So for the last 4 days have been shit. Friday was okay, good in fact but then it all went downhill from there. I do well until the evening then I just get hungry and I am off-whoosh
Today is my Birthday and I am emotionally triggered by it, this time last year I went to the ritz with friends for afternoon tea, I was my Goal weight and happy. This year after forced treatment I am not my goal, I am heavier. I feel depressed and I have decided to not celebrate my Birthday- give me a slice of failure cake because I feel lie the biggest fake alive. I know it is less than 1/2 a stone to lose but I am still trying to figure out, if the weight I am now after a 3litre potassium infusion and a 6lb weight gain is my 'real weight'. Or will I gain regardless of what I eat? I tell myself some logical facts (that I pray apply to me)
1) out of nothing, nothing can be made- if i don't put it in, and am in Ketosis,then surely I can't gain or even maintain.
2) I drink 2 litres of liquid a day sometimes and my weight didn't change- if it was goi g to hang onto liquid wouldn't that have shown up on the scale?
3) if my metabolic rate was slow or I was severely dehydrated surely I would be very cold, bloating out whenever eating and showing signs of dehydration. When I first went Into treatment, I was freezing, blacking out, with constant cramp (my potassium level was 1.2 and I hadn't drunk liquid for a week). I am experiencing none if these symptoms, I take Sando K now after every episode and drink 1-2litres of water depending in how bad things were. So I feel if I do lose fluids that I am replenishing them?
I tell myself I owe it to myself to try this for a week to see how I fare with it. It would be good to see that I can lose weight, if I don't eat. My tally on Friday was 138kcal. I didn't lose weight the next day which sent anxiety through my body. But if I did it for a week, surely my maintenance level is not that low? When I was 5st10 (non dehydrated weight), I use to be able to eat 1,000 cals a day and maintain. Now the idea of that freaks me out, I mainly want to know if my weight is correct in terms of hydration and I have no way of fully telling this.
Today has not gone well, I got up looked in the mirror, cried, went back to bed. My two best friends from uni seem to have forgotten my Birthday, and I am left hating myself.
My 22nd birthday will be filled with prising myself out of bed, attempting not to binge again today, taking my CV to an employment agency for part time work and buying some sando K, in whatever chemist will sell a pack.
However I am determined for my 22nd to turn over a new leaf, to follow through with my plans and not let fear get in my way.
Xxx
