My name is 'V' and I have been suffering from anorexia for the past 5 years. I am 21 years old. My case has been described by countless professionals as 'long term' and 'chronic'. I decided to write this blog to get my story out and say what I felt I could never express, In a world that finds the complicated minefield of anorexia too puzzling or too hurtful to contemplate.
My anorexia started when I was 17, but looking back now I realise the cognitions of anorexia had planted their seeds in my mind from the age of 8. At 8 years old I was the oldest in my year, the tallest and the biggest. I remember at this age being ashamed and disgusted by my body. I even remember sitting on the bed crying to my mother about my stomach, asking 'why am I so big, I don't eat more than the other girls', my mother promised to take me to the doctor because she said she didn't know either. She never did, and she claims to not remember this story but I do and I can assure you that moment In Time never left my memory and I still recall it vividly now as if it was yesterday rather than 13 years ago.
School was rough on me emotionally and I didn't exactly get dealt the easiest hand, but I felt it was the destiny I deserved for being clearly unlike other people. By the age of 11 I had already gone through puberty; living in an adults body but a mind and desire to fit in with every other skinny mini bean pole child that was in my year. I instantly believed that I had to compensate in every area of my life to keep up with the people who were 'normal', rather than myself who in my view was this ugly, useless human being.
Finding out I was dyspraxic was another ember to add to an already fuelling fire that I was unlike others and had to work harder at everything to achieve anything. This core belief never left me and still hasn't, I struggled a lot at school feeling awkward and different in ways I didn't want to be, I saw my flaws as punishment for something I had done wrong, I was a nervous and jumpy child, unlike my twin brother who made friends easily, fitted in well and had no problems excelling at school. I felt as though I. Had been dealt the short straw and there was a reason for this, but this reason was unknown to me,
This hatred of the self resulted in me being alone and isolated for being seen as the Frankenstein of my year. I remember at 8 years old being the fattest of my class and looking down at my pot belly and sturdy thighs and wishing I could rip them to pieces and burn the flesh. I recall even then, having a mind and body separation; it was me and still is against my filthy, useless and repulsive piece of crap that was my body. I have for as long as I can remember been fighting the enemy within.
To cut a long story shorter, I went to secondary school, working very hard, engrossing myself in my studies. All the while developing a mask and facade That I wore everyday to protect myself from the abuse i had experienced, pretending that every unkind comment from the teenage boys regarding my lack of attractiveness, for not being blonde, skinny and beautiful; to just slide right off me. Little did they know that every comment they made I already believed to be true, with every insult being stored and invested inside me; feeding an already fuelling fire of low self esteem. I felt awful about myself-so why wouldn't others?
I left school for University and despite working very hard did not achieve a place at the university, I so desperately wanted to go to. 2A*s and an A were not good enough to overshadow my dyspraxia downfall; my maths and science grades (C). Being dyspraxic I was lucky to have even passed those subjects having an extra tutor for two years to help me pass even though I had been told the prognosis was not good. This failure was one of the biggest and most shameful disappointments of my life. T add insult to injury my brother got into all 5 University's he applied to, including the University I wanted to go to, he subsequently ended up studying there. I was very hurt and very unhappy but neither of my parents supported a gap year and reapplication, arguing I may not even get into anywhere at all next time. So I went to the only University i was accepted into, not really wanting to go but feeling i had no option.
Ashamned and hateful for every fibre of my being, i began to diet. I started off at 7 1/2 stone for my 5ft6 frame and ended up at lowest at 5stone (32kg). When i went to University i began to get serious about loisng weight, i was miserable and ashamned and hateful of the body i lived in and by the end of my 2nd year i was exhaused. By the time i reached my 3rd year i was admitted to an inpatient facility for 6 months. When i first went in i was not allowed to wlk, i was put in a wheelchair and for 14 weeks had to use the lift to go anywhere. Refeeding was agony existing on the smallest portions and being moved on from 800kcals a day to 2500. I felt like a freak in a unit that set boundaries of 1kg gain a week; i was gaining 1.5kg. Another validation that i was abnormal and unable to do anything right, i had to be the person that gained the most- of course i did- i had been fat as a child and the freak and i was going to be again. But the unit didn't care. As i put on weight the self hatred intensified to a level that was unbearable. I not only hated myself but i hated everyone who was now exposing me for what i had worked so hard for years to hide. Out of fear and anger i left the unit twice, but under threat of section was readmitted. I had parents who now watched me like a hawk, which changed my disorder from AN to AN/BP.
Since leaving the unit and refusing to day care at a bmi of 15, "medical stability" i lost 10lbs and am now a bmi of 13.5 but i am not satisfied. I desperately wanted to revert soley back to AN and out of choice i would be. I accepted my body at 35kg and now have 3kg to lose to reach my goal.
My new day startstomoorw and i will not be weigh in in again until Saturday to assess my weight loss.
I am by
NO means PRO ANA/MIA, but i have lived with this disease too long and recovery was too painful, and caused me to feel suicidal, miserable and depressed. There were days when i wouldn't get out of the bed because of my weight. I hated my weight and no longer wanted to sociaise, leave my room or even be awake. When i am comfortable with my weight i can do all these things, i am with friends, happy and laughing. I don't like the disease and to anyone who is ready or wants recovery then i salute them and encourage them to do so. But i see this illness as part of me, without it i feel robbed of my idenitty.
In this blog i aim to explain my storry, address the misconceptions of anorexia, explain how i understand the disease and how i live my life wiht it. Writing has become very therapeutic- if in doubt i am going to blog it out!
