My father

Hi All

Things have been hard especially with my father being the grade one arsehole he knows how to be, my father thinks he is blameless for my anxiety, my stress, my unhappiness but he is so often the emotional trigger in my life I wish I could cut out.


I hate my dad, he's a selfish, arrogant, prick and unfortunately for me I share DNA with him.

I heard that he was taking 10 days holiday for Christmas and this filled me with dread, him at home day in day out criticising, making snarky comments, running my mother ragged as she makes more excuses for his laziness. His presence makes my anxiety shoot through the roof, I felt my heart beating fast and wishing I could be away from him. His energy is so negative, I feel dragged down by his hate and self righteousness. Being the product of a very dysfunctional relationship isn't easy, as I grew up I observed and noted from a very young age that He is the taker, whilst my mother is the giver in the relationship, he sucks everything out of her until she is completely dry and she lets him. He pretends he is not selfish and that his intentions are good, whilst it's clear to everyone else that his only concern is for himself. He's not in love with my mum, he's just in love with being waited on hand food and finger, whilst living as though he is a bachelor. He seems to get the best of both worlds, swanning off whenever he wants from his family to do what he genuinely wants to do whilst coming home whenever he likes to enjoy the stability of a family life, where unfortunately my mother caters to his every whim.

In some respect I suppose she is partly to blame, my mother that is. She has allowed this man and his faults to dominate her life and her children's for years. My father is a chauvinistic pig, who thinks whatever he does goes beneath the radar, sadly for him his behaviour became transparent to me at a very young age. I don't have a relationship with my dad like most young women would do, I can't stand my dad. He is emotionally inept, self involved, and uncompromising. The idea of my dad doing all the mile stones with me fills me with horror. I would never want him to walk me down the isle, if I were to ever to get married, I wouldn't want him if I had any children (which I think is highly unlikely) to be massively involved in their lives, I see him as toxic he always utilises me as his kicking post, finding blame anywhere he can to be assigned to me. I feel uncomfortable in my own home when he is present. I desperately wish my mother would put him in his place, let him know she knows his behaviour is unacceptable and that this complete disrespect he has shown towards her and his children will not be tolerated. I deeply resent him for the dynamics that he has created within our home and I desperately wish my mother would act as though she had a spine. It's so odd that In all other aspects of her life she has no issue with holding back, ever but when it comes to him he becomes a fragile precious little darling to be catered to. Rather than the Middle aged, mummy's boy that he has always been.

As a child I use to resent his absence, always doing what he wanted to do, going to golf while my mother did everything in the house, whilst secretly resenting him but never telling him. So his behaviour went unchecked, and the relationship became even more one sided, it seemed to become a marriage of convenience rather than a marriage of love.

My father has always put his own mother first before his own family. She is a bitch, and always has been, my dad would allow her to bully me as a child, calling me names, 'fat' 'ugly' 'plain', from the 'other side of the family'. He never said a word in response to her, I was never worthy enough for him to fight for me, to stand up to his prig of a mother. The day I heard them talking saying that I was 'too fat' and had to 'have something done about it', was the day both of them became transparent to me. My Grandmother is my Grandmother in name only, she is nothing to me but a decrepid old biddy who shunned me as a child, and my father is a spineless coward who would never cross his mother. The day I heard that and he would not stand up for me was the day when I decided my father is no one to me.

I will never forget one year when it was Christmas, I was 14 years old, my father had food poisoning and was laying in bed. It was maybe 10am in the morning, he could not go in to see his mother who at this point had so many ailments she needed 24h nursing care, and was in a nursing home. My brother and I had not opened anymore presents as he beckoned my mother, my brother and I all in to the room as he barked 'you better all hurry up and go and see my mum, you need to hurry up, stop faffing about'. My mother told him that we would go soon but we weren't ready, he told her that was not good enough and we had to go that instant. I hated him. There are many point in my life where I have hated my father, and this was one of them. Our own enjoyment was irrelevant to him, the fact that I had not even had a shower didn't matter, what we wanted to do didn't count, it was all about what he wanted, how his mother was the most important and we had to forget about ourselves. We were there an hour, in the nursing home, and came back, he told us that we had not spent enough time with her. Never mind the fact that we had guests coming for Christmas dinner and we needed to be at home 'fuck them' he said, my mother's family could be let down but his precious mother had to have all the time in the world spent with her.

Both my parents favour my brother, my mother has always had more time for him, loved him more and been much softer with him than she is with me, my father makes it quite clear I hold no place with him emotionally other than with the title of his daughter. He hates I see his faults, no one is perfect don't get me wrong but it's the blatant selfishness that gets me every single time.

My mother is the one who does everything, when it come to Christmas she buys all the presents but he must put his name to it, I don't thank him anymore for any gifts and why should I? He has never helped my mother at all, he's happy to take the credit but not to open his wallet. This kind of selfishness kills me, he will let my mum pay for everything and if she didn't offer to pay he never would. He feels no remorse, no guilt for the weedy man he has become.

He is emotionally abusive, he has called me names and used my illness as an excuse to suggest my recollection of things are untrustworthy. I hate this. Eating disordered I am, but demented I am not.

I needed to write about this to release some of the deep seated hurt and anger I have felt that has been bubbling away since he has been at home more.

Do you have a parent that is an emotional trigger?
If so how do you distance yourself from it?

Love and Peace

V

xxx