Revulsion
So, I have had a few problems getting online my Internet has been rubbish and the connection failing but I finally think it is sorted :)
This week despite my efforts things have not gone well (at least I am being honest), I was completely triggered by the revelation of my period; since leaving treatment and losing some weight I haven't had one in about 4 months. I haven't gained weight, so I don't know why it decided to rock up and rain on my parade this week. Thank you mother nature for reminding me I am a fat cow dripping in flesh, bmi 13.7. As you can probably see, this did not go down well.
I tell myself in some measure this must be a good thing, because it does in a twisted way answer some of my unanswered questions.
Revelations
I thought I must have no maintenance level as I was continuously b/p many times a day for months, because I believed I was getting rid of all i was eating. This can't be true because my body would presumably
1) not be able to survive on nothing and therefore lose weight and eventually die.
2) not be capable of having a period as if it was truly surviving on nothing it would not lose blood and iron through a non necessary process to survival e.g. Menstruation.
3) my potassium and hydration levels can't be terrible or even that bad, as when they are I don't have a period, why would your body lose liquid voluntarily if it didn't have the reserves to do so? (I take Sando K and drink 2.5-3 litres of fluid a day).
4) I am therefore in a position to eat, keep food down and lose weight.
I desperately want to stop but as discussed in my previous post, fear holds me back, even if the logic is utterly twisted.
For example, I think 'I can't eat anything without gaining weight, I'll never be able to lose weight, might as well therefore stuff my face and b/p'.
I keep reminding myself this makes no sense as I do the very thing that scares me shitless, I eat and limbo into the world between starvation and stuffing. Not safe and not a place to be.
Anyway it's usually a combination of physical hunger and emotional anger or sadness or even fear that makes me b/p. I tell myself it's important that I do things a different way, to see if I lose weight, scratch that, to see how much weight I will lose.
Resistance
In order to do this I need to keep busy, when I am busy I have less time to be. Around food, anxious or agitated by the past and my present state.
today's tactics are to
1) Lay in until late.
2) Go and get my nails done at 11:30am , which means leaving home at 11am
3) Going to the pottery cafe for a few hours In the afternoon.
4) Going for a walk near the open green, if I am not in agony with my period.
5) buying stationary for my return to uni on Monday.
6) making a motivation/dream board.
7) watching tv on iPad
8) watching a movie
9) watching strictly come dancing in the evening
10) giving myself a facial
11) having a really hot bath
12) taking Valium before bed.
