So I have decided that there are way too many emotional triggers at home that are stoping me from losing the six pound nightmare that happened to me over the last 48 hours. The transfusions were awful, and I am so unhappy. Finding it hard to get dressed this morning as a consequence of the weight gain. I have cried three times today about it. More like sobbed. The emotional exertion made me so tired I fell asleep. I am very depressed.
So from Monday, I am going to my Nanny's house- away from the emotional crap and all the food at home that keeps being shoved in my face by my parents.
I am going for 1 week, I will take my reading with me, I am currently finishing 'Good wives' by Louisa May Alcott. I am also going to take my stress tapes with me, both 'The Secret' and also Paul McKenna reducing stress and Anxiety. I will also work on a massive motivation project board, this will give me something to do with my hands and a focus. I will not be on Facebook, i sometimes think its good to have a break from social media sites and reduce interaction with the outside world there is less emotional crap over there, it's quiet and I will be able,to control my food intake. I won't be able to weigh in for a week and from then on I'll be hopefully in a weight loss space so that when I come home after a week I can continue my journey.
Previously I have used this method and it has worked well, I will blog every day as I think the journal like format is good for me to write in.
Plan for use of time whilst in detoxifying environment.
8am- wake up, get showered and dressed.
8:30am- watch the news or something on TV.
9am- Breakfast- 1/2 carton of soup and glass of squash-104
9:15-10:15- Read book.
10:15-11am- Stress tape.
11-11:30- watch programme on 40d/start writing my own book.
11:30-12pm-blog
12-1pm- motivation board, or something artistic with magazines.
1pm- Lunch- soup weight watchers with a glass of squash-74
1:30-3:30pm- read book.
3:30-5:30- siesta/continue an activity outlined.
5:30-6:30pm, prepare dinner for Nanny.
6:30- prepare my own dinner- soup and glass of squash-74.
7-9- reading.
9-10:30- TV
10:30pm- wash face, clean teeth and bed.
Total- 252. Follow this plan for one week. In treatment this would be 1/16th of full plan. Hope I see results.
I feel confident this will be useful to me and then In one week, I will be able,to review my weight loss.
Writing this down and knowing I have a plan has been helpful.
Will try this plan at home tomorrow and see how it works out, I know that the stress puts added pressure on following a plan.
Blog tomorrow, comments always welcome. Xxx
Saturday 13 July 2013
Friday 12 July 2013
Misery
I haven't been on for a while as I have had a horrible time recently. For 1 thing, my local team won't stop calling I am beginning to view it as harassment , 6 times a day To make an appointment, don't they get it I AM NOT INTERESTED.
Secondly I went to my GP at one weight and he took some bloods and said I was severely dehydrated and had to go to hospital for a drip. I got given 3 litres of IV fluid and gained 1/2 a stone overnight, I have subsequently almost returned to the 'weight I was' at the end of my stay in treatment. I am gutted and now do not want to leave the house, I have today cried, screamed, self harmed, considered whether life is worth living and now don't feel its possible to go back to my job. 7lbs in a day-they will Definitely notice and my clothes are all tight, why don't i just end the agony now?
The rehydration has puffed out what used to bea flat stomach and filled up my legs, my hip bomes are nearly non existent. I am repulsive walking and I wish at the moment I wasn't here. So now I am going to have to ring my GP surgery on Monday and inform him I am 3kg heavier, I am so embarrassed, ashamed and disgusted by myself. I wouldn't feel the need to inform my GP but, I have an appointment soon and he weighs me, and I don't want to have to explain there and then, that no I didn't stuff ,yield constantly from the minute he previously saw me.
I won't be going back to work tomorrow, and I certainly will be restricting, I am at rehydrated weight and its time to get down to business. I want to lose ideally 7lbs this week or at least 5lbs. I know it's a LOT but I won't be comfortable or semi comfortable atleast until I do.
Goals for this week- 1) rigidly stick to food plan.
2) succeed in losing weight, as set by band.
3) Blog everyday to be accountable.
4) weigh in tomorrow to,get a starting point and Saturday next week to review progress.
Has anyone else had massive weight gain after IV fluids, i didn't pee out any of it and. Am so depressed I can't bear to look at my body? Dreading a shower or bath later.
Laxatives and Valium needed tonight, I got no sleep at the hospital as the Canular was put in the smallest of veins on my upper arm.
It's bright and sunny outside and I just want to crawl I see the covers and hide.
Until tomorrow, goodnight and if I blog tomorrow ou'll know I survived not sure whether that's a good thing or not really. Xxx
Secondly I went to my GP at one weight and he took some bloods and said I was severely dehydrated and had to go to hospital for a drip. I got given 3 litres of IV fluid and gained 1/2 a stone overnight, I have subsequently almost returned to the 'weight I was' at the end of my stay in treatment. I am gutted and now do not want to leave the house, I have today cried, screamed, self harmed, considered whether life is worth living and now don't feel its possible to go back to my job. 7lbs in a day-they will Definitely notice and my clothes are all tight, why don't i just end the agony now?
The rehydration has puffed out what used to bea flat stomach and filled up my legs, my hip bomes are nearly non existent. I am repulsive walking and I wish at the moment I wasn't here. So now I am going to have to ring my GP surgery on Monday and inform him I am 3kg heavier, I am so embarrassed, ashamed and disgusted by myself. I wouldn't feel the need to inform my GP but, I have an appointment soon and he weighs me, and I don't want to have to explain there and then, that no I didn't stuff ,yield constantly from the minute he previously saw me.
I won't be going back to work tomorrow, and I certainly will be restricting, I am at rehydrated weight and its time to get down to business. I want to lose ideally 7lbs this week or at least 5lbs. I know it's a LOT but I won't be comfortable or semi comfortable atleast until I do.
Goals for this week- 1) rigidly stick to food plan.
2) succeed in losing weight, as set by band.
3) Blog everyday to be accountable.
4) weigh in tomorrow to,get a starting point and Saturday next week to review progress.
Has anyone else had massive weight gain after IV fluids, i didn't pee out any of it and. Am so depressed I can't bear to look at my body? Dreading a shower or bath later.
Laxatives and Valium needed tonight, I got no sleep at the hospital as the Canular was put in the smallest of veins on my upper arm.
It's bright and sunny outside and I just want to crawl I see the covers and hide.
Until tomorrow, goodnight and if I blog tomorrow ou'll know I survived not sure whether that's a good thing or not really. Xxx
Wednesday 3 July 2013
What anorexia had to say today
Today has been a hard day, i am full of regret, longing and wishing.
To start I wish I was having a better day, and I suppose I would be if I had never been in an inpatient unit that not only ruined my body but also ruined anorexia as my secret. Now i have professionals treading on my toes, since leaving the unit, determined to maul my anorexia and further obliterate my sense of self.
I have skilfully been ignoring them, though I know that it's only a matter of time before they make a house call.
Today anorexia had a lot to say so prepare for the minefield. Here is what has been running through my head, I have had no peace today as my self hatred gets louder and louder.
1) How could you have let them do this to you? Ravish your body into this fat repulsive entity? I told myself it wasn't my fault that I had not wanted treatment, I had run from it twice but been told if I failed to comply I would have been sectioned. This appeases me slightly but I still feel I have not tried hard enough, the weight needs to come off faster, it took time to lose and six months for the unit to put on.
2) My period came today (I am yet another anomalies), I have a BMI of 13.2 and I am still ovulating. I cling to this, clearly this is my body's way of saying it has loads of fat to have a period so I definitely don't need to gain weight, I need to lose! My head tells me I am a disgusting freak of nature.
3) All the bones have gone, my chest bones, hip bones all less pronounced than they used to be. They were mine and they have been taken from me. I am hateful at myself and even more hateful at every morsel of food and supplement drink that changed my body. When I look in the mirror my thoughts race 'your arms are disgusting, they used to be thinner now they are flabby', 'those thighs, sturdy and rounded, they will take forever to change', 'my stomach was flatter'. I want to rip you to shreds you ugly worthless piece of crap, I am going to make you how you should have been. You have betrayed me and I hate you, yet I have to be in you all day long.
4) What if despite your best efforts you don't lose weight? Then what? You can't leave the house until you have lost at least 4lbs. What if you gain? I tell myself to relax that living on 250-350 kcals a day will make me lose weight, but with my parents weight loss will be slowed down they are feeders and I don't want to be fed.
5) How dare you feel hungry? How dare you give in? What will that liquid do to your weight, what will any of it do to your weight. How dare you sit down, you lazy piece of shit.
I hate you, you fat ugly freak and tomorrow it's war, you are not my friend and I do not like you right now but eventually we will be okay. When the weight comes off and the bones become more prominent the abuse you are experiencing will quieten down, but for now you will have to tolerate it because its what you deserve, punishment for every ounce of weight gain, you should have fought harder.
Anyone else having these thoughts? Comments would be welcome, feeling very low today. Xxx
To start I wish I was having a better day, and I suppose I would be if I had never been in an inpatient unit that not only ruined my body but also ruined anorexia as my secret. Now i have professionals treading on my toes, since leaving the unit, determined to maul my anorexia and further obliterate my sense of self.
I have skilfully been ignoring them, though I know that it's only a matter of time before they make a house call.
Today anorexia had a lot to say so prepare for the minefield. Here is what has been running through my head, I have had no peace today as my self hatred gets louder and louder.
1) How could you have let them do this to you? Ravish your body into this fat repulsive entity? I told myself it wasn't my fault that I had not wanted treatment, I had run from it twice but been told if I failed to comply I would have been sectioned. This appeases me slightly but I still feel I have not tried hard enough, the weight needs to come off faster, it took time to lose and six months for the unit to put on.
2) My period came today (I am yet another anomalies), I have a BMI of 13.2 and I am still ovulating. I cling to this, clearly this is my body's way of saying it has loads of fat to have a period so I definitely don't need to gain weight, I need to lose! My head tells me I am a disgusting freak of nature.
3) All the bones have gone, my chest bones, hip bones all less pronounced than they used to be. They were mine and they have been taken from me. I am hateful at myself and even more hateful at every morsel of food and supplement drink that changed my body. When I look in the mirror my thoughts race 'your arms are disgusting, they used to be thinner now they are flabby', 'those thighs, sturdy and rounded, they will take forever to change', 'my stomach was flatter'. I want to rip you to shreds you ugly worthless piece of crap, I am going to make you how you should have been. You have betrayed me and I hate you, yet I have to be in you all day long.
4) What if despite your best efforts you don't lose weight? Then what? You can't leave the house until you have lost at least 4lbs. What if you gain? I tell myself to relax that living on 250-350 kcals a day will make me lose weight, but with my parents weight loss will be slowed down they are feeders and I don't want to be fed.
5) How dare you feel hungry? How dare you give in? What will that liquid do to your weight, what will any of it do to your weight. How dare you sit down, you lazy piece of shit.
I hate you, you fat ugly freak and tomorrow it's war, you are not my friend and I do not like you right now but eventually we will be okay. When the weight comes off and the bones become more prominent the abuse you are experiencing will quieten down, but for now you will have to tolerate it because its what you deserve, punishment for every ounce of weight gain, you should have fought harder.
Anyone else having these thoughts? Comments would be welcome, feeling very low today. Xxx
Tuesday 2 July 2013
Quotes of the day
Morning! So I
was thinking about something a friend of mine said to me yesterday. She said
that I have a lot of sayings and phrases that I use. Does anyone else have
that? Quotes they use throughout the day with other people or themselves in
situations?
One of the
quotes I use often is ‘Don’t worry about tomorrow, live for today,
tomorrow can worry about itself’. Cheesy? Maybe. Helpful? I don’t know.
But I do know that I got this phrase mainly from treatment. Not exactly my
forte, but as someone who always feels they have to be one step ahead of the
game and worries constantly about things before they have happened. I now try
practising living in the moment however hard I may find it. I don’t always
succeed, I often fail but bringing myself back to the moment that I am living
in rather than worrying about tomorrow or what will happen has at times reduced
my anxiety. Practicing Yoga and mindfulness is a new goal of mine in order to
help reduce stress and anxiety. I particularly found listening to Paul McKenna and
‘The Secret’ really helpful.
‘Love, live and laugh
more’- This is
something that I really want to do, since being in treatment I haven’t Really
laughed and when I say really I mean felt it within me; because I found the
whole inpatient treatment thing exhausting and devastating, I saw my world
crumbling around me. I’m going to try to find one thing every day that I can
laugh about, whether that’s something on TV, or a memory, who knows but
laughing is good for the soul.
‘Nothing in life is non-negotiable’- This is actually a phrase I created
in order to keep myself calm, when I saw no way out of things, when my worry
intensified to a level that was beyond bearable. I told myself to be rational,
logical and practical (I can do this with others but not often myself!) that
nothing in life was not able to be fixed, resolved or changed If I wanted it
to. I hope this phrase can help some people, if you want something then there
is nothing that can stop you within limits from achieving what you want.
So those are
my three quotes for today, Hope they help someone in some way. I’m off to
practice a little mindful practice of my own now, painting your nails, it’s
incredibly therapeutic, something to consider?
My story
My name is 'V' and I have been suffering from anorexia for the past 5 years. I am 21 years old. My case has been described by countless professionals as 'long term' and 'chronic'. I decided to write this blog to get my story out and say what I felt I could never express, In a world that finds the complicated minefield of anorexia too puzzling or too hurtful to contemplate.
My anorexia started when I was 17, but looking back now I realise the cognitions of anorexia had planted their seeds in my mind from the age of 8. At 8 years old I was the oldest in my year, the tallest and the biggest. I remember at this age being ashamed and disgusted by my body. I even remember sitting on the bed crying to my mother about my stomach, asking 'why am I so big, I don't eat more than the other girls', my mother promised to take me to the doctor because she said she didn't know either. She never did, and she claims to not remember this story but I do and I can assure you that moment In Time never left my memory and I still recall it vividly now as if it was yesterday rather than 13 years ago.
School was rough on me emotionally and I didn't exactly get dealt the easiest hand, but I felt it was the destiny I deserved for being clearly unlike other people. By the age of 11 I had already gone through puberty; living in an adults body but a mind and desire to fit in with every other skinny mini bean pole child that was in my year. I instantly believed that I had to compensate in every area of my life to keep up with the people who were 'normal', rather than myself who in my view was this ugly, useless human being.
Finding out I was dyspraxic was another ember to add to an already fuelling fire that I was unlike others and had to work harder at everything to achieve anything. This core belief never left me and still hasn't, I struggled a lot at school feeling awkward and different in ways I didn't want to be, I saw my flaws as punishment for something I had done wrong, I was a nervous and jumpy child, unlike my twin brother who made friends easily, fitted in well and had no problems excelling at school. I felt as though I. Had been dealt the short straw and there was a reason for this, but this reason was unknown to me,
This hatred of the self resulted in me being alone and isolated for being seen as the Frankenstein of my year. I remember at 8 years old being the fattest of my class and looking down at my pot belly and sturdy thighs and wishing I could rip them to pieces and burn the flesh. I recall even then, having a mind and body separation; it was me and still is against my filthy, useless and repulsive piece of crap that was my body. I have for as long as I can remember been fighting the enemy within.
To cut a long story shorter, I went to secondary school, working very hard, engrossing myself in my studies. All the while developing a mask and facade That I wore everyday to protect myself from the abuse i had experienced, pretending that every unkind comment from the teenage boys regarding my lack of attractiveness, for not being blonde, skinny and beautiful; to just slide right off me. Little did they know that every comment they made I already believed to be true, with every insult being stored and invested inside me; feeding an already fuelling fire of low self esteem. I felt awful about myself-so why wouldn't others?
I left school for University and despite working very hard did not achieve a place at the university, I so desperately wanted to go to. 2A*s and an A were not good enough to overshadow my dyspraxia downfall; my maths and science grades (C). Being dyspraxic I was lucky to have even passed those subjects having an extra tutor for two years to help me pass even though I had been told the prognosis was not good. This failure was one of the biggest and most shameful disappointments of my life. T add insult to injury my brother got into all 5 University's he applied to, including the University I wanted to go to, he subsequently ended up studying there. I was very hurt and very unhappy but neither of my parents supported a gap year and reapplication, arguing I may not even get into anywhere at all next time. So I went to the only University i was accepted into, not really wanting to go but feeling i had no option.
Ashamned and hateful for every fibre of my being, i began to diet. I started off at 7 1/2 stone for my 5ft6 frame and ended up at lowest at 5stone (32kg). When i went to University i began to get serious about loisng weight, i was miserable and ashamned and hateful of the body i lived in and by the end of my 2nd year i was exhaused. By the time i reached my 3rd year i was admitted to an inpatient facility for 6 months. When i first went in i was not allowed to wlk, i was put in a wheelchair and for 14 weeks had to use the lift to go anywhere. Refeeding was agony existing on the smallest portions and being moved on from 800kcals a day to 2500. I felt like a freak in a unit that set boundaries of 1kg gain a week; i was gaining 1.5kg. Another validation that i was abnormal and unable to do anything right, i had to be the person that gained the most- of course i did- i had been fat as a child and the freak and i was going to be again. But the unit didn't care. As i put on weight the self hatred intensified to a level that was unbearable. I not only hated myself but i hated everyone who was now exposing me for what i had worked so hard for years to hide. Out of fear and anger i left the unit twice, but under threat of section was readmitted. I had parents who now watched me like a hawk, which changed my disorder from AN to AN/BP.
Since leaving the unit and refusing to day care at a bmi of 15, "medical stability" i lost 10lbs and am now a bmi of 13.5 but i am not satisfied. I desperately wanted to revert soley back to AN and out of choice i would be. I accepted my body at 35kg and now have 3kg to lose to reach my goal.
My new day startstomoorw and i will not be weigh in in again until Saturday to assess my weight loss.
I am by NO means PRO ANA/MIA, but i have lived with this disease too long and recovery was too painful, and caused me to feel suicidal, miserable and depressed. There were days when i wouldn't get out of the bed because of my weight. I hated my weight and no longer wanted to sociaise, leave my room or even be awake. When i am comfortable with my weight i can do all these things, i am with friends, happy and laughing. I don't like the disease and to anyone who is ready or wants recovery then i salute them and encourage them to do so. But i see this illness as part of me, without it i feel robbed of my idenitty.
In this blog i aim to explain my storry, address the misconceptions of anorexia, explain how i understand the disease and how i live my life wiht it. Writing has become very therapeutic- if in doubt i am going to blog it out!
My anorexia started when I was 17, but looking back now I realise the cognitions of anorexia had planted their seeds in my mind from the age of 8. At 8 years old I was the oldest in my year, the tallest and the biggest. I remember at this age being ashamed and disgusted by my body. I even remember sitting on the bed crying to my mother about my stomach, asking 'why am I so big, I don't eat more than the other girls', my mother promised to take me to the doctor because she said she didn't know either. She never did, and she claims to not remember this story but I do and I can assure you that moment In Time never left my memory and I still recall it vividly now as if it was yesterday rather than 13 years ago.
School was rough on me emotionally and I didn't exactly get dealt the easiest hand, but I felt it was the destiny I deserved for being clearly unlike other people. By the age of 11 I had already gone through puberty; living in an adults body but a mind and desire to fit in with every other skinny mini bean pole child that was in my year. I instantly believed that I had to compensate in every area of my life to keep up with the people who were 'normal', rather than myself who in my view was this ugly, useless human being.
Finding out I was dyspraxic was another ember to add to an already fuelling fire that I was unlike others and had to work harder at everything to achieve anything. This core belief never left me and still hasn't, I struggled a lot at school feeling awkward and different in ways I didn't want to be, I saw my flaws as punishment for something I had done wrong, I was a nervous and jumpy child, unlike my twin brother who made friends easily, fitted in well and had no problems excelling at school. I felt as though I. Had been dealt the short straw and there was a reason for this, but this reason was unknown to me,
This hatred of the self resulted in me being alone and isolated for being seen as the Frankenstein of my year. I remember at 8 years old being the fattest of my class and looking down at my pot belly and sturdy thighs and wishing I could rip them to pieces and burn the flesh. I recall even then, having a mind and body separation; it was me and still is against my filthy, useless and repulsive piece of crap that was my body. I have for as long as I can remember been fighting the enemy within.
To cut a long story shorter, I went to secondary school, working very hard, engrossing myself in my studies. All the while developing a mask and facade That I wore everyday to protect myself from the abuse i had experienced, pretending that every unkind comment from the teenage boys regarding my lack of attractiveness, for not being blonde, skinny and beautiful; to just slide right off me. Little did they know that every comment they made I already believed to be true, with every insult being stored and invested inside me; feeding an already fuelling fire of low self esteem. I felt awful about myself-so why wouldn't others?
I left school for University and despite working very hard did not achieve a place at the university, I so desperately wanted to go to. 2A*s and an A were not good enough to overshadow my dyspraxia downfall; my maths and science grades (C). Being dyspraxic I was lucky to have even passed those subjects having an extra tutor for two years to help me pass even though I had been told the prognosis was not good. This failure was one of the biggest and most shameful disappointments of my life. T add insult to injury my brother got into all 5 University's he applied to, including the University I wanted to go to, he subsequently ended up studying there. I was very hurt and very unhappy but neither of my parents supported a gap year and reapplication, arguing I may not even get into anywhere at all next time. So I went to the only University i was accepted into, not really wanting to go but feeling i had no option.
Ashamned and hateful for every fibre of my being, i began to diet. I started off at 7 1/2 stone for my 5ft6 frame and ended up at lowest at 5stone (32kg). When i went to University i began to get serious about loisng weight, i was miserable and ashamned and hateful of the body i lived in and by the end of my 2nd year i was exhaused. By the time i reached my 3rd year i was admitted to an inpatient facility for 6 months. When i first went in i was not allowed to wlk, i was put in a wheelchair and for 14 weeks had to use the lift to go anywhere. Refeeding was agony existing on the smallest portions and being moved on from 800kcals a day to 2500. I felt like a freak in a unit that set boundaries of 1kg gain a week; i was gaining 1.5kg. Another validation that i was abnormal and unable to do anything right, i had to be the person that gained the most- of course i did- i had been fat as a child and the freak and i was going to be again. But the unit didn't care. As i put on weight the self hatred intensified to a level that was unbearable. I not only hated myself but i hated everyone who was now exposing me for what i had worked so hard for years to hide. Out of fear and anger i left the unit twice, but under threat of section was readmitted. I had parents who now watched me like a hawk, which changed my disorder from AN to AN/BP.
Since leaving the unit and refusing to day care at a bmi of 15, "medical stability" i lost 10lbs and am now a bmi of 13.5 but i am not satisfied. I desperately wanted to revert soley back to AN and out of choice i would be. I accepted my body at 35kg and now have 3kg to lose to reach my goal.
My new day startstomoorw and i will not be weigh in in again until Saturday to assess my weight loss.
I am by NO means PRO ANA/MIA, but i have lived with this disease too long and recovery was too painful, and caused me to feel suicidal, miserable and depressed. There were days when i wouldn't get out of the bed because of my weight. I hated my weight and no longer wanted to sociaise, leave my room or even be awake. When i am comfortable with my weight i can do all these things, i am with friends, happy and laughing. I don't like the disease and to anyone who is ready or wants recovery then i salute them and encourage them to do so. But i see this illness as part of me, without it i feel robbed of my idenitty.
In this blog i aim to explain my storry, address the misconceptions of anorexia, explain how i understand the disease and how i live my life wiht it. Writing has become very therapeutic- if in doubt i am going to blog it out!
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