Dear all
So it's been a month since I have been blogging, I feel like I have been in hibernation, sorry about that. I have been crazy busy with my essay submissions for uni which are now all handed in thank god.
So I guess what I have to own up to is that I haven't managed to go through rehydration yet like I was suppose to. I'm too scared, though things aren't exactly working out well as they are at the moment.
As you know I had been ill and had lost "water" weight from that, I know this logically but emotionally accepting that the water needs to be put back is another story. I have put on 1kg in a day! I am furious, I was so angry in fact that I through a vase that I have always hated on the floor and watched it smash.
I'm so angry, i'm angry at my body that this putrid, vile destestible piece of shit could betray me like this, i'm suppose to be stepping away from the scales in order to go through rehydration but I can't. The scales tell me whether i'm happy or miserable for the day, whether I can eat, need to fast, take laxatives, need to spend my day exercising or whether it's so depressing I need to stay in bed and sleep the day away etc. I don't want to get out of bed when the scales have gone up. And now the xmas season is upon us and I have all these parties to go to.
Problem for Victoria and Anorexia is that I can't face going through 'rehydration' and having to attend to all these parties feeling like the fucking elephant in the room. People know me and going through rehydration is too difficult to explain to people. "Hi Yes, I have put on weight, but no it's not from food but water and please don't think this means i'm happy and doing well with food- i'm not'. Definitely not a great conversation starter. So i'm going to have to put on this brave face and do that smile everyone does when they don't want to talk about It but have to pretend like they are happy. If I hear any more comments about how 'well' I look and 'congratulations' for going into treatment last year, then I will scream. All these fucking people haven't got a clue how hard it is for me, how I didn't want it, how I don't want it and how that the process of rehydration is nothing more than a way for me to regain control, stop using behaviours I hate and lose the weight to where I am happy, comfortable and not suicidal.
I have gone through rehydration before, but every time it's through an infusion, but I don't need the infusion currently because i'm taking pills to make sure my electrolytes stay in range, I wasn't doing that before but I have learnt my lesson.
My fear is that i'll gain huge amounts and not stabilise. I know this isn't possible logically, no human just keeps on going and going. But emotionally I feel like an insect being tortured with a huge magnifying glass burning away at my soul. I can't bear to look at me, I can barely tolerate my body as it is today, how the hell am I going to get through 4-6lbs of water weight gain?
I comfort myself for today with the massive packet of laxatives I have taken, your suppose to take one pill, but I've taken 8 and i'll take more later. I'm cross and want a good starting point, for rehydration. I'm thinking maybe I can help myself by fasting for the next couple of days and losing actual weight, that way the rehydration amount won't seem so bad. The problem for me is that when I get to a weight I feel okay at, I get attatched and gaining water, fat, muscle, weight, whatever it maybe becomes so unbearable.
What they did to me in treatment is abuse, I know that, they violated me and I will never let that go, but I feel by going through rehydration i'm mimicking what they did to me in treatment, only it would be temporary. The problem for me is I don't know if I have the fight in me to stay the course of 10-14 days to stabilise my water rehydration without panicking way too much and packing it in.
I know logically I must be dehydrated, I ate 200 kcal on one day and didn't lose a bean the next day. Imagine what would happen to me if I ate 1000 or 800. 1000 is way to high and completely unreaslistic I think, for one i'd never be able to get it down and 2 i'd be in agony, my stomach aches when I eat.
I just wish I had never been forced into treatment and this nightmare would have not been so great, I would either have died and been at peace or been happy in my disorder, now i'm in limbo and the mountain seems to great to climb.
Looking for strength and peace of mind, and a shit load of weight loss by tomorrow.
Hoping to hear from someone, my heart is aching.
Until my angry blog tomorrow
V
xxx
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