Small Triumphs
So today was a small triumph for me! After spending all of yesterday in a massively triggered cycle at home worse than usual, with b/p. Today I actually didn't b/p at all, ignored the triggers and conquered the controlling, frightening, thoughts that plagued my mind,about me being a 'freak of nature' who is unable to lose weight regardless of what they eat. Consequentially, this usually leads to a 'fuck it' mentality.
I am trying to lose weight in time for my Birthday on Tuesday. My ED and i are both frightened and furious at the idea of being heavier than last year when I turned 21, even if I have been in forced treatment for the past six months.
The less I eat the less triggered I am, the calmer I feel, the less agitated and angry. So today I ate a can of weight watchers soup, chewed three packs of gum (added up the calories for the gum and drinks), drank Pepsi max, 2 x 600 mls, ( I love that stuff!) and drank some water. I was worried I would be hungry, I am not, I don't feel anything other than a sense of calm. My parents have been busy working today so I was able to get the food police off of my back.
What really helped to break the cycle was for me to just focus on today, not tomorrow or next week. I told myself this is my plan for today- I think that way it is less overwhelming. The evenings are usually a bad time for me when hunger can take over but today was fine, I relaxed in the bath, gave myself a facial and did my nails. Then watched some tv and now here I am blogging. I hope I can keep this up.
Tomorrow, I am going up to Lincolnshire to see a doll faced (not squished in face) persian kitten, who we might be getting; from the same breeder my cat is from. My cat lost his sister a few years ago, she lived with us and died due to a haemorrhage it was so sad :( we all miss her everyday, and my cat is lonely so we think this new addition may help. I must admit having something to love and care for sounds great to me. My cat being very attached to my mum, I don't often get a look in on his love! Anyways so up there tomorrow, the drive will be three hours each way, we'll visit the kitten (too young to leave his mummy ATM), drive home and then I am going to the cinema in the evening. A busy day which is good for me, and one which i hope will allow me to stick to the same meal plan as today.
When I am in severe restriction mode I weigh myself in the morning and evening, (I did this today, and i was the same both from morning to evening!) but from losing weight before I know I can feel triggered and frightened by thoughts if i don't see any changes to the scale, the next day; so i have to remind myself that Usually for me it takes 4-5 days to see weight loss, is anyone else like this????
Anyways tomorrow, seeing as I will be in the car for six hours I thought this gives me a good chance to catch up on my reading for my English Lit third year course at Uni. So hopefully tomorrow will be productive.
I hope someone can answer my question above, and I would love to hear about others experiences over the week. Have you made any small triumphs happen? I await to hear from you. Wishing you all well.
Sweet dreams.
V
Xxx
