So, I have not been in a good space lately, and so therefore have not been online. I decided to write this post to literally purge (pardon the pun) the honesty and the feelings that are poisoning my system. Hopefully with this detox of negative feelings i'll be able to start a new chapter in my book of anorexia and my eating disorder, this current paragraph of my life is much like a Henry James novel- getting boring, repetitive and monotonous (no offence to any Henry James fans, he is not my cup of tea, I like mine with soya light or almond milk not the full fat cream that is the headache of his novels).. Like his novels come round full circle to the same questions much do my own thoughts inside my head.
The other day I felt really low, in fact I would say suicidal. See that's what treatment has done to me fucked with my mind, screwed with my ability to trust and diminished my desire to live in a wretched body that I am scared I cannot change.
Horrid thoughts run through my head like a punishing cycle. My mind looks back to the a time when I was happy with my weight, about 1/2 a stone ago. I felt comfortable, I was calm, and I was eating, (not much, but earing all the same). Since leaving treatment I got caught up in a b/p cycle which I now am trying to break. A few months ago after having 3litres of fluid pumped into me through IV I gained 6lbs, it was at that point I wanted to die. I have not lost much really from the b/p cycle I have been in, since this massive level of rehydration took place maybe a killo and a bit. I always rehydrate properly, take Sando K, and my weight has pretty much remained within a bracket of 1lb.
The whole rehydration thing mentally mucks about in my mind, it has confused me into thinking when I purge I get everything up, (there have been times In The morning where I have weighed myself before and after and been the same weight) in my view I took this as evidence to be that I got everything up when I purge, but that must be untrue, because if that were the case surely I would lose rapid weight right? Also if i was getting up everything my body would surely be cold because it would have nothing in the system, to keep me warm and I am a normal body temperature. Do i have a maintenance level or do i not have one at all? i tell myself i am human that all human beings have a maintenance level, that every human being is capable of gaining, losing and maintaining their weight. However the terror of the questions and the potential unimaginably horrible answers they could hold simultaneously suspend me from trying to break into some kind of cycle of non purging. But it is something I desperately want.
Ironically I can restrict, I am capable of it, but my anorexia screamed at me after eating only 250 kcals, for the entire day and remaining the same weight the next morning. It made me think that I cannot lose weight, that I will be the first human being alive to have something wrong with their metabolism, even writing this makes me feel sick, and I pray that it is untrue. I tell myself when I was losing weight, I had to wait a few days to see weight loss 4/5 days in fact. I only ever lost over night if I had binged the day before that and the fasted all day because I assume what I was getting off there was heightened glycogen and water levels but this is different, shedding g real weight means that the odd has to perform a complicated process to lose it. So as a result of this fear I have decided to stay away from the scales u it, I have completed 4/5 days of my 140-200kal diet. I tell myself I will after a few days lose on this, if I didn't then It would be like suggesting That someone could physically starve me but I wold be unaffected by he denial of energy put into my body- I tell myself this is nonsense- out of nothing, nothing can be made. However the Intrusive thoughts don't help and when they take over for some reason my mind goes to b/p, sometimes out of hunger, other times out of fear (as if putting in food will help in the slightest with my fear of maintaining/gaining weight even if I utterly starve myself).
It boils down to a fear of failing at something I use to be good at, something that made me happy, and I guess the question that lays ultimately on my mind is 'what will I do if starvation doesn't make me lose weight, how will I live with myself then if I cannot change the thing that makes me want to die?'
Anyways now that the thoughts are out hopefully because they have no living space in my head anymore and exist in the forum of cyber space they can disintegrate as irrational fears that will not be my reality.
I have decided to not give in, to start small to keep down what I know I can which is a plan of 140kcals a day, which I hope will also make me lose weight. I'll be taking Sando K and drinking 1500-1800mls fluid a day.
I made a spider diagram and ideas to keep busy to not allow the intrusive thoughts in.
I hereby renounce purging, and you all are my witnesses'. It no longer exists in my state of being, I got sucked Into a black whole but slowly I am climbing back out and hopefully at the end of the tunnel I will see the light, along with some nice weight loss to make me smile. Something I haven't done in quite a while.
Taking back control, the power lies with me, if I want something I will get it and weight loss and banishing purging is top of my agenda.
Going to be blogging everyday I need that space to just write out the toxins out of me, reach out, have some comments from my readership.
I guess what I would be grateful to known is, can anyone reassure my fears? If I eat that little, I will lose weight right? When you lose weight does it take a few days to see a result?
Reaching out, all responses welcome.
V xxx
