Food and Feelings
The basic function of food is to fuel the body; to provide energy and nourishment in order to survive. However as humanity has evolved society has used food as so much more than fuel.
Food is at the heart of most celebrations all over the world; Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, Diwali, Hanukkah, the list is endless.
It's a communication of generosity, hospitality, wealth and even religion. It's used to provide comfort, to congratulate, to commemorate, commiserate; it is without doubt that society has utilised food as a unification and bonding tool throughout the world.
As a consequence of the multi purpose relationship society has placed within food, it's no wonder that human beings have a complicated relationship with food, because of its ability to be both feeder of the body and feeder of emotions.
It's my opinion that we all accept the love we think we deserve. When food implies failure, to an eating disordered person that's when we begin to get into murky water.
My Relationship with anorexia and my eating disorder is a bond like marriage, I feel there is no two separate entities rather just me, which includes anorexia.
I am nearly 22, and my anorexia actively started when I was 17, and heightened when I went to university. I believe that my anorexia is punishment driven; I had always hated my body and was diagnosed with BDD at the age of 8. Coupling this self hatred of the body with a major disappointment ( I didn't get into the University I wanted to go to, despite having the grades), my anorexia began as a way of outwardly communicating, how much I hate myself, how awful it must be for others to look at the pulsating fat on my body that I would butcher with a knife if I could.
My anorexia is also a way of striving to achieve something I have always wanted; a thin body; it concretely demonstrates an achievement that was measurable. It serves to punish me for a failure that was like a dagger to my heart, whilst simultaneously dimming the wound that had been created, with something much more important to focus on and achieve.
I was/am/ and will starve myself physically to counteract the feast of negative emotions I feel inherently.
Anorexia in my opinion, is about hating yourself, I am my own worst enemy,having never been at ease in my own skin, combined with devastating failure my self esteem died there and then.
So whether we binge ( I see it as treating ourselves like a rubbish bin, putting in crap because that's what we think we are; then getting rid of it. Or starving ourselves, which we pray brings the promise of a change to the self; hoping to remove some of the physical rubbish we see every time we look in the mirror- we are communicating a deep seated toxic hate.
As I said early, I believe we accept the love we think we deserve, and it frustrates me so much that people not suffering with an eating disorder don't realise that by starving or bingeing and purging that we are making a very strong statement regarding the self; that essentially we are treating ourselves like nothing because that's what we think we are worthy of.
Just my thoughts on food, feelings and a few facts.
Any comments always welcome,
Xxx
