Today has been a hard day, i am full of regret, longing and wishing.
To start I wish I was having a better day, and I suppose I would be if I had never been in an inpatient unit that not only ruined my body but also ruined anorexia as my secret. Now i have professionals treading on my toes, since leaving the unit, determined to maul my anorexia and further obliterate my sense of self.
I have skilfully been ignoring them, though I know that it's only a matter of time before they make a house call.
Today anorexia had a lot to say so prepare for the minefield. Here is what has been running through my head, I have had no peace today as my self hatred gets louder and louder.
1) How could you have let them do this to you? Ravish your body into this fat repulsive entity? I told myself it wasn't my fault that I had not wanted treatment, I had run from it twice but been told if I failed to comply I would have been sectioned. This appeases me slightly but I still feel I have not tried hard enough, the weight needs to come off faster, it took time to lose and six months for the unit to put on.
2) My period came today (I am yet another anomalies), I have a BMI of 13.2 and I am still ovulating. I cling to this, clearly this is my body's way of saying it has loads of fat to have a period so I definitely don't need to gain weight, I need to lose! My head tells me I am a disgusting freak of nature.
3) All the bones have gone, my chest bones, hip bones all less pronounced than they used to be. They were mine and they have been taken from me. I am hateful at myself and even more hateful at every morsel of food and supplement drink that changed my body. When I look in the mirror my thoughts race 'your arms are disgusting, they used to be thinner now they are flabby', 'those thighs, sturdy and rounded, they will take forever to change', 'my stomach was flatter'. I want to rip you to shreds you ugly worthless piece of crap, I am going to make you how you should have been. You have betrayed me and I hate you, yet I have to be in you all day long.
4) What if despite your best efforts you don't lose weight? Then what? You can't leave the house until you have lost at least 4lbs. What if you gain? I tell myself to relax that living on 250-350 kcals a day will make me lose weight, but with my parents weight loss will be slowed down they are feeders and I don't want to be fed.
5) How dare you feel hungry? How dare you give in? What will that liquid do to your weight, what will any of it do to your weight. How dare you sit down, you lazy piece of shit.
I hate you, you fat ugly freak and tomorrow it's war, you are not my friend and I do not like you right now but eventually we will be okay. When the weight comes off and the bones become more prominent the abuse you are experiencing will quieten down, but for now you will have to tolerate it because its what you deserve, punishment for every ounce of weight gain, you should have fought harder.
Anyone else having these thoughts? Comments would be welcome, feeling very low today. Xxx
