Hello everyone
So here's the thing, this week has not been good which is why I have sort of fallen of the face of the earth with my blogging this week. Firstly the use of laxatives have not been good, bad for Victoria Great for Anorexia.
Secondly, I know that from being ill I have been dehydrated but for some reason I can't seem to let go of the fear of the rehydration, and it's effect on the scales so consequentially the entire cycle restarted itself with a vengeance- no where near as bad as before but not great. Losing 'weight' has only made me want to get back to actual hydrated weight in order to lose properly back to where I want to be as quickly as possible. As a consequence of being ashamed to say I have not followed through with what my nutritionist asked me to do, I have cancelled my appointment with her. I'm suppose to see her every week but I told a massive lie about having to see my dissertation supervisor and not being able to go in and see her today. I consequently turned my phone off so she can't get hold of me today. I just can't deal with any more chat about it or to admit to her things haven't gone well. Hopefully if I see her next week, I will have had a week of break through and therefore will be in a better position to talk to her about how to proceed, so really i'm doing her a favour, rather than wasting her time..or rather that's how it goes in my head.
So here I am at my knees after four days of hell, trying once again to break the cycle. I did fine this morning- I had my cereal with Alpro soya light milk and 2 cups of tea (213 kcal)
I spoke to my mum about how hard it is for me to let go of the fear and just accept what may happen and sort things out as of when I get there. She's going to support me and help me to try my hardest to break this cycle. She knows I can't be an uncomfortable weight without ultimately relapsing, so atleast I know in my heart of hearts that this is a temporary situation.
So i'm going to have a sandwhich for lunch- two small pieces of the small 50 calories a slice bread, no butter or mayo with 1 egg and 1 egg white with some ketchup, that makes (250) (I measure out the ketchup too.
After that i'm going to have some prawns with courgette for my dinner that makes in the region of (200) which totals my day to like (650ish) but I have to get to 750/800 for the purpose of not being "dehydrated". So i'll add a chupa chup or a lollypop. I have a fear of eating things that physically weigh a lot in my body. It's so much easier for me to avoid that completely and eat things that weigh within 300g otherwise I get very anxious about how the physical weight of the food will affect my weight the next morning. I don't care for the line of 'best fit' which indicates an average weight. I want it to be the same every morning, except when I want to lose and in which case then I want to see it going down. Up is awful, so as a result I am not going to weigh myself from today until Wednesday, because I know I won't be able to carry on if the scales are being horrid.
After a year out of practice of writing an essay, i'm stiff with my prose as I try to carry forward this essay that I need to have written by the 9th of December, I've written 500 words in about 10 days, which is majorly slow. I'm so nervous about it, and I find the message of what I want to say so complicated that i'm finding the process emotionally exhausting.
Oh well, I guess I better get back to the essay, the resistance found in the mill on the floss won't write itself.
Hoping things will progress well today with the essay, i'm also going to go and see my nan with some muffins I made for her, and take a walk so i'm not staring at my screen all day.
Have you ever had set backs? If so how did you overcome them?
# HOPING FOR INSPIRATION.
Love, peace and serenity always.
V
xxx
