Return to Uni

Day 1- so I returned to uni and I am sitting in a busy coffee shop on campus as I write  this blog post, trying to blend in rather than feeling like one of the protagonists in the novels I read- out of place, insecure, uncertain?

My day didn't exactly start as planned, in fact it was a nightmare. I got up at 6am to make sure I left the house by 7am, to leave two hours to cover 28 miles on the M25- I hit solid traffic, and began questioning whether the universe was trying to tell me I shouldn't be going back to uni, if I missed the first lecture it would be a bad start and a bad start would mean a bad year. Fortunately I made it, only to discover that the lecture theatre had changed where my lecture was meant to be. Fantastic, as if walking in 5minutes late would help the entire blending in. Thankfully i I found it before the lecture had begun,  with a little help and settled down into the lecture room, regarding a tonne of faces of fresh faced students who I didn't know. 'liquid was amazing last night', 'James got with Claire', 'Marie is so upset', this meaningless chatter filled the room and I began to feel like the imposter in the room, amongst a sea of 20 year olds I felt like the student people look at and question 'Why are you still here?' . I do not know these people, I have no idea what they are talking about and a few 'who are you?' Made me feel sufficiently awkward.

It was weird, i am just going to say it, being in a lecture hall again. Weird not knowing anyone, not having graduated last year and weird because of the memories that the entire place evokes. I remind myself to stay calm, that this is good for me- it provides a focus away from home, food and the distractions of family life.

Out of the corner of my eye as I entered my lecture theatre, I noticed a girl, I used to know. She beckoned me over, 'sit with me' her eyes said. I sat down, I asked her I suppose the question that was on both our minds 'why didn't you graduate last year?'. Her answer was vague, cool, non committed- I could have been talking to a politician; 'I was Ill just a mixture of things really'. As an English student we are taught to read into the text, get beneath the surface, find the hidden meaning between the lines. Marriene's response had a clear meaning- I have said nothing and I am not going to, do not ask me why I wasn't here last year specifically because I don't want to tell you and if you're any polite, slightly aware human being you'll know what this answer means and leave it there. I nodded sympathetically, spieled off a similar response to my absence and the conversation regarding our lack of graduation got left there. See that's the thing we both knew the responses meant 'keep out this information is private property' but by saying nothing it was equally clear there was a sore spot that couldn't be ignored, despite the fake smiles and cover up. The harsh reality is, I knew she had had anorexia, I had suspected it when I saw her the second year, we both sat together and I couldn't help but wonder, is she an ex anorexic or still struggling? I guess I'll never know.

The lecture was interesting 'The Mill on The Floss' by George Eliot, it was a little de ja vu esque with the lecturer wearing the same clothes she wore last year, the same voice and giving the same lecture. The only thing that was different was me, I am different and not in a way that I am enjoying. Regardless I made good notes, and the lecture ended. 

I find myself free on campus until 1pm, when I have my seminar. So I figured out my wifi  for my iPad on campus, made a few extra lecture notes, brushed up on the novel I read a ear ago (lord knows I wasn't attempting 600 pages again for the sake of a recap. But it was as I started the crossword puzzle I began to see that words and meanings and places would never leave me. 16 across 8 letter word 'someone who does not fit it'- IMPOSTER, 5 down, ' 10 letter word something that is not finished- INCOMPLETE, 9 across 5 letter word, someone who has recovered from an illness 'CURED'- did the crossword want to be anymore ironic? And as I was sitting there with the feelings that this disease is who I am, always with me, reminded by everything. The phone rang. The local services want to see me. I ask myself can I ever get a break from the constant reminders? 

Anyways, so i sit down to write this blog post, when a voice interrupts my thoughts 'What are you writing?', I look up, the guy sitting across the table from me clearly as noticed my ferocious typing. He's good looking, my type, speaks well.  'Nothing really just some notes', a lie but I figure he doesn't need to know the truth. 'HI my name is V, I am anorexic and I have taken the year off uni last year as a result and I am writing a blog post about my return to uni', yeah the truth had about the same appeal Henry James novel 'What Maisie knew' will have for me in a couple of weeks on my course- None. So we got chatting and again the subject came up of how I should have graduated last year but didn't, I left it at ' I was I'll, but he clearly wanted to know why, thank god he didn't have the audacity to ask with what? He's in his fourth year, content and well put together. He asks for my number and adds me on Facebook, maybe there could be something. I don't know.

It's midday here now and the coffee shop has been invaded by a swarm of people wanting to eat lunch, the smell of cooking fills the air made worse by the guy next to me who clearly has never heard of table manners as he speaks and eats with his mouth open simultaneously making the noise that I hate when people are eating- chewing but not like normal chewing the chewing that everyone hears and thinks is inappropriate and grating but no one says anything. 

Anyways my seminar is 1-2pm, and then I am off home. I should be home by 3pm in time for some soup (my food for the day). I am hoping like Stoptober instead of quitting smoking, I can quit eating, stick to my diet plan,  and weigh myself on Friday to see some fabulous weight loss. 

I need to go into town and get some make up after that, and I'll catch myself up for next week in terms of notes and novels to read. I haven't got much planned for the week but I need to. Perhaps I'll hear from the employ,net agency I registered for some part time work. A little bit of money on the side never hurt, particularly student living in London- talk about expensive!

So I leave this blog post for now with a few questions

Have you ever met someone like I did and knew there was that infinite underlying issue of 'ask but I won't tell?' As I did with Marriene today? I guess I want to know how did we all become fluent In the social code of I say one thing but communicate another?

Just a few thoughts, off to deliberate determinism now.

Xxx V xxx

Revelations, revulsion and resistance

Revelations, revulsion, and resistance 

Revulsion 

So, I have had a few problems getting online my Internet has been rubbish and the connection failing but I finally think it is sorted :) 

This week despite my efforts things have not gone well (at least I am being honest), I was completely triggered by the revelation of my period; since leaving treatment and losing some weight I haven't had one in about 4 months. I haven't gained weight, so I don't know why it decided to rock up and rain on my parade this week. Thank you mother nature for reminding me I am a fat cow dripping in flesh, bmi 13.7. As you can probably see, this did not go down well. 

I tell myself in some measure this must be a good thing, because it does in a twisted way answer some of my unanswered questions.

Revelations 

I thought I must have no maintenance level as I was continuously b/p many times a day for months, because I believed I was getting rid of all i was eating. This can't be true because my body would presumably 

1) not be able to survive on nothing and therefore lose weight and eventually die.

2) not  be capable of having a period as if it was truly surviving on nothing it would not lose blood and iron through a non necessary process to survival e.g. Menstruation. 

3) my potassium and hydration levels can't be terrible or even that bad, as when they are I don't have a period, why would your body lose liquid voluntarily if it didn't have the reserves to do so? (I take Sando K and drink 2.5-3 litres of fluid a day). 

4) I am therefore in a position to eat, keep food down and lose weight.

I desperately want to stop but as discussed in my previous post, fear holds me back, even if the logic is utterly twisted. 

For example, I think 'I can't eat anything without gaining weight, I'll never be able to lose weight, might as well therefore stuff my face and b/p'. 

I keep reminding myself this makes no sense as I do the very thing that scares me shitless, I eat and limbo into the world between starvation and stuffing. Not safe and not a place to be. 

Anyway it's usually a combination of physical hunger and emotional anger or sadness or even fear that makes me b/p. I tell myself it's important that I do things a different way, to see if I lose weight, scratch that, to see how much weight I will lose.

Resistance

In order to do this I need to keep busy, when I am busy I have less time to be. Around food, anxious or agitated by the past and my present state. 

today's tactics are to

1) Lay in until late.

2) Go and get my nails done at 11:30am , which means leaving home at 11am

3) Going to the pottery cafe for a few hours In the afternoon.

4) Going for a walk near the open green, if I am not in agony with my period.

5) buying stationary for my return to uni on Monday.

6) making a motivation/dream board.

7) watching tv on iPad

8) watching a movie

9) watching strictly come dancing in the evening

10) giving myself a facial

11) having a really hot bath

12) taking Valium before bed.

Getting Honest

So, I have not been in a good space lately, and so therefore have not been online. I decided to write this post to literally purge (pardon the pun) the honesty and the feelings that are poisoning my system. Hopefully with this detox of negative feelings i'll be able to start a new chapter in my book of anorexia and my eating disorder, this current paragraph of my life is much like a Henry James novel- getting boring, repetitive and monotonous (no offence to any Henry James fans, he is not my cup of tea, I like mine with soya light or almond milk not the full fat cream that is the headache of his novels).. Like his novels come round full circle to the same questions much do my own thoughts inside my head.

The other day I felt really low, in fact I would say suicidal. See that's what treatment has done to me fucked with my mind, screwed with my ability to trust and diminished my desire to live in a wretched body that I am  scared I cannot change.

Horrid thoughts run through my head like a punishing cycle. My mind looks back to the a time when I was happy with my weight, about 1/2 a stone ago. I felt comfortable, I was calm, and I was eating, (not much, but earing all the same). Since leaving treatment I got caught up in a b/p cycle which I now am trying to break. A few months ago after having 3litres of fluid pumped into me through IV I gained 6lbs, it was at that point I wanted to die. I have not lost much really from the b/p cycle I have been in, since this massive level of rehydration took place maybe a killo and a bit. I always rehydrate properly, take Sando K, and my weight has pretty much remained within a bracket of 1lb.

The whole rehydration thing mentally mucks about in my mind, it has confused me into thinking when I purge I get everything up, (there have been times In The morning where I have weighed myself before and after and been the same weight) in my view I took this as evidence to be that I got everything up when I purge, but that must be untrue, because if that were the case surely I would lose rapid weight right? Also if i was getting up everything my body would surely be cold because it would have  nothing in the system, to keep me warm and I am a normal body temperature. Do i have a maintenance level or do i not have one at all? i tell myself i am human that all human beings  have a maintenance level, that every human being is capable of gaining, losing and maintaining their weight. However the terror of the questions and the potential unimaginably horrible answers they could hold simultaneously  suspend me from trying to break into some kind of cycle of non purging. But it is something I desperately want.

Ironically I can restrict, I am capable of it, but my anorexia screamed at me after eating only 250 kcals, for the entire day and remaining the same weight the next morning. It made me think that I cannot lose weight, that I will be the first human being alive to have something wrong with their metabolism, even writing this makes me feel sick, and I pray that it is untrue. I tell myself when I was losing weight, I had to wait a few days to see weight loss 4/5 days in fact. I only ever lost over night if I had binged the day before that and the fasted all day because I assume what I was getting off there was heightened glycogen and water levels but this is different, shedding g real weight means that the odd has to perform a complicated process to lose it. So as a result of this fear I have decided to stay away from the scales u it, I have completed 4/5 days of my 140-200kal diet. I tell myself I will after a few days lose on this, if I didn't then It would be like suggesting That someone could physically starve me but I wold be unaffected by he denial of energy put into my body- I tell myself this is nonsense- out of nothing, nothing can be made. However the Intrusive thoughts don't help and when they take over for some reason my mind goes to b/p, sometimes out of hunger, other times out of fear (as if putting in food will help in the slightest with my fear of maintaining/gaining weight even if I utterly starve myself).

It boils down to a fear of failing at something I use to be good at, something that made me happy, and I guess the question that lays ultimately on my mind is 'what will I do if starvation doesn't make me lose weight, how will I live with myself then if I cannot change the thing that makes me want to die?'

Anyways now that the thoughts are out hopefully because they have no living space in my head anymore and exist in the forum of cyber space they can disintegrate as irrational fears that will not be my  reality.

I have decided to not give in, to start small to keep down what I know I can which is a plan of 140kcals a day, which I hope will also make me lose weight. I'll be taking Sando K and drinking 1500-1800mls fluid a day. 

I made a spider diagram and ideas to keep busy to not allow the intrusive thoughts in. 

I hereby renounce purging, and you all are my witnesses'. It no longer exists in my state of being, I got sucked Into a black whole but slowly I am climbing back out and hopefully at the end of the tunnel I will see the light, along with some nice weight loss to make me smile. Something I haven't done in quite a while.

Taking back control, the power lies with me, if I want something I will get it and weight loss and banishing purging is top of my agenda. 

Going to be blogging everyday I need that space to just write out the toxins out of me, reach out, have some comments from my readership.

I guess what I would be grateful to known is, can anyone reassure my fears? If I eat that little, I will lose weight right? When you lose weight does it take a few days to see a result?

Reaching out, all responses welcome.

V xxx

The Big Roller coaster of a Birthday

The Birthday Roller coaster

So for the last 4 days have been shit. Friday was okay, good in fact but then it all went downhill from there. I do well until the evening then I just get hungry and I am off-whoosh

Today is my Birthday and I am emotionally triggered by it, this time last year I went to the ritz with friends for afternoon tea, I was my Goal weight and happy. This year after forced treatment I am not my goal, I am heavier. I feel depressed and I have decided to not celebrate my Birthday- give me a slice of failure cake because I feel lie the biggest fake alive. I know it is less than 1/2 a stone to lose but I am still trying to figure out, if the weight I am now after a 3litre potassium infusion and a 6lb weight gain is my 'real weight'. Or will I gain regardless of what I eat? I tell myself some logical facts (that I pray apply to me)

1) out of nothing, nothing can be made- if i don't put it in, and am in Ketosis,then surely I can't gain or even maintain.

2) I drink 2 litres of liquid a day sometimes and my weight didn't change- if it was goi g to hang onto liquid wouldn't that have shown up on the scale?

3) if my metabolic rate was slow or I was severely dehydrated surely I would be very cold, bloating out whenever eating and showing signs of dehydration. When I first went Into treatment, I was freezing, blacking out, with constant cramp (my potassium level was 1.2 and I hadn't drunk liquid for a week). I am experiencing none if these symptoms, I take Sando K now after every episode and drink 1-2litres of water depending in how bad things were. So I feel if I do lose fluids that I am replenishing them?

I tell myself I owe it to myself to try this for a week to see how I fare with it. It would be good to see that I can lose weight, if I don't eat. My tally on Friday was 138kcal. I didn't lose weight the next day which sent anxiety through my body. But if I did it for a week, surely my maintenance level is not that low? When I was 5st10 (non dehydrated weight), I use to be able to eat 1,000 cals a day and maintain. Now the idea of that freaks me out, I mainly want to know if my weight is correct in terms of hydration and I have no way of fully telling this.

Today has not gone well, I got up looked in the mirror, cried, went back to bed. My two best friends from uni seem to have forgotten my Birthday, and I am left hating myself. 

My 22nd birthday will be filled with prising myself out of bed, attempting not to binge again today, taking my CV to an employment agency for part time work and buying some sando K, in whatever chemist will sell a pack.

However I am determined for my 22nd to turn over a new leaf, to follow through with my plans and not let fear get in my way.

Xxx

Triumphs

Small Triumphs

So today was a small triumph for me! After spending all of yesterday in a massively triggered cycle at home worse than usual, with b/p. Today I actually didn't b/p at all, ignored the triggers and conquered the controlling, frightening, thoughts that plagued my mind,about me being a 'freak of nature' who is unable to lose weight regardless of what they eat. Consequentially, this usually leads to a 'fuck it' mentality. 

I am trying to lose weight in time for my Birthday on Tuesday. My ED and i are both frightened and furious at the idea of being heavier than last year when I turned 21, even if I have been in forced treatment for the past six months.

The less I eat the less triggered I am, the calmer I feel, the less agitated and angry. So today I ate a can of weight watchers soup, chewed three packs of gum (added up the calories for the gum and drinks), drank Pepsi max, 2 x 600 mls, ( I love that stuff!) and drank some water.  I was worried I would be hungry, I am not, I don't feel anything other than a sense of calm. My parents have been busy working today so I was able to get the food police off of my back.

What really helped to break the cycle was for me to just focus on today, not tomorrow or next week. I told myself this is my plan for today- I think that way it is less overwhelming. The evenings are usually a bad time for me when hunger can take over but today was fine, I relaxed in the bath, gave myself a facial and did my nails. Then watched some tv and now here I am blogging. I hope I can keep this up.

Tomorrow, I am going up to Lincolnshire to see a doll faced (not squished in face) persian kitten, who we might be getting; from the same breeder my cat is from. My cat lost his sister a few years ago, she lived with us and died due to a haemorrhage it was so sad :( we all miss her everyday, and my cat is lonely so we think this new addition may help. I must admit having something to love and care for sounds great to me. My cat being very attached to my mum, I don't often get a look in on his love! Anyways so up there tomorrow, the drive will be three hours each way, we'll visit the kitten (too young to leave his mummy ATM), drive home and then I am going to the cinema in the evening. A busy day which is good for me, and one which i hope will allow me to stick to the same meal plan as today. 

When I am in severe restriction mode I weigh myself in the morning and evening, (I did this today, and i was the same both from morning to evening!) but from losing weight before I know I can feel triggered and frightened by thoughts if i don't see any changes to the scale, the next day; so i have to remind myself that Usually for me it takes 4-5 days to see weight loss, is anyone else like this????

Anyways tomorrow, seeing as I will be in the car for six hours I thought this gives me a good chance to catch up on my reading for my English Lit third year course at Uni. So hopefully tomorrow will be productive.

I hope someone can answer my question above, and I would love to hear about others experiences over the week. Have you made any small triumphs happen? I await to hear from you. Wishing you all well.

Sweet dreams.

V

Xxx

Forgiveness

Forgive? can we, do we, should we?

I have been for many months after forced treatment in a punishment cycle that my mind can't seem to resolve. I hate myself for putting on weight I didn't want, and in order to serve my anorexia I left twice but was promptly brought back under threat of a section.

The ghosts and memories of treatment haunt me, I should have fought harder, I should have found a way to keep out of hospital, at best- I should have lost the weight by now. Despite not being the weight I was when I was in treatment (1/2 a stone lighter), I am not satisfied. I want to be 1/2 a stone lighter to feel more normal, and ultimately a stone lighter than I am now- I would settle for 1/2 a stone off for now though.

Because my parents have become watch dogs when it comes to myself and food that has triggered the b/p part of my illness out of sheer desperation. I find I cannot forgive myself for this and my guilt and shame of being unable to lose the weight I want and the b/p cycle makes me feel not only a failure to my anorexia but a failure to myself.

Not only am I furious with myself, my inability to forgive my parents has meant that our relationship is strained, I am livid with them, they thought they were doing the best for me but all it has actually done is triggered a compensatory measure- yes I am eating more now than I was, but I have to do something about it. 'Why are you miserable?', 'You never look happy', and 'What's wrong with you?' Are comments often directed towards me in my home. I would like to answer 'because you have destroyed me, I don't know who I am anymore, you have destroyed the one part of me that made me feel like me, that I was comfortable with, now I want to commit suicide every time I look in the
mirror'.

My family trigger my b/p part of the illness, I hate myself for that. I find it hard to be at home and not b/p because of them. There comments, and view that I am the drag to their perfect family hurts. My parents have always favoured my twin brother that's just the way the non fat, gluten free, sugarless, cookie crumbles. My friends have commented on it, my parents ignore that the issue exists, my brother enjoys it. I accept the situation  for what it is, it has always been that way but it doesn't mean I like it. I want to forgive my parents for this, but the problem is how can I forgive for the doings of the past when it still plagues me in the present? My parents behaviour and views won't change despite me discussing it with them. It's not really a discussion when you get called an ungrateful, jealous, spiteful bitch, but all the same the issue gets raised.

I want to forgive my brother, for milking the favouritism of our parents, for saying he wishes I would just hurry up and die, that he wants me sectioned to get rid of me to relieve the unhappiness in our
home, for saying that their lives are better when I am not present. He meant all of those things and
has never apologised to me. I can assure you if the roles were reversed I would not have been treated the same.

I am angry with my Consultant- she put me through hell, two mental health assessments and a parting gift of another should I not 'comply' with local services. She saw me begging her not to make me put on more weight when I was stable, to let me go home and manage- she knew I was a long term anorexic yet she simply replied ' I can't do that V, you'll just have to get use to your new weight'. I
hadn't been 6st7 since I was 17, but she would not compromise. 'Bmi 15, has to be reached in an inpatient facility, as condition for you remaining a voluntary patient, if you choose to ignore me, we'll have to do things more formally'. I don't want to forgive her, but I want to forget. But every time I look at my body I see her craftsmanship, her handiwork.

I guess the question that lays in my mind is, how do we forgive ourselves, when we feel that the thing we have done is not forgivable?

I feel as though it's important for me to forgive myself, to get some closure, but there are some things that can never be taken back. I can't take back the 6 months I spent in an inpatient facility, I can't remove the things that have been said to me and are engraved in my memory and I especially can't forgive myself for the weight gain that I so desperately didn't want.

I want to forgive, but when you can't forget, how is that possible?

Do you find it hard to forgive yourself? If you found a way to do it, how did you?

I look forward to hearing from someone.

Take care of you.

V
xxx

Food and Feelings

Food and Feelings The basic function of food is to fuel the body; to provide energy and nourishment in order to survive. However as humanity has evolved society has used food as so much more than fuel. Food is at the heart of most celebrations all over the world; Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, Diwali, Hanukkah, the list is endless.

It's a communication of generosity, hospitality, wealth and even religion. It's used to provide comfort, to congratulate, to commemorate, commiserate; it is without doubt that society has utilised food as a unification and bonding tool throughout the world.

As a consequence of the multi purpose relationship society has placed within food, it's no wonder that human beings have a complicated relationship with food, because of its ability to be both feeder of the body and feeder of emotions.

It's my opinion that we all accept the love we think we deserve. When food implies failure, to an eating disordered person that's when we begin to get into murky water.

My Relationship with anorexia and my eating disorder is a bond like marriage, I feel there is no two separate entities rather just me, which includes anorexia. I am nearly 22, and my anorexia actively started when I was 17, and heightened when I went to university. I believe that my anorexia is punishment driven; I had always hated my body and was diagnosed with BDD at the age of 8. Coupling this self hatred of the body with a major disappointment ( I didn't get into the University I wanted to go to, despite having the grades), my anorexia began as a way of outwardly communicating, how much I hate myself, how awful it must be for others to look at the pulsating fat on my body that I would butcher with a knife if I could.

 My anorexia is also a way of striving to achieve something I have always wanted; a thin body; it concretely demonstrates an achievement that was measurable. It serves to punish me for a failure that was like a dagger to my heart, whilst simultaneously dimming the wound that had been created, with something much more important to focus on and achieve.

 I was/am/ and will starve myself physically to counteract the feast of negative emotions I feel inherently. Anorexia in my opinion, is about hating yourself, I am my own worst enemy,having never been at ease in my own skin, combined with devastating failure my self esteem died there and then.

So whether we binge ( I see it as treating ourselves like a rubbish bin, putting in crap because that's what we think we are; then getting rid of it. Or starving ourselves, which we pray brings the promise of a change to the self; hoping to remove some of the physical rubbish we see every time we look in the mirror- we are communicating a deep seated toxic hate.

As I said early, I believe we accept the love we think we deserve, and it frustrates me so much that people not suffering with an eating disorder don't realise that by starving or bingeing and purging that we are making a very strong statement regarding the self; that essentially we are treating ourselves like nothing because that's what we think we are worthy of.

Just my thoughts on food, feelings and a few facts. Any comments always welcome, Xxx

Returning to uni- the appointment

So, I have an appointment with the Educational Support office at my uni about returning at the end of September to do my course part time and finish my third year over two years. I feel quite frankly sick to my stomach. Not about returning, though that does provoke anxiety but the meeting itself.

You see going back to Uni, feels strange. For one thing many ghosts are there, many memories both good and bad, and a few rather painful. The primary memory that sticks out the most is me being there at my happiest weight of 5 stone. I am now a stone heavier, after forced treatment.

Going to the meeting itself makes me feel like jumping off the next roundabout I see, knowing that the feelings the people at the meeting will catalyse in me will be acutely negative. I always try to,prepare myself for e comments people make when you have not seen them in a while, but each time they feel like a dagger, like taking a bullet, like salt being rubbed Into an already angry wound. I expect to here about 'how much weight' I have put on and 'well done' and 'how much better I look and must feel'.

All I want to scream is 'FUCK OFF, I feel worse not better, I am angry and hateful and resentful and at times suicidal. I have no idea what I can eat or can't eat since treatment triggered the b/p side of my disorder that was otherwise dormant and I have felt has had to continue since coming home and having the food police also known as my parents at my heels. I hate food, I hate what food does to me, I hate how food makes me feel, I hate weight gain, I hate how much weight has been put on me. But mostly I want to scream that this evil moral rape that was projected onto me, was not my choice. Because no person would choose to be made as miserable as I am. The words mental health section were raised constantly throughout treatment, and a mental health assessment did take place; which I passed with conditions to not being sectioned, I.e. staying in treatment. So don't project assumptions onto me about my happiness, about my looks, you don't know me, the hell I have been through and the demons I faced. I. Still have nightmares about treatment now, I wake up a sweaty mess with the fear of food inside me, the fear of weight gain. Better? You don't know the meaning of the word, if you think I am better. I am physically more stable but better, well if you want to go inside my head for a while and be the judge for yourself, go ahead because the torment goes on and never leaves'. Sorry if that sounds like a massive rant, it is but I wonder, can anyone identify with the anger? With the hate? I hate myself right now. I feel like my identity has been moulded and shaped into an ugly mess. I guess my question is, how do I get over my anger and hate? Is it even possible to let this go? Xxxx