So after a TERRIBLE Sunday, I decided that I needed to sort my week out, so I made a plan for the week. I couldn't sleep knowing that i needed a structural plan in place. So my diary now has my days planned in it With all the things I need to do like:
1) Stick to diet plan- most important, I feel like I have been in a shame cycle, being pushed and manipulated by others into behaviour that categorically isn't me. I am on a 250ish calorie diet this week. In order to get comfortable with food in the system again, even if it is weight watcher's soup, 3 cans a day (there tomato is really good).
2) Finish my novel for the week for my course, I just recently completed 'The woman Warrior' by Maxine Hong Kong Kingston. I am now onto 'My Antonia' by Willa Cather.
3) Avoid the scales until Friday/Saturday. When I stuck to the plan for one day and saw no weight loss my mind started over thinking, and felt like it was about to self combust with worry that I wouldn't lose any weight. Proper weight loss I tell myself has to be seen over days rather than one, the calorie deficit needs to be processed by the body and this takes more than a day. By avoiding the scales I'll be keeping myself safe from giving up hope and being in agony all day as a consequence.
4) Listen to my stress tape 'Overcoming Anxiety and Panic Attacks', everyday when in a situation where I feel the rising anxiety. It's a great CD, taking 45 minutes to reduce stress. '
By making plans for each day with times, people and places scheduled I feel like I am in control and have a relatively solid plan for success. The theory behind writing the plan as if you know how every moment will go , is that you are acting as though you have achieved the success you want already and by having the will to believe it will happen, you cause the thing that was potential to become realised and therefore your reality- (little bit of William James and Aristotle in the mix).
It's 2am now so I am going to bed. Determined to make this week succeed. Sweet dreams.
Do you ever make plans for the week? If so have you found them helpful?
Xxxx
Sunday 25 August 2013
Crazy crappy life
I am sitting here on my bed, beating myself up about food, this is a regular occurrence.
Food is evil. Food is revolting, you are revolting. You shouldn't have eaten that, you have no self control. People will think you are lazy, greedy, Undisciplined- out of control. This is a comtnual dialogue that passes through my mind when eating but sets in at its heaviest after eating has finished.
The word fat, runs through my mind like a dirty word,the ultimate taboo,to me being fat is a sentence akin with death. One of the things I learnt in CBT,in treatment was that the individual will resist any form of action associated with the consequence of social rejection, as evolution saw humans living in a society, to be rejected was to die as without a group for support to provide shelter, comfort and protection a human being would perish. Well for someone with anorexia, being fat is aquatinted with the same level of social suicide perceived by our ancestors.
I would agree with the statement above and apply it to myself. When I was In treatment I attempted to leave (but was dragged back 3 times) because I felt that I was in a dangerous and threatening situation that was going to ruin me, and to some degree i believe it has.
I was forced to face a reality of weight gain before I was ready and I hate myself and my body for it. This has led to parents being on my case which has caused the b/p cycle everyday. I feel like a fraud and a fake because if I could I would restrict and see If I would lose weight. I desperately want to lose half a stone.
To add insult to injury I went to a party last night, (getting dressed when every piece of your body repulses you is a nightmare), I felt like an unworthy piece of crap walking in. Then to make an even more uncomfortable situation even more difficult, the mother of the girl who was hosting the party made a bee line for me and said
My whole demeaner sank, 1) she had commented in my weight gain- which I already felt horrific about, I beat myself up about, and cry about.
2) I don't feel recovered or normal, and she looked at me and decided that my bmi of 13.6, a massive increase from 11.7, means that I am normal. It's set my mind into a frenzy about how I must be someone who medically has to have a Lower bmi than normal people (18.5-25) to look normal. Therefore I must look at bmi 13.6 much bigger than a normal person would at that bmi and I therefore must look at least 5 bmi points heavier than I am.
3) Thirdly it wasn't my choice to put on the weight I wouldn't have done it out of choice, I hated every 1lb that went on and every person who did it to me. What I wanted to say to her was, actually I left and was told if I left again I would be sectioned under the mental health act where they can force all treatment on you whether you like it or not, so i did it because I had no choice and I still have little choice now with my parents at home and the local services constantly on my back and GP applying the same pressure.
The party was a dinner party, I hadn't wanted to go because of the food, and eating in front of people but mainly the concern that if I ate it I would put on weight. But it was one of my best friends 21st birthday parties ,so I went. I didn't manage to eat any food but just pushed the food around the plate. The comments didn't help, I just wanted to crawl into a hole and die.
Anyone else experience the comments of others, that have impacted them as they did me? Today I am in my room hiding and wishing the whurling thoughts that spread throughout my mind would die. Telling myself Monday is a new day and that I can get myself together. I will lose weight, I won't b/p. I will reach my goal weight by my Birthday, 2 weeks and I REFUSE to be heavier than I was last year in my Birthday.
Any comments totally welcome!
Xxxxx
Food is evil. Food is revolting, you are revolting. You shouldn't have eaten that, you have no self control. People will think you are lazy, greedy, Undisciplined- out of control. This is a comtnual dialogue that passes through my mind when eating but sets in at its heaviest after eating has finished.
The word fat, runs through my mind like a dirty word,the ultimate taboo,to me being fat is a sentence akin with death. One of the things I learnt in CBT,in treatment was that the individual will resist any form of action associated with the consequence of social rejection, as evolution saw humans living in a society, to be rejected was to die as without a group for support to provide shelter, comfort and protection a human being would perish. Well for someone with anorexia, being fat is aquatinted with the same level of social suicide perceived by our ancestors.
I would agree with the statement above and apply it to myself. When I was In treatment I attempted to leave (but was dragged back 3 times) because I felt that I was in a dangerous and threatening situation that was going to ruin me, and to some degree i believe it has.
I was forced to face a reality of weight gain before I was ready and I hate myself and my body for it. This has led to parents being on my case which has caused the b/p cycle everyday. I feel like a fraud and a fake because if I could I would restrict and see If I would lose weight. I desperately want to lose half a stone.
To add insult to injury I went to a party last night, (getting dressed when every piece of your body repulses you is a nightmare), I felt like an unworthy piece of crap walking in. Then to make an even more uncomfortable situation even more difficult, the mother of the girl who was hosting the party made a bee line for me and said
' It's so good to see you (she saw me just before I went I to treatment at a bmi of 11.7) you have put on so much weight since I saw you last, your parents must be so pleased you have recovered, well done for making the choice to put on the weight, doesn't it feel good to be normal?'.
My whole demeaner sank, 1) she had commented in my weight gain- which I already felt horrific about, I beat myself up about, and cry about.
2) I don't feel recovered or normal, and she looked at me and decided that my bmi of 13.6, a massive increase from 11.7, means that I am normal. It's set my mind into a frenzy about how I must be someone who medically has to have a Lower bmi than normal people (18.5-25) to look normal. Therefore I must look at bmi 13.6 much bigger than a normal person would at that bmi and I therefore must look at least 5 bmi points heavier than I am.
3) Thirdly it wasn't my choice to put on the weight I wouldn't have done it out of choice, I hated every 1lb that went on and every person who did it to me. What I wanted to say to her was, actually I left and was told if I left again I would be sectioned under the mental health act where they can force all treatment on you whether you like it or not, so i did it because I had no choice and I still have little choice now with my parents at home and the local services constantly on my back and GP applying the same pressure.
The party was a dinner party, I hadn't wanted to go because of the food, and eating in front of people but mainly the concern that if I ate it I would put on weight. But it was one of my best friends 21st birthday parties ,so I went. I didn't manage to eat any food but just pushed the food around the plate. The comments didn't help, I just wanted to crawl into a hole and die.
Anyone else experience the comments of others, that have impacted them as they did me? Today I am in my room hiding and wishing the whurling thoughts that spread throughout my mind would die. Telling myself Monday is a new day and that I can get myself together. I will lose weight, I won't b/p. I will reach my goal weight by my Birthday, 2 weeks and I REFUSE to be heavier than I was last year in my Birthday.
Any comments totally welcome!
Xxxxx
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