the better if two evils. Fat and miserable or just miserable but a belief that you are fat- I know which one i would and will always choose.
Anyways today's lecture at uni was on 'Alice's Adventures in Wonderland'. Well, as I am sure you are aware Lewis Carrol's dream child is a figure that is reinterpreted by generations focusing on the authors obsession with the pre pubescent girl. However as I sat in this lecture, I felt I was the one in the dream world not just Alice, as I noticed a never ending dichotomy between the text and myself.
Ironically Alice opens the second chapter with a question that only a dream world could possibly attempt to contain and consider, as she asks 'Who in the World am I?' Fuck. This theological, ponderous and endless question hit me like a bucket of cold water at 9am on a cold morning. It is not just Alice's exaggerated desire to desperately know who she is in relation to herself, but also to the universe- Carroll's reference to the world was not undertaken lightly or simply as a turn of phrase; This girl, in this unknown dream world wants to know not only, Who it is that she is, but on a myopic scale, her relation to it. Ever so interestingly Lewis Carroll related the insecurity of all people to be placed in a children's novel, posing a question that every mother, nanny, governess, daughter and sister would be smacked with as they read this novel for themselves or to others in their care. It made me realise, we are all in a dream world, treading unknown territory like Alice-constantly questioning who were are, what we are and what space we would, should or could inhabit in this world. It's not just adults who question who they are, but children too- the only difference being as adults we are conscious of our actions as opposed to a child who may not even realise they are reacting to a conundrum situated within their conscience.
My lecturer then went on to state that the question of identity; for Alice's exploration of identity is inherently written and explored through her body. I sit in the lecture relating to the entirety of what she was saying. I feel as though my body is 'who I am', my identity, my communication of control, not in control, happy, sad, strong or weak. Only now the dialogue has become fuzzy, with my body being written on through the projections of individuals who fed me in treatment, but the speech I recite is the same as always. Same girl, different disguise. Ironically As readers to Carroll's novel we are all constantly privy to the multitude of disguises that Alice inhibits, even if only for a short while.
The question of who 'in the world' Alice is, is explored, questioned and essentially scrutinised through the continuous state of transformation she is in- her growth and subsequent shrinking. It is the very act of consumption that places her existence as suspicious, particularly for others that inhabit this dream world. This could not be clearer than when a pigeon proclaims Alice is a serpent, despite her less that convincing assertion that she is'a little girl'. The pigeon quickly dismisses this feeble attempt at persuasion by stating 'he had seen a good many little girls in his time but none with such a neck'. (A consequence of Alice's hunger sees her neck extending like a giraffe! ) i couldn't help but wonder, if it was as notable to others as it was to me that Alice through the consumption of something the dream world has offered results in a regard for her as something demonic, possessed- MIlton's snake!! For an anorexic who feels,obsessed, possessed, demonic and evil for eating, Carroll sure knew how to pack a punch when contemplating the issues of food, ingestion and their resulting consequences for women.
Subsequently this led to consideration of 'The fallen woman' just as Alice literally falls into the dream world, Eve falls from the grace of God, through the act of consumption. It can clearly be seen that there was a massive anxiety for Carroll and even his audience concerning the undesirable nature of growth stemming from the act of eating and how such choice was disruptive for women . Even as I sit here now in the 21st century not just the 19th in my usual cafe spot, I see a sea of people, women, men, all alike. But with women drinking their soya light, non fat lattes as opposed to the men who are taking advantage of international week at the cafe and the array of croissants on offer. Carroll may have designed a dream world but i live in an alternate one, ALice is not the only one concerned with what message eating projects to others.
Expectations seem to be a calculated consideration in the novel . Alice as a child is expected to grow- only not too much as we are warned by the psychological messages of excess. It is my view that Carroll's constant enlargement and descaling of Alice's size stems from the anxiety of maturation when understood in relation to pre-pubescent girls; in a limbo state- no longer child but not ready to be woman either. The growth and shrinking an act of transformation serves as a rehearsal for both Alice and Carroll, a rehearsal for growing up. Yet capable of returning to size, not ready for the response of others to Alice as woman. If only real life could be this way with a return guarantee or a try before you buy with an ability to return to our previous states.
Inevitably Carroll is concerned with the moral gain and potential loss that may occur for women (embodied through Alice) in the process of growing up; which is sadly echoed through the transformation of Alice's body. The dream world is littered with appealing and tempting references, I.e. 'eat me' spelled out 'onto a cake in currants', but to do so results in an undesirable transformation in image. Such contrast sees Alice as the reflective image of Carroll's concerns, is it possible for a female consumer to also be one of conformity, when living in a world of plenty? Moving from the physical domestic space to a consumer in society, Carroll highlights female actions have consequences in the realm of the domestic. Take Alice's desire for the marmalade in a jar which is empty she has to be careful to not 'drop it' so it doesn't 'kill anyone on its way down'. The message of curbing female desire for the safety of others was never so greatly highlighted in the novel as it is here. Evidently the desire of Alice and all women alike is aligned in Carroll's mind with the ability to endanger even to cause fatality. I couldn't help but see how this relates to eating disorders, we are all so believing that if we make the wrong choice society will judge us,hate us and perhaps reject us. We are all under the judgement of others all the time, when every decision seems so crucial, it's hard not to feel like we are our very own Alice in Wonderland.
'Alice's Adventures in Wonderland are full of riddles, conundrums and puzzles. For someone with an eating disorder my life is its own oxymoron and riddle, maybe one day I'll figure out 'Why [it is that] a raven is like a writing desk'.
Comments always welcome.
Xxxx
V
Monday 7 October 2013
Anger, fear and everything in between
Anger, and its sister Fear
So back at uni today, after heaving myself out of bed to brave the m25 at 6am, I made it to campus at 8:45am, tired, cold and not in the mood to be messed about. In honesty I suppose the crap at home isn't helping.
My mum and I are not seeing eye to eye at the moment, 'you've lot weight haven't you?' She asks in an aggressive hostile tone. I haven't. I wish I had,I am annoyed and pissed off by her accusation, for a variety of reasons.
1) I do not appreciate her tone, it is rude, accusatory and confrontational, she manages to keep her mouth shut for a few weeks before she starts spurting her toxic poison. She uses this as a starting point to launch herself like an Inter galactic missile, she is about as subtle as a gun and the game she plays is both predictable and transparent to me. I tell her I haven't lost weight. This enables her to spur her second point 'well your not the same weight as when you left treatment are you?' This is phrased as a question but unveiled as a statement. I tell her it's none of her business, I have seen the local services and they have said the same as always. My mother hates this, being shut out, unknowing of my weight, out of the loop, she wants to control me but I just want to control myself. I realise I am doing this as a way of rejecting her, punishing her, hurting her. In a way I want to shut her out because I felt as though my opinion when In treatment mattered very little to her. She shut me out, watched as people did things to me that I didn't want. Being a predator and aggressor doesn't always have to be first hand, if you exist as a witness you are involved, you are not removed from responsibility. I want to hurt her in a way that she and others have hurt me. They made me into a person i do not know, with a body I not only don't know but hate. I equate what they did to me as a moral rape, manipulating, moulding and shaping me into a fat suicidal mess. It took time to lose the weight, they destroyed me. As a consequence I have destroyed the relationship with my mother.
2) This leads me to my second point, the question she asks are not out of concern for me but for herself, she cares what people think of her. She states 'this has been going on too long now, I thought you would get over it by now and just put on the weight'. Six months in a treatment facility and she still speaks like a foreigner to anorexia. Her comment makes me angry, really angry to the point where I want to wrap my hands around her throat and throttle her. Throttle her for what they did to me, for how unhappy they have made me, for the selfishness that stands behind her desire for me to change and her disregard for how I feel. She had as always prioritised her own feelings above my own.
3) she then decides having no joy from her previous comments to pull out the big guns.also known as emotional blackmail. This portion of the game she is has coerced me into playing involved demeaning me, reinforcing how awful a human being she thinks I am in a hope of me having some kind of wake up call, she calls me deluded, she should take a look at herself. She hopes by stating 'we have no family life because of you' will make me want to change. As if this sudden knife to the heart will make me come to some epiphany like something out of a Jane Austen novel, declare my deepest sympathy for my behaviour and conform to societal ideal. Please it may have been like that for Marianne in 'Sense and Sensibility' but we're living in the book of reality not fiction. S the response is simply met with anger, as I ask her whether she should perhaps consider her own faults in this situation. My uncle and his family do not want to see me now that I have the label of 'anorexia' on me, despite socialising with me at a lower weight, the label appears to superficially changed everything, this annoys me as much as it frustrates me. The irony of this statement is, my family at home want me to eat with them, why would I want to partake in the act I find most disgusting in front of people who not only incur my anger and hate but who blame me for everything. It is my mothers opinion I should be martyr myself for the sake of everyone else's happiness. She stupidly states 'As you put on weight you would be happier', what an idiot, when I left treatment at a bmi of 15, I was the most unhappy I had ever been, angry, sad, hateful, why would I want to do something that makes me so unhappy? I already feel like I have been massacred, what they did to me made me more fearful of gaining weight than my fears before treatment, they have made me afraid of my own body, fearful I can't eat anything without gaining weight, the experience was entirely negative, I do not see one aspect of it that made me feel any better. I have told her this but it is ignored. When I was a bmi of 15 when I left treatment my mum was ecstatic she made comments like 'you look normal now'. This elation was for herself, but was bad for me. It further fuelled my core belief that I look heavier than others at my weight or when I put on weight and therefore need to be lighter in weight in order to look thin. And also that if that was the case there was no way I would ever put on more weight ever again. I felt as though my label, identity and the essence that I had been comfortable with had been stripped away. Stupidly my mother assumed as I put on weight that my anorexia 'just went away' that the desire to lose weight wasn't there any more, that my fear of weight gain disappeared and that I was no longer entitled to the feelings that I had initially because I was 'better', the mental side of it remained the same for me throughout treatment. At the end of my stay though I just felt like an anorexic inside sewn into a fat suit, I was and Amin a disguise that hides the real me, and I wish I could take off. The only way to take it off is to lose weight.
'Go and see someone' she urges to talk about how you feel. This change in tactics is often deployed when my mother realises she has taken a wrong tern much like a fault in monopoly ' she cannot pass go'. No. Way. I will never be honest or talk openly with any professional again. They threaten section or weight gain and I'd rather chop off my own fingers than face that ever again. Why would I do that? When I can keep it to myself and not live in the fear. I will never share anything with Any of those psychopaths ever again.
Another game my mother and I have taken to playing is 'hide and sneak'. The local services write letters to me, and i sometimes write a diary and she then attempts to find them and read them, sneaking through my drawers and wardrobe in order to find any kind of ammunition or information she can use against me and to control me. I confront her about this ' I was just tidying up'. Pretty feeble move. ' really I ask her, what exactly needed tidying in my shoe boxes above my cupboard? I didn't know shoes in boxes created mess'. Busted. Her response is that 'she cares', you are a liar and a nosy bitch I tell her. I do not trust her at all, I give her nothing and she can drive herself mad with it. As a result of her snooping, I have come to carrying everything on me, letters, the diary and of course an online blog. The game ends with me leaving, as I tell her ' have you achieved anything by saying what you have said?', 'well it's got it off my chest' she tells me, we both know this is nothing the treasure she wanted the prize as the end of this game we play has ended as it began full circle. A power struggle, a game she cannot win, a tug of war that she can only engage in for a limited time.
In this game of life that we all play, willingly or not, we all probably feel we have someone or something we need to defeat. I feel like the treatment centre, have one up on me, they are winning- I have not lost all the weight they put on me. Tey have planted doubt in my mind about whether i can eat and not gain weight or eat and lose weight. But as the local services told me ' weare not plants we cannot make our own food' , so 'out of nothing, nothing can be made'. I know that for the rest of my life I am going to try to lose this weight. Hoping to lose 4/5lbs this week, on a diet of 140-200 locals a day, restricting liquid to 1700mls. No weighing in until 5 days have passed, seeing no loss can be demotivating, frightening and discouraging. The scales use to be my best friend now they reveal a number that makes me feel at war with my body and the world.
Now that, that rant is over I can get back to uni, so I went to the lecture it was fine, discussing female autonomy, how ironic? Next week is Alice in Wonderland, considering satiety, hunger and female consumption. Something that I am sure will be acutely uncomfortable for me. Maybe I will have a lot to say, having spent all of my life confused by female consumption and attitudes towards it, and at least 5 years trying to ignore hunger.
I guess my question is, do you have a turbulent relationship with your mother? Do you play similar games? Are you resentful or angry of putting their comfort and desires above your own?
Looking forward to hearing from you.
V
Xxx
Tuesday 1 October 2013
Getting involved?
Getting involved
So, I think I really need some other endeavours other than just my 1 day at Uni. I have registered with a job agency for some part time work; but that really could take a while. Regardless I think keeping busy would be really good for me, the distraction from the nasty thoughts that are plaguing me would be really nice.
So I emailed an amateur dramatics group in my area and I am waiting to hear back. I am kinda stuck with what other things I could do. I would volunteer but doing what? I live in Suburbia, so I am trying to think of other things I could do.
I am not arty, but I would volunteer reading to the blind, or doing meals on wheels. Brownies guide? I mean I just don't know. How do I go about finding these things?
What about clubs that aren't philanthropic but are out there?
When everything seems hidden, where do you even begin to look?
Any advice?
V X
Monday 30 September 2013
Return to Uni
Day 1- so I returned to uni and I am sitting in a busy coffee shop on campus as I write this blog post, trying to blend in rather than feeling like one of the protagonists in the novels I read- out of place, insecure, uncertain?
My day didn't exactly start as planned, in fact it was a nightmare. I got up at 6am to make sure I left the house by 7am, to leave two hours to cover 28 miles on the M25- I hit solid traffic, and began questioning whether the universe was trying to tell me I shouldn't be going back to uni, if I missed the first lecture it would be a bad start and a bad start would mean a bad year. Fortunately I made it, only to discover that the lecture theatre had changed where my lecture was meant to be. Fantastic, as if walking in 5minutes late would help the entire blending in. Thankfully i I found it before the lecture had begun, with a little help and settled down into the lecture room, regarding a tonne of faces of fresh faced students who I didn't know. 'liquid was amazing last night', 'James got with Claire', 'Marie is so upset', this meaningless chatter filled the room and I began to feel like the imposter in the room, amongst a sea of 20 year olds I felt like the student people look at and question 'Why are you still here?' . I do not know these people, I have no idea what they are talking about and a few 'who are you?' Made me feel sufficiently awkward.
It was weird, i am just going to say it, being in a lecture hall again. Weird not knowing anyone, not having graduated last year and weird because of the memories that the entire place evokes. I remind myself to stay calm, that this is good for me- it provides a focus away from home, food and the distractions of family life.
Out of the corner of my eye as I entered my lecture theatre, I noticed a girl, I used to know. She beckoned me over, 'sit with me' her eyes said. I sat down, I asked her I suppose the question that was on both our minds 'why didn't you graduate last year?'. Her answer was vague, cool, non committed- I could have been talking to a politician; 'I was Ill just a mixture of things really'. As an English student we are taught to read into the text, get beneath the surface, find the hidden meaning between the lines. Marriene's response had a clear meaning- I have said nothing and I am not going to, do not ask me why I wasn't here last year specifically because I don't want to tell you and if you're any polite, slightly aware human being you'll know what this answer means and leave it there. I nodded sympathetically, spieled off a similar response to my absence and the conversation regarding our lack of graduation got left there. See that's the thing we both knew the responses meant 'keep out this information is private property' but by saying nothing it was equally clear there was a sore spot that couldn't be ignored, despite the fake smiles and cover up. The harsh reality is, I knew she had had anorexia, I had suspected it when I saw her the second year, we both sat together and I couldn't help but wonder, is she an ex anorexic or still struggling? I guess I'll never know.
The lecture was interesting 'The Mill on The Floss' by George Eliot, it was a little de ja vu esque with the lecturer wearing the same clothes she wore last year, the same voice and giving the same lecture. The only thing that was different was me, I am different and not in a way that I am enjoying. Regardless I made good notes, and the lecture ended.
I find myself free on campus until 1pm, when I have my seminar. So I figured out my wifi for my iPad on campus, made a few extra lecture notes, brushed up on the novel I read a ear ago (lord knows I wasn't attempting 600 pages again for the sake of a recap. But it was as I started the crossword puzzle I began to see that words and meanings and places would never leave me. 16 across 8 letter word 'someone who does not fit it'- IMPOSTER, 5 down, ' 10 letter word something that is not finished- INCOMPLETE, 9 across 5 letter word, someone who has recovered from an illness 'CURED'- did the crossword want to be anymore ironic? And as I was sitting there with the feelings that this disease is who I am, always with me, reminded by everything. The phone rang. The local services want to see me. I ask myself can I ever get a break from the constant reminders?
Anyways, so i sit down to write this blog post, when a voice interrupts my thoughts 'What are you writing?', I look up, the guy sitting across the table from me clearly as noticed my ferocious typing. He's good looking, my type, speaks well. 'Nothing really just some notes', a lie but I figure he doesn't need to know the truth. 'HI my name is V, I am anorexic and I have taken the year off uni last year as a result and I am writing a blog post about my return to uni', yeah the truth had about the same appeal Henry James novel 'What Maisie knew' will have for me in a couple of weeks on my course- None. So we got chatting and again the subject came up of how I should have graduated last year but didn't, I left it at ' I was I'll, but he clearly wanted to know why, thank god he didn't have the audacity to ask with what? He's in his fourth year, content and well put together. He asks for my number and adds me on Facebook, maybe there could be something. I don't know.
It's midday here now and the coffee shop has been invaded by a swarm of people wanting to eat lunch, the smell of cooking fills the air made worse by the guy next to me who clearly has never heard of table manners as he speaks and eats with his mouth open simultaneously making the noise that I hate when people are eating- chewing but not like normal chewing the chewing that everyone hears and thinks is inappropriate and grating but no one says anything.
Anyways my seminar is 1-2pm, and then I am off home. I should be home by 3pm in time for some soup (my food for the day). I am hoping like Stoptober instead of quitting smoking, I can quit eating, stick to my diet plan, and weigh myself on Friday to see some fabulous weight loss.
I need to go into town and get some make up after that, and I'll catch myself up for next week in terms of notes and novels to read. I haven't got much planned for the week but I need to. Perhaps I'll hear from the employ,net agency I registered for some part time work. A little bit of money on the side never hurt, particularly student living in London- talk about expensive!
So I leave this blog post for now with a few questions
Have you ever met someone like I did and knew there was that infinite underlying issue of 'ask but I won't tell?' As I did with Marriene today? I guess I want to know how did we all become fluent In the social code of I say one thing but communicate another?
Just a few thoughts, off to deliberate determinism now.
Xxx V xxx
Saturday 28 September 2013
Revelations, revulsion and resistance
Revelations, revulsion, and resistance
Revulsion
So, I have had a few problems getting online my Internet has been rubbish and the connection failing but I finally think it is sorted :)
This week despite my efforts things have not gone well (at least I am being honest), I was completely triggered by the revelation of my period; since leaving treatment and losing some weight I haven't had one in about 4 months. I haven't gained weight, so I don't know why it decided to rock up and rain on my parade this week. Thank you mother nature for reminding me I am a fat cow dripping in flesh, bmi 13.7. As you can probably see, this did not go down well.
I tell myself in some measure this must be a good thing, because it does in a twisted way answer some of my unanswered questions.
Revelations
I thought I must have no maintenance level as I was continuously b/p many times a day for months, because I believed I was getting rid of all i was eating. This can't be true because my body would presumably
1) not be able to survive on nothing and therefore lose weight and eventually die.
2) not be capable of having a period as if it was truly surviving on nothing it would not lose blood and iron through a non necessary process to survival e.g. Menstruation.
3) my potassium and hydration levels can't be terrible or even that bad, as when they are I don't have a period, why would your body lose liquid voluntarily if it didn't have the reserves to do so? (I take Sando K and drink 2.5-3 litres of fluid a day).
4) I am therefore in a position to eat, keep food down and lose weight.
I desperately want to stop but as discussed in my previous post, fear holds me back, even if the logic is utterly twisted.
For example, I think 'I can't eat anything without gaining weight, I'll never be able to lose weight, might as well therefore stuff my face and b/p'.
I keep reminding myself this makes no sense as I do the very thing that scares me shitless, I eat and limbo into the world between starvation and stuffing. Not safe and not a place to be.
Anyway it's usually a combination of physical hunger and emotional anger or sadness or even fear that makes me b/p. I tell myself it's important that I do things a different way, to see if I lose weight, scratch that, to see how much weight I will lose.
Resistance
In order to do this I need to keep busy, when I am busy I have less time to be. Around food, anxious or agitated by the past and my present state.
today's tactics are to
1) Lay in until late.
2) Go and get my nails done at 11:30am , which means leaving home at 11am
3) Going to the pottery cafe for a few hours In the afternoon.
4) Going for a walk near the open green, if I am not in agony with my period.
5) buying stationary for my return to uni on Monday.
6) making a motivation/dream board.
7) watching tv on iPad
8) watching a movie
9) watching strictly come dancing in the evening
10) giving myself a facial
11) having a really hot bath
12) taking Valium before bed.
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