Wonderland'.
So I went to my appointment this week, monotony seems to be the cycle I am going through with my local services. Theresa my dietician, asks me 'how I am?', I tell her 'fine', I lie a bit more about how I am coping. She weighs me tells me it's my business if I want to stand on the edge of a cliff, as long as I don't throw myself off completely, then they'll settle with monitoring me. She tells Me how it astounds her that i have Normal blood pressure, body temperature, And am somewhat of an anomalies to the typical pattern;- the usual spiel.
She asks me about body image. She tells me the lack of eye contact tells her I am depressed. Before treatment when I was okay with my weight I use to make eye contact. Now I am so Embarrassed and ashamed of myself, I don't feel capable, I finally tell her that treatment made me feel dirty, violated, angry and hateful. That it just created a new set of problems in my mind. I am not dying like I was, but I feel dead on the inside.
She tells me she thinks I am in this for the long haul, that my eating disorder has claimed my life and my body. She asks me 'do I like this', this makes me angry, anyone who has truly suffered does not enjoy their existence with it, but sees it as the best of a bad situation- the better if two evils. Fat and miserable or just miserable but a belief that you are fat- I know which one i would and will always choose.
Anyways today's lecture at uni was on 'Alice's Adventures in Wonderland'. Well, as I am sure you are aware Lewis Carrol's dream child is a figure that is reinterpreted by generations focusing on the authors obsession with the pre pubescent girl. However as I sat in this lecture, I felt I was the one in the dream world not just Alice, as I noticed a never ending dichotomy between the text and myself.
Ironically Alice opens the second chapter with a question that only a dream world could possibly attempt to contain and consider, as she asks 'Who in the World am I?' Fuck. This theological, ponderous and endless question hit me like a bucket of cold water at 9am on a cold morning. It is not just Alice's exaggerated desire to desperately know who she is in relation to herself, but also to the universe- Carroll's reference to the world was not undertaken lightly or simply as a turn of phrase; This girl, in this unknown dream world wants to know not only, Who it is that she is, but on a myopic scale, her relation to it. Ever so interestingly Lewis Carroll related the insecurity of all people to be placed in a children's novel, posing a question that every mother, nanny, governess, daughter and sister would be smacked with as they read this novel for themselves or to others in their care. It made me realise, we are all in a dream world, treading unknown territory like Alice-constantly questioning who were are, what we are and what space we would, should or could inhabit in this world. It's not just adults who question who they are, but children too- the only difference being as adults we are conscious of our actions as opposed to a child who may not even realise they are reacting to a conundrum situated within their conscience.
My lecturer then went on to state that the question of identity; for Alice's exploration of identity is inherently written and explored through her body. I sit in the lecture relating to the entirety of what she was saying. I feel as though my body is 'who I am', my identity, my communication of control, not in control, happy, sad, strong or weak. Only now the dialogue has become fuzzy, with my body being written on through the projections of individuals who fed me in treatment, but the speech I recite is the same as always. Same girl, different disguise. Ironically As readers to Carroll's novel we are all constantly privy to the multitude of disguises that Alice inhibits, even if only for a short while.
The question of who 'in the world' Alice is, is explored, questioned and essentially scrutinised through the continuous state of transformation she is in- her growth and subsequent shrinking. It is the very act of consumption that places her existence as suspicious, particularly for others that inhabit this dream world. This could not be clearer than when a pigeon proclaims Alice is a serpent, despite her less that convincing assertion that she is'a little girl'. The pigeon quickly dismisses this feeble attempt at persuasion by stating 'he had seen a good many little girls in his time but none with such a neck'. (A consequence of Alice's hunger sees her neck extending like a giraffe! ) i couldn't help but wonder, if it was as notable to others as it was to me that Alice through the consumption of something the dream world has offered results in a regard for her as something demonic, possessed- MIlton's snake!! For an anorexic who feels,obsessed, possessed, demonic and evil for eating, Carroll sure knew how to pack a punch when contemplating the issues of food, ingestion and their resulting consequences for women.
Subsequently this led to consideration of 'The fallen woman' just as Alice literally falls into the dream world, Eve falls from the grace of God, through the act of consumption. It can clearly be seen that there was a massive anxiety for Carroll and even his audience concerning the undesirable nature of growth stemming from the act of eating and how such choice was disruptive for women . Even as I sit here now in the 21st century not just the 19th in my usual cafe spot, I see a sea of people, women, men, all alike. But with women drinking their soya light, non fat lattes as opposed to the men who are taking advantage of international week at the cafe and the array of croissants on offer. Carroll may have designed a dream world but i live in an alternate one, ALice is not the only one concerned with what message eating projects to others.
Expectations seem to be a calculated consideration in the novel . Alice as a child is expected to grow- only not too much as we are warned by the psychological messages of excess. It is my view that Carroll's constant enlargement and descaling of Alice's size stems from the anxiety of maturation when understood in relation to pre-pubescent girls; in a limbo state- no longer child but not ready to be woman either. The growth and shrinking an act of transformation serves as a rehearsal for both Alice and Carroll, a rehearsal for growing up. Yet capable of returning to size, not ready for the response of others to Alice as woman. If only real life could be this way with a return guarantee or a try before you buy with an ability to return to our previous states.
Inevitably Carroll is concerned with the moral gain and potential loss that may occur for women (embodied through Alice) in the process of growing up; which is sadly echoed through the transformation of Alice's body. The dream world is littered with appealing and tempting references, I.e. 'eat me' spelled out 'onto a cake in currants', but to do so results in an undesirable transformation in image. Such contrast sees Alice as the reflective image of Carroll's concerns, is it possible for a female consumer to also be one of conformity, when living in a world of plenty? Moving from the physical domestic space to a consumer in society, Carroll highlights female actions have consequences in the realm of the domestic. Take Alice's desire for the marmalade in a jar which is empty she has to be careful to not 'drop it' so it doesn't 'kill anyone on its way down'. The message of curbing female desire for the safety of others was never so greatly highlighted in the novel as it is here. Evidently the desire of Alice and all women alike is aligned in Carroll's mind with the ability to endanger even to cause fatality. I couldn't help but see how this relates to eating disorders, we are all so believing that if we make the wrong choice society will judge us,hate us and perhaps reject us. We are all under the judgement of others all the time, when every decision seems so crucial, it's hard not to feel like we are our very own Alice in Wonderland.
'Alice's Adventures in Wonderland are full of riddles, conundrums and puzzles. For someone with an eating disorder my life is its own oxymoron and riddle, maybe one day I'll figure out 'Why [it is that] a raven is like a writing desk'.
Comments always welcome.
Xxxx
V
