So the local services have been in touch I have to see them once a week. I am scared, scared because I can't admit to b/p part of my illness- I am scared that I won't be able to lose weight again, that my body won't do it, that there is something inherently wrong with me.
I am scared that if I stick to plan, I won't see results. My mind tells me I can't eat anything and not gain weight, that I have no metabolic set point, that I will be the first person to be the biggest freak on the planet who defies nature because I am that disgusting. See that's the thing with my eating disorder it tells me that I am an anomali to the human race,that every other human being can apply to the same logic except myself, not because I am special but because I am a failure. A failure that will be found out, sooner or later. I have had lots of experience being the outsider, being different, being afraid the worst will happen and watching it unfold. I am angry, scared and hate myself.
I am scared for another potassium infusion, I am taking sando-k, up to 16 tablets a day
And always replacing the fluids I lose, I drink at least 2.5litres after an episode, I am scared that if I have to go through another 3 litre drip I will gain weight. This worry unfortunately triggers b/p cycle, and self hatred sets in even more.
Tomorrow I will stick to my plan, I have done it twice this week which is better than nothing at all. If I restrict I am okay, if I start badly I have no idea how to recover the day, it's bad and that's that, middle ground does not work in my mind. Good. Bad. Pick a side and stay there.
After one day of restricting I saw no weightless and started to panic, thinking this would be what my body decided to do for the entire week. I told myself weight loss is not achieved in a day, and that I had to do it for 5-7 days to see a result, if I can gain weight I tell myself I must be able to lose aswell.
I am suppose to be going for a blood test- I don't want to go, despite taking Sando K, I am scared it will be low again, then the service will question why and I don't want them to know, I don't want to go to the appointment on Wednesday at the service. I am going to find some excuse to not go, I have already used holiday as an excuse, I need to find another.
The biggest regret I have is being forced into inpatient treatment, I often think death would have been an easier solution, this kind of misery is indescribable, like a moral rape, I feel violated, dirty and constantly living with the consequences.
