Speak the truth
We all want to escape, forget, let go and relieve the emotional baggage that we carry with us. Being anorexic, bulimic, Ednos, Or eating disordered in general captures certain people who are highly anxious, emotional, stressed, worried people; who carry painful memories and feelings with them.
I have always been labelled 'The worrier', even from childhood. I was nervous, jumpy, neurotic. When I first went to school I used to always ask my mother 'what should I do if 'x', happens?- 'x' would always be the worst case scenario to a situation. My mother would always reply with 'I know that won't happen', we would then return to me asking 'But would do I do If ''x' Does happen?', my mother assures me this cycle was never ending. My thought process was and still is to assume that the worst scenario will happen and I should try if possible to prepare myself for this, this leads to chronic anxiety and often depression.
My point being, that as worriers people with eating disorders often have anxious uncontrollable feelings that lead to a cycle they cannot break, this includes negative coping behaviours such as self harm, purging, laxative abuse, drugs, and alcohol. My new friend Ruby, on her fabulously decked out blog over at 'Andthenshedisappeared' on blog spot, wrote a wonderful post on managing binge eating, whether it be for bulimia, anorexic binge purge sub type, or people with BED.
One thing that I felt could help with the desire to engage in negative behaviours is to keep something that I have now devised. It's called a 'Mindful response diary', it's kind of CBT, meets your daily journal.
The format of the diary can be in any shape you like, as long as it has 4 columns that are labeled 'Feeling and/or emotion', ' First response', 'Mindful response', 'Course of action'.
The idea is to identify a negative feeling and observe it, ( write this down under 'feeling and or emotion') recognise what your first response to this emotion is ( write this down under 'First Response' for most of us it will be a negative coping strategy), then in the 'Mindful response' column take a moment to write down other ways to deal with this emotion even if it is just temporary, chances are that by the time you have engaged in a mindful response the emotion will have passed and so will your desire to engage in a negative coping strategy; which is ALWAYS temporary relief, and demands that you repeat the action again and again in order to cope- this is no coping strategy merely a placebo to emotions. In the 'Course of action' column, you will then later write down what you decided to do, e.g. Negative coping strategy or mindful response.
By doing this every day, not only are able to review our progress, but also we take a moment to
logically think through the motions of what we are doing. So often an intrusive thought will pop into my head that seems so unbearable to me, so unimaginably horrible, that I end up engaging In behaviour that ultimately brings me back to the same emotion and this spiral then continues.
Here is an example of my journal I started it today;
(My feeling came in the form of an intrusive thought that is a core belief, and subsequently reoccurs sometimes 6-8 times a day in my mind).
1) Feeling/ emotion
' No matter what you eat you won't lose weight, you'll gain or stay the same because you're a disgusting freak of nature'.
2) First Response
My first response was to b/p- the thought process was 'might as well i'm not going to ever lose weight'.
3) Mindful Response
I reminded myself to calm down, that on the day that I didn't b/p and stuck to my diet plan, I didn't gain I maintained, but by no means does this mean I wouldn't lose weight on this plan.
It takes days for the body to lose weight, as it has to register a calorie deficit. This is a complicated process that doesn't work overnight. I reminded myself that b/p would not achieve anything other than muck with my potassium levels that are already poor at best.
4) Course of Action
Engage in distraction- so I went for a walk.
I really think not only will this be useful to observe the emotional responses we all have to situations but to also identify triggers in our life. I'm taking the view that the power lies with me, if I want change I have to fight for it, even if the illness is part of who I am.
I end with the Serenity prayer
'God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.'
Hope this helps someone.
Enjoy the weekend.
xxxx
Friday 30 August 2013
Sunday 25 August 2013
Early morning resolutions
So after a TERRIBLE Sunday, I decided that I needed to sort my week out, so I made a plan for the week. I couldn't sleep knowing that i needed a structural plan in place. So my diary now has my days planned in it With all the things I need to do like:
1) Stick to diet plan- most important, I feel like I have been in a shame cycle, being pushed and manipulated by others into behaviour that categorically isn't me. I am on a 250ish calorie diet this week. In order to get comfortable with food in the system again, even if it is weight watcher's soup, 3 cans a day (there tomato is really good).
2) Finish my novel for the week for my course, I just recently completed 'The woman Warrior' by Maxine Hong Kong Kingston. I am now onto 'My Antonia' by Willa Cather.
3) Avoid the scales until Friday/Saturday. When I stuck to the plan for one day and saw no weight loss my mind started over thinking, and felt like it was about to self combust with worry that I wouldn't lose any weight. Proper weight loss I tell myself has to be seen over days rather than one, the calorie deficit needs to be processed by the body and this takes more than a day. By avoiding the scales I'll be keeping myself safe from giving up hope and being in agony all day as a consequence.
4) Listen to my stress tape 'Overcoming Anxiety and Panic Attacks', everyday when in a situation where I feel the rising anxiety. It's a great CD, taking 45 minutes to reduce stress. '
By making plans for each day with times, people and places scheduled I feel like I am in control and have a relatively solid plan for success. The theory behind writing the plan as if you know how every moment will go , is that you are acting as though you have achieved the success you want already and by having the will to believe it will happen, you cause the thing that was potential to become realised and therefore your reality- (little bit of William James and Aristotle in the mix).
It's 2am now so I am going to bed. Determined to make this week succeed. Sweet dreams.
Do you ever make plans for the week? If so have you found them helpful?
Xxxx
1) Stick to diet plan- most important, I feel like I have been in a shame cycle, being pushed and manipulated by others into behaviour that categorically isn't me. I am on a 250ish calorie diet this week. In order to get comfortable with food in the system again, even if it is weight watcher's soup, 3 cans a day (there tomato is really good).
2) Finish my novel for the week for my course, I just recently completed 'The woman Warrior' by Maxine Hong Kong Kingston. I am now onto 'My Antonia' by Willa Cather.
3) Avoid the scales until Friday/Saturday. When I stuck to the plan for one day and saw no weight loss my mind started over thinking, and felt like it was about to self combust with worry that I wouldn't lose any weight. Proper weight loss I tell myself has to be seen over days rather than one, the calorie deficit needs to be processed by the body and this takes more than a day. By avoiding the scales I'll be keeping myself safe from giving up hope and being in agony all day as a consequence.
4) Listen to my stress tape 'Overcoming Anxiety and Panic Attacks', everyday when in a situation where I feel the rising anxiety. It's a great CD, taking 45 minutes to reduce stress. '
By making plans for each day with times, people and places scheduled I feel like I am in control and have a relatively solid plan for success. The theory behind writing the plan as if you know how every moment will go , is that you are acting as though you have achieved the success you want already and by having the will to believe it will happen, you cause the thing that was potential to become realised and therefore your reality- (little bit of William James and Aristotle in the mix).
It's 2am now so I am going to bed. Determined to make this week succeed. Sweet dreams.
Do you ever make plans for the week? If so have you found them helpful?
Xxxx
Crazy crappy life
I am sitting here on my bed, beating myself up about food, this is a regular occurrence.
Food is evil. Food is revolting, you are revolting. You shouldn't have eaten that, you have no self control. People will think you are lazy, greedy, Undisciplined- out of control. This is a comtnual dialogue that passes through my mind when eating but sets in at its heaviest after eating has finished.
The word fat, runs through my mind like a dirty word,the ultimate taboo,to me being fat is a sentence akin with death. One of the things I learnt in CBT,in treatment was that the individual will resist any form of action associated with the consequence of social rejection, as evolution saw humans living in a society, to be rejected was to die as without a group for support to provide shelter, comfort and protection a human being would perish. Well for someone with anorexia, being fat is aquatinted with the same level of social suicide perceived by our ancestors.
I would agree with the statement above and apply it to myself. When I was In treatment I attempted to leave (but was dragged back 3 times) because I felt that I was in a dangerous and threatening situation that was going to ruin me, and to some degree i believe it has.
I was forced to face a reality of weight gain before I was ready and I hate myself and my body for it. This has led to parents being on my case which has caused the b/p cycle everyday. I feel like a fraud and a fake because if I could I would restrict and see If I would lose weight. I desperately want to lose half a stone.
To add insult to injury I went to a party last night, (getting dressed when every piece of your body repulses you is a nightmare), I felt like an unworthy piece of crap walking in. Then to make an even more uncomfortable situation even more difficult, the mother of the girl who was hosting the party made a bee line for me and said
My whole demeaner sank, 1) she had commented in my weight gain- which I already felt horrific about, I beat myself up about, and cry about.
2) I don't feel recovered or normal, and she looked at me and decided that my bmi of 13.6, a massive increase from 11.7, means that I am normal. It's set my mind into a frenzy about how I must be someone who medically has to have a Lower bmi than normal people (18.5-25) to look normal. Therefore I must look at bmi 13.6 much bigger than a normal person would at that bmi and I therefore must look at least 5 bmi points heavier than I am.
3) Thirdly it wasn't my choice to put on the weight I wouldn't have done it out of choice, I hated every 1lb that went on and every person who did it to me. What I wanted to say to her was, actually I left and was told if I left again I would be sectioned under the mental health act where they can force all treatment on you whether you like it or not, so i did it because I had no choice and I still have little choice now with my parents at home and the local services constantly on my back and GP applying the same pressure.
The party was a dinner party, I hadn't wanted to go because of the food, and eating in front of people but mainly the concern that if I ate it I would put on weight. But it was one of my best friends 21st birthday parties ,so I went. I didn't manage to eat any food but just pushed the food around the plate. The comments didn't help, I just wanted to crawl into a hole and die.
Anyone else experience the comments of others, that have impacted them as they did me? Today I am in my room hiding and wishing the whurling thoughts that spread throughout my mind would die. Telling myself Monday is a new day and that I can get myself together. I will lose weight, I won't b/p. I will reach my goal weight by my Birthday, 2 weeks and I REFUSE to be heavier than I was last year in my Birthday.
Any comments totally welcome!
Xxxxx
Food is evil. Food is revolting, you are revolting. You shouldn't have eaten that, you have no self control. People will think you are lazy, greedy, Undisciplined- out of control. This is a comtnual dialogue that passes through my mind when eating but sets in at its heaviest after eating has finished.
The word fat, runs through my mind like a dirty word,the ultimate taboo,to me being fat is a sentence akin with death. One of the things I learnt in CBT,in treatment was that the individual will resist any form of action associated with the consequence of social rejection, as evolution saw humans living in a society, to be rejected was to die as without a group for support to provide shelter, comfort and protection a human being would perish. Well for someone with anorexia, being fat is aquatinted with the same level of social suicide perceived by our ancestors.
I would agree with the statement above and apply it to myself. When I was In treatment I attempted to leave (but was dragged back 3 times) because I felt that I was in a dangerous and threatening situation that was going to ruin me, and to some degree i believe it has.
I was forced to face a reality of weight gain before I was ready and I hate myself and my body for it. This has led to parents being on my case which has caused the b/p cycle everyday. I feel like a fraud and a fake because if I could I would restrict and see If I would lose weight. I desperately want to lose half a stone.
To add insult to injury I went to a party last night, (getting dressed when every piece of your body repulses you is a nightmare), I felt like an unworthy piece of crap walking in. Then to make an even more uncomfortable situation even more difficult, the mother of the girl who was hosting the party made a bee line for me and said
' It's so good to see you (she saw me just before I went I to treatment at a bmi of 11.7) you have put on so much weight since I saw you last, your parents must be so pleased you have recovered, well done for making the choice to put on the weight, doesn't it feel good to be normal?'.
My whole demeaner sank, 1) she had commented in my weight gain- which I already felt horrific about, I beat myself up about, and cry about.
2) I don't feel recovered or normal, and she looked at me and decided that my bmi of 13.6, a massive increase from 11.7, means that I am normal. It's set my mind into a frenzy about how I must be someone who medically has to have a Lower bmi than normal people (18.5-25) to look normal. Therefore I must look at bmi 13.6 much bigger than a normal person would at that bmi and I therefore must look at least 5 bmi points heavier than I am.
3) Thirdly it wasn't my choice to put on the weight I wouldn't have done it out of choice, I hated every 1lb that went on and every person who did it to me. What I wanted to say to her was, actually I left and was told if I left again I would be sectioned under the mental health act where they can force all treatment on you whether you like it or not, so i did it because I had no choice and I still have little choice now with my parents at home and the local services constantly on my back and GP applying the same pressure.
The party was a dinner party, I hadn't wanted to go because of the food, and eating in front of people but mainly the concern that if I ate it I would put on weight. But it was one of my best friends 21st birthday parties ,so I went. I didn't manage to eat any food but just pushed the food around the plate. The comments didn't help, I just wanted to crawl into a hole and die.
Anyone else experience the comments of others, that have impacted them as they did me? Today I am in my room hiding and wishing the whurling thoughts that spread throughout my mind would die. Telling myself Monday is a new day and that I can get myself together. I will lose weight, I won't b/p. I will reach my goal weight by my Birthday, 2 weeks and I REFUSE to be heavier than I was last year in my Birthday.
Any comments totally welcome!
Xxxxx
Thursday 22 August 2013
Feeling depressed
The Nightmare of the last twenty four hours
Things have not been good, I'm physically tired and emotionally exhausted. I went after having a blow out argument with my mum to stay at my Nan's for a while, the lack of emotional triggers calmed me and I wasn't made to feel like a burden in my own home. My mother uses my ED as an excuse to find fault in all I do, she has shouted at me, slapped me, destroyed my property- all an attempt to make herself feel better and me feel worse for 'bringing shame on the family' by having an ED and not getting full swing into recovery mode.
I hate her for making me go into treatment, I resent her for not listening to me when I said I could do no more weight gain, and I am furious at her for always assuming I developed an ED to spite her. She doesn't understand my ED and I are inevitably intertwined in a bond stronger than marriage. It is not done with me and I am not done with it. We are not two separate parts, over time we have become one. I know who I am and I am not happy without my eating disorder, despite at times being miserable with it.
Anyway, so after having b/p sessions quite regularly, due to my mind set telling me I can eat nothing and maintain my weight let alone lose, getting away gave me a chance to eat the food that I felt comfortable with and not b/p. I figure it's better for me to eat very little and learn to be comfortable with the feeling as opposed to pushing too far and encountering the thought that spreads like wildfire through my mind that the food I have eaten is going to make me gain weight, I will get fat, and fat is a fate worse than death for me.
So I get a day to myself with my regime, I feel okay but then my mother storms over demanding to know what I have eaten, I ask her to leave, that I don't need the emotional stress. She would not leave, she shouted at me, pulled my hair, and threw me to the floor, my Nan intervened and got into a dispute with my mother. My mother then called my Uncle, who has chosen not to see me since my revelation that I refuse to go any further with treatment. He comes over and tells me I must leave with my mother, that I am not trying hard enough-that if I wanted to I could fight harder and give the family what they want. Clearly he and my mother are clueless about EDs. So I was forced to leave, I cried all the way home. My mother threw away all my soups, so the b/p cycle started again.
Trying to get back on the wagon tomorrow, I need to follow my plan for a week to see what happens to my weight. I want so desperately to be 5 1/2 stone for my birthday on the 10th September. I am at work tomorrow 9:30-5:30pm so that helps. I have bought some soup, so I will have that tomorrow and have soup at lunch. Then when I finish I will go over to my Nan's house and have my soup there and watch a movie with her. Both of us could do with a bit of love after today. That way I am out of the house and away from my family.
My mother and I aren't a speaking- she thinks it will punish me, but the silence is golden. The shouting had caused a headache to spread all across my forehead. I hope this quietness continues.
My mind is buzzing with today.
Please God let things go to plan tomorrow, please let me lose weight, please let me be able to eat and still lose weight. Please, I can't bear anymore knock downs. I am so miserable I this repulsive vessel that is my body.
Sending love, hope and happiness to you all.
Any comments are always nice.
Xxx
Things have not been good, I'm physically tired and emotionally exhausted. I went after having a blow out argument with my mum to stay at my Nan's for a while, the lack of emotional triggers calmed me and I wasn't made to feel like a burden in my own home. My mother uses my ED as an excuse to find fault in all I do, she has shouted at me, slapped me, destroyed my property- all an attempt to make herself feel better and me feel worse for 'bringing shame on the family' by having an ED and not getting full swing into recovery mode.
I hate her for making me go into treatment, I resent her for not listening to me when I said I could do no more weight gain, and I am furious at her for always assuming I developed an ED to spite her. She doesn't understand my ED and I are inevitably intertwined in a bond stronger than marriage. It is not done with me and I am not done with it. We are not two separate parts, over time we have become one. I know who I am and I am not happy without my eating disorder, despite at times being miserable with it.
Anyway, so after having b/p sessions quite regularly, due to my mind set telling me I can eat nothing and maintain my weight let alone lose, getting away gave me a chance to eat the food that I felt comfortable with and not b/p. I figure it's better for me to eat very little and learn to be comfortable with the feeling as opposed to pushing too far and encountering the thought that spreads like wildfire through my mind that the food I have eaten is going to make me gain weight, I will get fat, and fat is a fate worse than death for me.
So I get a day to myself with my regime, I feel okay but then my mother storms over demanding to know what I have eaten, I ask her to leave, that I don't need the emotional stress. She would not leave, she shouted at me, pulled my hair, and threw me to the floor, my Nan intervened and got into a dispute with my mother. My mother then called my Uncle, who has chosen not to see me since my revelation that I refuse to go any further with treatment. He comes over and tells me I must leave with my mother, that I am not trying hard enough-that if I wanted to I could fight harder and give the family what they want. Clearly he and my mother are clueless about EDs. So I was forced to leave, I cried all the way home. My mother threw away all my soups, so the b/p cycle started again.
Trying to get back on the wagon tomorrow, I need to follow my plan for a week to see what happens to my weight. I want so desperately to be 5 1/2 stone for my birthday on the 10th September. I am at work tomorrow 9:30-5:30pm so that helps. I have bought some soup, so I will have that tomorrow and have soup at lunch. Then when I finish I will go over to my Nan's house and have my soup there and watch a movie with her. Both of us could do with a bit of love after today. That way I am out of the house and away from my family.
My mother and I aren't a speaking- she thinks it will punish me, but the silence is golden. The shouting had caused a headache to spread all across my forehead. I hope this quietness continues.
My mind is buzzing with today.
Please God let things go to plan tomorrow, please let me lose weight, please let me be able to eat and still lose weight. Please, I can't bear anymore knock downs. I am so miserable I this repulsive vessel that is my body.
Sending love, hope and happiness to you all.
Any comments are always nice.
Xxx
Sunday 18 August 2013
Worries
So the local services have been in touch I have to see them once a week. I am scared, scared because I can't admit to b/p part of my illness- I am scared that I won't be able to lose weight again, that my body won't do it, that there is something inherently wrong with me.
I am scared that if I stick to plan, I won't see results. My mind tells me I can't eat anything and not gain weight, that I have no metabolic set point, that I will be the first person to be the biggest freak on the planet who defies nature because I am that disgusting. See that's the thing with my eating disorder it tells me that I am an anomali to the human race,that every other human being can apply to the same logic except myself, not because I am special but because I am a failure. A failure that will be found out, sooner or later. I have had lots of experience being the outsider, being different, being afraid the worst will happen and watching it unfold. I am angry, scared and hate myself.
I am scared for another potassium infusion, I am taking sando-k, up to 16 tablets a day
And always replacing the fluids I lose, I drink at least 2.5litres after an episode, I am scared that if I have to go through another 3 litre drip I will gain weight. This worry unfortunately triggers b/p cycle, and self hatred sets in even more.
Tomorrow I will stick to my plan, I have done it twice this week which is better than nothing at all. If I restrict I am okay, if I start badly I have no idea how to recover the day, it's bad and that's that, middle ground does not work in my mind. Good. Bad. Pick a side and stay there.
After one day of restricting I saw no weightless and started to panic, thinking this would be what my body decided to do for the entire week. I told myself weight loss is not achieved in a day, and that I had to do it for 5-7 days to see a result, if I can gain weight I tell myself I must be able to lose aswell.
I am suppose to be going for a blood test- I don't want to go, despite taking Sando K, I am scared it will be low again, then the service will question why and I don't want them to know, I don't want to go to the appointment on Wednesday at the service. I am going to find some excuse to not go, I have already used holiday as an excuse, I need to find another.
The biggest regret I have is being forced into inpatient treatment, I often think death would have been an easier solution, this kind of misery is indescribable, like a moral rape, I feel violated, dirty and constantly living with the consequences.
I am scared that if I stick to plan, I won't see results. My mind tells me I can't eat anything and not gain weight, that I have no metabolic set point, that I will be the first person to be the biggest freak on the planet who defies nature because I am that disgusting. See that's the thing with my eating disorder it tells me that I am an anomali to the human race,that every other human being can apply to the same logic except myself, not because I am special but because I am a failure. A failure that will be found out, sooner or later. I have had lots of experience being the outsider, being different, being afraid the worst will happen and watching it unfold. I am angry, scared and hate myself.
I am scared for another potassium infusion, I am taking sando-k, up to 16 tablets a day
And always replacing the fluids I lose, I drink at least 2.5litres after an episode, I am scared that if I have to go through another 3 litre drip I will gain weight. This worry unfortunately triggers b/p cycle, and self hatred sets in even more.
Tomorrow I will stick to my plan, I have done it twice this week which is better than nothing at all. If I restrict I am okay, if I start badly I have no idea how to recover the day, it's bad and that's that, middle ground does not work in my mind. Good. Bad. Pick a side and stay there.
After one day of restricting I saw no weightless and started to panic, thinking this would be what my body decided to do for the entire week. I told myself weight loss is not achieved in a day, and that I had to do it for 5-7 days to see a result, if I can gain weight I tell myself I must be able to lose aswell.
I am suppose to be going for a blood test- I don't want to go, despite taking Sando K, I am scared it will be low again, then the service will question why and I don't want them to know, I don't want to go to the appointment on Wednesday at the service. I am going to find some excuse to not go, I have already used holiday as an excuse, I need to find another.
The biggest regret I have is being forced into inpatient treatment, I often think death would have been an easier solution, this kind of misery is indescribable, like a moral rape, I feel violated, dirty and constantly living with the consequences.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)