Hello everyone, hope you are all well?
I haven't been posting lately because I have been doing some soul searching, been in a big mess and had a massive shock to my system. There are some things that I have realised whilst being away from my blog and engaging with my Dietician.
1) If I can't be honest with someone who is meant to help me then i'm never going to get out of the rut that I am in.
2) Feeling as though I am incapeable of eating anything without putting on weight is making me depressed and sometimes suicidal.
3) I may need to experience some shit in order to break the cycle i'm in and help myself.
4) I had to tell my mum how angry I was with her and my treatment team for the abuse I experienced, and also that I need her to help me and support me as best as she can.
So, I was honest with my dietician about EVERYTHING. She immediately sent me for a blood test, which turns out due to my use of Sando-K everything is fine. Well it is and it isn't. All my bloods are fine, but she told me that my body is going to go through something called rehydration. It's where you stop b/p altogether and eat 800-1000 calories a day. In that time it is not possible to put on fat but water because when we b/p we shrink the glycagon cells in our body which become rehydrated with water when we stop b/p which looks like weight gain. The weight we are when we are actively b/p is false, however comfortable it makes us feel is not real. Don't get me wrong I am scared shitless to follow this plan. It means that I could put on anywhere up to 5kg, but after 7-10 days it will settle. I will maintain on 1000 calories and not put on any weight.
I am only going through rehydration because I got into a whole with the entire being made to eat 2000+ calories in treatment. My Dieitician I have now is much better, she understand that I can't be the higher bmi of 15 like they got me to in treatment and stay there without doing stupid things or existing in a state of depression. She has told me that whatever "weight" I put on from rehydration she will help to get it off for me, Then from there she'll give me a diet to maintain my weight. I'll never have to b/p again and hopefully by the 10th December i'll be happy again.
The plan is to go through rehydration...praying to God to not put on loads, i'll cope with a few pounds but if it's too many I'll go nuts. I am not going to weigh myself for a week. I'm seeing my dietician next Friday.
I don't think i'll be able to do 1000 calories so i'll stick with 800
My version of 800 calories looks like
20g Rice Krispies with Soya milk and a cup of tea (159)
cup of tea with Almond milk (13)
Soup (264)
cup of tea (13)
Dinner- 2 boiled eggs (178)
*Fruitella sweets to be had throughout the day between Breakfast and dinner (1 packet= 164)
That's me doing the best I can for tomorrow. My mum is going to support me and i'm relieved, I'm scared to eat and I'm terrified of my nightmares being realised, but i'm also hopeful. I want this to work, for me to be okay to eat and not feeling unsure what will happen to me. To know that I can eat to maintain and eat to lose weight.
Fear has held me back for too long and although I am only going through the motions of this in order to get to a level where I can eat a little bit again, i'm also doing it so i'm able to be free of the fetters of b/p. Anorexia has been my constant companion for over 5 years now, but the b/p part of my disorder I have no interest in. I'm doing this so that I can eat to lose weight again and get to the weight I always wanted to be. I find when you b/p you can be so dehydrated internally that you get to a point where it's hard to lose anymore. I'm doing this to be free again, free to know that not all food is my enemy that I can eat a little bit and maintain weight or eat a little bit and lose weight.
Christmas last year was hard, I was in hospital apart from xmas day where I wa allowed to come home, after having been in a private eating disorders clinic for a month and a half and had had a stay in the ICU for 3 blood transfusions, 3 potassium infusions, and so on. This year I want happiness not hell, I want to be back to the weight I want to be, able to relax because I am happy with myself and my family not having to worry about running me back to my private unit. All the other patients at the hospital last year had been granted home leave for the xmas period and I had been left alone in the unit deemed too much of a risk. I want to make this xmas special for my family and for myself to be in a better head space than I have been.
9th-18th- Rehydration phase
19th-25th- Real weight loss week 1
25th-2nd- Real Weight loss week 2
2nd-9th- Real Weight Loss Week 3
10th December Goal Weight- 35kg- going to work so hard to get there once the hellish rehydration phase is over.
Have any of you been through rehydration? What happened? What should I expect.
Love
xxx
No comments:
Post a Comment