My day didn't exactly start as planned, in fact it was a nightmare. I got up at 6am to make sure I left the house by 7am, to leave two hours to cover 28 miles on the M25- I hit solid traffic, and began questioning whether the universe was trying to tell me I shouldn't be going back to uni, if I missed the first lecture it would be a bad start and a bad start would mean a bad year. Fortunately I made it, only to discover that the lecture theatre had changed where my lecture was meant to be. Fantastic, as if walking in 5minutes late would help the entire blending in. Thankfully i I found it before the lecture had begun, with a little help and settled down into the lecture room, regarding a tonne of faces of fresh faced students who I didn't know. 'liquid was amazing last night', 'James got with Claire', 'Marie is so upset', this meaningless chatter filled the room and I began to feel like the imposter in the room, amongst a sea of 20 year olds I felt like the student people look at and question 'Why are you still here?' . I do not know these people, I have no idea what they are talking about and a few 'who are you?' Made me feel sufficiently awkward.
It was weird, i am just going to say it, being in a lecture hall again. Weird not knowing anyone, not having graduated last year and weird because of the memories that the entire place evokes. I remind myself to stay calm, that this is good for me- it provides a focus away from home, food and the distractions of family life.
Out of the corner of my eye as I entered my lecture theatre, I noticed a girl, I used to know. She beckoned me over, 'sit with me' her eyes said. I sat down, I asked her I suppose the question that was on both our minds 'why didn't you graduate last year?'. Her answer was vague, cool, non committed- I could have been talking to a politician; 'I was Ill just a mixture of things really'. As an English student we are taught to read into the text, get beneath the surface, find the hidden meaning between the lines. Marriene's response had a clear meaning- I have said nothing and I am not going to, do not ask me why I wasn't here last year specifically because I don't want to tell you and if you're any polite, slightly aware human being you'll know what this answer means and leave it there. I nodded sympathetically, spieled off a similar response to my absence and the conversation regarding our lack of graduation got left there. See that's the thing we both knew the responses meant 'keep out this information is private property' but by saying nothing it was equally clear there was a sore spot that couldn't be ignored, despite the fake smiles and cover up. The harsh reality is, I knew she had had anorexia, I had suspected it when I saw her the second year, we both sat together and I couldn't help but wonder, is she an ex anorexic or still struggling? I guess I'll never know.
The lecture was interesting 'The Mill on The Floss' by George Eliot, it was a little de ja vu esque with the lecturer wearing the same clothes she wore last year, the same voice and giving the same lecture. The only thing that was different was me, I am different and not in a way that I am enjoying. Regardless I made good notes, and the lecture ended.
I find myself free on campus until 1pm, when I have my seminar. So I figured out my wifi for my iPad on campus, made a few extra lecture notes, brushed up on the novel I read a ear ago (lord knows I wasn't attempting 600 pages again for the sake of a recap. But it was as I started the crossword puzzle I began to see that words and meanings and places would never leave me. 16 across 8 letter word 'someone who does not fit it'- IMPOSTER, 5 down, ' 10 letter word something that is not finished- INCOMPLETE, 9 across 5 letter word, someone who has recovered from an illness 'CURED'- did the crossword want to be anymore ironic? And as I was sitting there with the feelings that this disease is who I am, always with me, reminded by everything. The phone rang. The local services want to see me. I ask myself can I ever get a break from the constant reminders?
Anyways, so i sit down to write this blog post, when a voice interrupts my thoughts 'What are you writing?', I look up, the guy sitting across the table from me clearly as noticed my ferocious typing. He's good looking, my type, speaks well. 'Nothing really just some notes', a lie but I figure he doesn't need to know the truth. 'HI my name is V, I am anorexic and I have taken the year off uni last year as a result and I am writing a blog post about my return to uni', yeah the truth had about the same appeal Henry James novel 'What Maisie knew' will have for me in a couple of weeks on my course- None. So we got chatting and again the subject came up of how I should have graduated last year but didn't, I left it at ' I was I'll, but he clearly wanted to know why, thank god he didn't have the audacity to ask with what? He's in his fourth year, content and well put together. He asks for my number and adds me on Facebook, maybe there could be something. I don't know.
It's midday here now and the coffee shop has been invaded by a swarm of people wanting to eat lunch, the smell of cooking fills the air made worse by the guy next to me who clearly has never heard of table manners as he speaks and eats with his mouth open simultaneously making the noise that I hate when people are eating- chewing but not like normal chewing the chewing that everyone hears and thinks is inappropriate and grating but no one says anything.
Anyways my seminar is 1-2pm, and then I am off home. I should be home by 3pm in time for some soup (my food for the day). I am hoping like Stoptober instead of quitting smoking, I can quit eating, stick to my diet plan, and weigh myself on Friday to see some fabulous weight loss.
I need to go into town and get some make up after that, and I'll catch myself up for next week in terms of notes and novels to read. I haven't got much planned for the week but I need to. Perhaps I'll hear from the employ,net agency I registered for some part time work. A little bit of money on the side never hurt, particularly student living in London- talk about expensive!
So I leave this blog post for now with a few questions
Have you ever met someone like I did and knew there was that infinite underlying issue of 'ask but I won't tell?' As I did with Marriene today? I guess I want to know how did we all become fluent In the social code of I say one thing but communicate another?
Just a few thoughts, off to deliberate determinism now.
Xxx V xxx
