Speak the truth
We all want to escape, forget, let go and relieve the emotional baggage that we carry with us. Being anorexic, bulimic, Ednos, Or eating disordered in general captures certain people who are highly anxious, emotional, stressed, worried people; who carry painful memories and feelings with them.
I have always been labelled 'The worrier', even from childhood. I was nervous, jumpy, neurotic. When I first went to school I used to always ask my mother 'what should I do if 'x', happens?- 'x' would always be the worst case scenario to a situation. My mother would always reply with 'I know that won't happen', we would then return to me asking 'But would do I do If ''x' Does happen?', my mother assures me this cycle was never ending. My thought process was and still is to assume that the worst scenario will happen and I should try if possible to prepare myself for this, this leads to chronic anxiety and often depression.
My point being, that as worriers people with eating disorders often have anxious uncontrollable feelings that lead to a cycle they cannot break, this includes negative coping behaviours such as self harm, purging, laxative abuse, drugs, and alcohol. My new friend Ruby, on her fabulously decked out blog over at 'Andthenshedisappeared' on blog spot, wrote a wonderful post on managing binge eating, whether it be for bulimia, anorexic binge purge sub type, or people with BED.
One thing that I felt could help with the desire to engage in negative behaviours is to keep something that I have now devised. It's called a 'Mindful response diary', it's kind of CBT, meets your daily journal.
The format of the diary can be in any shape you like, as long as it has 4 columns that are labeled 'Feeling and/or emotion', ' First response', 'Mindful response', 'Course of action'.
The idea is to identify a negative feeling and observe it, ( write this down under 'feeling and or emotion') recognise what your first response to this emotion is ( write this down under 'First Response' for most of us it will be a negative coping strategy), then in the 'Mindful response' column take a moment to write down other ways to deal with this emotion even if it is just temporary, chances are that by the time you have engaged in a mindful response the emotion will have passed and so will your desire to engage in a negative coping strategy; which is ALWAYS temporary relief, and demands that you repeat the action again and again in order to cope- this is no coping strategy merely a placebo to emotions. In the 'Course of action' column, you will then later write down what you decided to do, e.g. Negative coping strategy or mindful response.
By doing this every day, not only are able to review our progress, but also we take a moment to
logically think through the motions of what we are doing. So often an intrusive thought will pop into my head that seems so unbearable to me, so unimaginably horrible, that I end up engaging In behaviour that ultimately brings me back to the same emotion and this spiral then continues.
Here is an example of my journal I started it today;
(My feeling came in the form of an intrusive thought that is a core belief, and subsequently reoccurs sometimes 6-8 times a day in my mind).
1) Feeling/ emotion
' No matter what you eat you won't lose weight, you'll gain or stay the same because you're a disgusting freak of nature'.
2) First Response
My first response was to b/p- the thought process was 'might as well i'm not going to ever lose weight'.
3) Mindful Response
I reminded myself to calm down, that on the day that I didn't b/p and stuck to my diet plan, I didn't gain I maintained, but by no means does this mean I wouldn't lose weight on this plan.
It takes days for the body to lose weight, as it has to register a calorie deficit. This is a complicated process that doesn't work overnight. I reminded myself that b/p would not achieve anything other than muck with my potassium levels that are already poor at best.
4) Course of Action
Engage in distraction- so I went for a walk.
I really think not only will this be useful to observe the emotional responses we all have to situations but to also identify triggers in our life. I'm taking the view that the power lies with me, if I want change I have to fight for it, even if the illness is part of who I am.
I end with the Serenity prayer
'God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.'
Hope this helps someone.
Enjoy the weekend.
xxxx
