Anger, fear and everything in between

Anger, and its sister Fear

So back at uni today, after heaving myself out of bed to brave the m25 at 6am, I made it to campus at 8:45am, tired, cold and not in the mood to be messed about. In honesty I suppose the crap at home isn't helping.

My mum and I are not seeing eye to eye at the moment, 'you've lot weight haven't you?' She asks in an aggressive hostile tone. I haven't. I wish I had,I am annoyed and pissed off by her accusation, for a variety of reasons.

1) I do not appreciate her tone, it is rude, accusatory and confrontational, she manages to keep her mouth shut for a few weeks before she starts spurting her toxic poison. She uses this as a starting point to launch herself like an Inter galactic missile, she is about as subtle as a gun and the game she plays is both predictable and transparent to me. I tell her I haven't lost weight. This enables her to spur her second point 'well your not the same weight as when you left treatment are you?' This is phrased as a question but unveiled as a statement. I tell her it's none of her business, I have seen the local services and they have said the same as always. My mother hates this, being shut out, unknowing of my weight, out of the loop, she wants to control me but I just want to control myself. I realise I am doing this as a way of rejecting her, punishing her, hurting her. In a way I want to shut her out because I felt as though my opinion when  In treatment mattered very little to her. She shut me out, watched as people did things to me that I didn't want. Being a predator and aggressor doesn't always have to be first hand, if you exist as a witness you are involved, you are not removed from responsibility. I want to hurt her in a way that she and others have hurt me. They made me into a person i do not know, with a body I not only don't know but hate. I equate what they did to me as a moral rape, manipulating, moulding and shaping me into a fat suicidal mess. It took time to lose the weight, they destroyed me. As a consequence I have destroyed the relationship with my mother.

2) This leads me to my second point, the question she asks are not out of concern for me but for herself, she cares what people think of her. She states 'this has been going on too long now, I thought you would get over it by now and just put on the weight'. Six months in a treatment facility and she still speaks like a foreigner to anorexia.  Her comment makes me angry, really angry to the point where I want to wrap my hands around her throat and throttle her. Throttle her for what they did to me, for how unhappy they have made me, for the selfishness that stands behind her desire for me to change and her disregard for how I feel. She had as always prioritised her own feelings above my own. 

3) she then decides having no joy from her previous comments to pull out the big guns.also known as emotional blackmail.  This portion of the game she is has coerced me into playing involved demeaning me, reinforcing how awful a human being she thinks I am in a hope of me having some kind of wake up call, she calls me deluded, she should take a look at herself. She hopes by stating 'we have no family life because of you' will make me want to change. As if this sudden knife to the heart will make me come to some epiphany like something out of a Jane Austen novel, declare my deepest sympathy for my behaviour and conform to societal ideal. Please it may have been like that for Marianne in 'Sense and Sensibility' but we're living in the book of reality not fiction. S the response is simply met with anger, as I ask her whether she should perhaps consider her own faults in this situation. My uncle and his family do not want to see me now that I have the label of 'anorexia' on me, despite socialising with me at a lower weight, the label appears to superficially changed everything, this annoys me as much as it frustrates me.  The irony of this statement is, my family at home want me to eat with them, why would I want to partake in the act I find most disgusting in front of people who not only incur my anger and hate but who blame me for everything. It is my mothers opinion I should be martyr myself for the sake of everyone else's happiness. She stupidly states 'As you put on weight you would be happier', what an idiot, when I left treatment at a bmi of 15, I was the most unhappy I had ever been, angry, sad, hateful, why would I want to do something that makes me so unhappy? I already feel like I have been massacred, what they did to me made me more fearful of gaining weight than my fears before treatment, they have made me afraid of my own body, fearful I can't eat anything without gaining weight, the experience was entirely negative, I do not see one aspect of it that made me feel any better.  I have told her this but it is ignored. When I was a bmi of 15 when I left treatment my mum was ecstatic she made comments like 'you look normal now'. This elation was for herself, but was bad for me. It further fuelled my core belief that I look heavier than others at my weight or when I put on weight and therefore need to be lighter in weight in order to look thin. And also that if that was the case there was no way I would ever put on more weight ever again. I felt as though my label, identity and the essence that I had been comfortable with had been stripped away. Stupidly my mother assumed as I put on weight that my anorexia 'just went away' that the desire to lose weight wasn't there any more, that my fear of weight gain disappeared and that I was no longer entitled to the feelings that I had initially because I was 'better', the mental side of it remained the same for me throughout treatment. At the end of my stay though I just felt like an anorexic inside sewn into a fat suit, I was and Amin a disguise that hides the real me, and I wish I could take off. The only way to take it off is to lose weight.

'Go and see someone' she urges to talk about how you feel. This change in tactics  is often deployed when my mother realises she has taken a wrong tern much like a fault in monopoly ' she cannot pass go'. No. Way. I will never be honest or talk openly with any professional again. They threaten section or weight gain and I'd rather chop off my own fingers than face that ever again. Why would I do that? When I can keep it to myself and not live in the fear. I will never share anything with Any of those psychopaths ever again. 

Another game my mother and I have taken to playing is 'hide and sneak'. The local services write letters to me, and i sometimes write a diary and she then attempts to find them and read them, sneaking through my drawers and wardrobe in order to find any kind of ammunition or information she can use against me and to control me.  I confront her about this ' I was just tidying up'. Pretty feeble move. ' really I ask her, what exactly needed tidying in my shoe boxes above my cupboard? I didn't know shoes in boxes created mess'. Busted. Her response is that 'she cares', you are a liar and a nosy bitch I tell her.  I do not trust her at all, I give her nothing and she can drive herself mad with it. As a result of her snooping, I have come to carrying everything on me, letters, the diary and of course an online blog.  The game ends with me leaving, as I tell her ' have you achieved anything by saying what you have said?', 'well it's got it off my chest' she tells me, we both know this is nothing the treasure she wanted the prize as the end of this game we play has ended as it began full circle. A power struggle, a game she cannot win, a tug of war that she can only engage in for a limited time.

In this game of life that we all play, willingly or not, we all probably feel we have someone or something we need to defeat. I feel like the treatment centre, have one up on me, they are winning- I have not lost all the weight they put on me. Tey have planted doubt in my mind about whether i can eat and not gain weight or eat and lose weight. But as the local services told me ' weare not plants we cannot make our own food' , so 'out of nothing, nothing can be made'. I know that for the rest of my life I am going to try to lose this weight. Hoping to lose 4/5lbs this week, on a diet of 140-200 locals a day, restricting liquid to 1700mls. No weighing in until 5 days have passed, seeing no loss can be demotivating, frightening and discouraging. The scales use to be my best friend now they reveal a number that makes me feel at war with my body and the world. 

Now that, that rant is over I can get back to uni, so I went to the lecture it was fine, discussing female autonomy, how ironic? Next week is Alice in Wonderland, considering satiety, hunger and female consumption. Something that I am sure will be acutely uncomfortable for me. Maybe I will have a lot to say, having spent all of my life confused by female consumption and attitudes towards it,  and at least 5 years trying to ignore hunger. 

I guess my question is, do you have a turbulent relationship with your mother? Do you play similar games? Are you resentful or angry of putting their comfort and desires above your own?

Looking forward to hearing from you.

V

Xxx

Getting involved?

Getting involved

So, I think I really need some other endeavours other than just my 1 day at Uni. I have registered with a job agency for some part time work; but that really could take a while. Regardless I think keeping busy would be really good for me, the distraction from the nasty thoughts that are plaguing me would be really nice. 

So I emailed an amateur dramatics group in my area and I am waiting to hear back. I am kinda stuck with what other things I could do. I would volunteer but doing what? I live in Suburbia, so I am trying to think of other things I could do. 

I am not arty, but I would volunteer reading to the blind, or doing meals on wheels. Brownies guide? I mean I just don't know. How do I go about finding these things?

What about clubs that aren't philanthropic but are out there? 

When everything seems hidden, where do you even begin to look?

Any advice?

V X 

Return to Uni

Day 1- so I returned to uni and I am sitting in a busy coffee shop on campus as I write  this blog post, trying to blend in rather than feeling like one of the protagonists in the novels I read- out of place, insecure, uncertain?

My day didn't exactly start as planned, in fact it was a nightmare. I got up at 6am to make sure I left the house by 7am, to leave two hours to cover 28 miles on the M25- I hit solid traffic, and began questioning whether the universe was trying to tell me I shouldn't be going back to uni, if I missed the first lecture it would be a bad start and a bad start would mean a bad year. Fortunately I made it, only to discover that the lecture theatre had changed where my lecture was meant to be. Fantastic, as if walking in 5minutes late would help the entire blending in. Thankfully i I found it before the lecture had begun,  with a little help and settled down into the lecture room, regarding a tonne of faces of fresh faced students who I didn't know. 'liquid was amazing last night', 'James got with Claire', 'Marie is so upset', this meaningless chatter filled the room and I began to feel like the imposter in the room, amongst a sea of 20 year olds I felt like the student people look at and question 'Why are you still here?' . I do not know these people, I have no idea what they are talking about and a few 'who are you?' Made me feel sufficiently awkward.

It was weird, i am just going to say it, being in a lecture hall again. Weird not knowing anyone, not having graduated last year and weird because of the memories that the entire place evokes. I remind myself to stay calm, that this is good for me- it provides a focus away from home, food and the distractions of family life.

Out of the corner of my eye as I entered my lecture theatre, I noticed a girl, I used to know. She beckoned me over, 'sit with me' her eyes said. I sat down, I asked her I suppose the question that was on both our minds 'why didn't you graduate last year?'. Her answer was vague, cool, non committed- I could have been talking to a politician; 'I was Ill just a mixture of things really'. As an English student we are taught to read into the text, get beneath the surface, find the hidden meaning between the lines. Marriene's response had a clear meaning- I have said nothing and I am not going to, do not ask me why I wasn't here last year specifically because I don't want to tell you and if you're any polite, slightly aware human being you'll know what this answer means and leave it there. I nodded sympathetically, spieled off a similar response to my absence and the conversation regarding our lack of graduation got left there. See that's the thing we both knew the responses meant 'keep out this information is private property' but by saying nothing it was equally clear there was a sore spot that couldn't be ignored, despite the fake smiles and cover up. The harsh reality is, I knew she had had anorexia, I had suspected it when I saw her the second year, we both sat together and I couldn't help but wonder, is she an ex anorexic or still struggling? I guess I'll never know.

The lecture was interesting 'The Mill on The Floss' by George Eliot, it was a little de ja vu esque with the lecturer wearing the same clothes she wore last year, the same voice and giving the same lecture. The only thing that was different was me, I am different and not in a way that I am enjoying. Regardless I made good notes, and the lecture ended. 

I find myself free on campus until 1pm, when I have my seminar. So I figured out my wifi  for my iPad on campus, made a few extra lecture notes, brushed up on the novel I read a ear ago (lord knows I wasn't attempting 600 pages again for the sake of a recap. But it was as I started the crossword puzzle I began to see that words and meanings and places would never leave me. 16 across 8 letter word 'someone who does not fit it'- IMPOSTER, 5 down, ' 10 letter word something that is not finished- INCOMPLETE, 9 across 5 letter word, someone who has recovered from an illness 'CURED'- did the crossword want to be anymore ironic? And as I was sitting there with the feelings that this disease is who I am, always with me, reminded by everything. The phone rang. The local services want to see me. I ask myself can I ever get a break from the constant reminders? 

Anyways, so i sit down to write this blog post, when a voice interrupts my thoughts 'What are you writing?', I look up, the guy sitting across the table from me clearly as noticed my ferocious typing. He's good looking, my type, speaks well.  'Nothing really just some notes', a lie but I figure he doesn't need to know the truth. 'HI my name is V, I am anorexic and I have taken the year off uni last year as a result and I am writing a blog post about my return to uni', yeah the truth had about the same appeal Henry James novel 'What Maisie knew' will have for me in a couple of weeks on my course- None. So we got chatting and again the subject came up of how I should have graduated last year but didn't, I left it at ' I was I'll, but he clearly wanted to know why, thank god he didn't have the audacity to ask with what? He's in his fourth year, content and well put together. He asks for my number and adds me on Facebook, maybe there could be something. I don't know.

It's midday here now and the coffee shop has been invaded by a swarm of people wanting to eat lunch, the smell of cooking fills the air made worse by the guy next to me who clearly has never heard of table manners as he speaks and eats with his mouth open simultaneously making the noise that I hate when people are eating- chewing but not like normal chewing the chewing that everyone hears and thinks is inappropriate and grating but no one says anything. 

Anyways my seminar is 1-2pm, and then I am off home. I should be home by 3pm in time for some soup (my food for the day). I am hoping like Stoptober instead of quitting smoking, I can quit eating, stick to my diet plan,  and weigh myself on Friday to see some fabulous weight loss. 

I need to go into town and get some make up after that, and I'll catch myself up for next week in terms of notes and novels to read. I haven't got much planned for the week but I need to. Perhaps I'll hear from the employ,net agency I registered for some part time work. A little bit of money on the side never hurt, particularly student living in London- talk about expensive!

So I leave this blog post for now with a few questions

Have you ever met someone like I did and knew there was that infinite underlying issue of 'ask but I won't tell?' As I did with Marriene today? I guess I want to know how did we all become fluent In the social code of I say one thing but communicate another?

Just a few thoughts, off to deliberate determinism now.

Xxx V xxx

Revelations, revulsion and resistance

Revelations, revulsion, and resistance 

Revulsion 

So, I have had a few problems getting online my Internet has been rubbish and the connection failing but I finally think it is sorted :) 

This week despite my efforts things have not gone well (at least I am being honest), I was completely triggered by the revelation of my period; since leaving treatment and losing some weight I haven't had one in about 4 months. I haven't gained weight, so I don't know why it decided to rock up and rain on my parade this week. Thank you mother nature for reminding me I am a fat cow dripping in flesh, bmi 13.7. As you can probably see, this did not go down well. 

I tell myself in some measure this must be a good thing, because it does in a twisted way answer some of my unanswered questions.

Revelations 

I thought I must have no maintenance level as I was continuously b/p many times a day for months, because I believed I was getting rid of all i was eating. This can't be true because my body would presumably 

1) not be able to survive on nothing and therefore lose weight and eventually die.

2) not  be capable of having a period as if it was truly surviving on nothing it would not lose blood and iron through a non necessary process to survival e.g. Menstruation. 

3) my potassium and hydration levels can't be terrible or even that bad, as when they are I don't have a period, why would your body lose liquid voluntarily if it didn't have the reserves to do so? (I take Sando K and drink 2.5-3 litres of fluid a day). 

4) I am therefore in a position to eat, keep food down and lose weight.

I desperately want to stop but as discussed in my previous post, fear holds me back, even if the logic is utterly twisted. 

For example, I think 'I can't eat anything without gaining weight, I'll never be able to lose weight, might as well therefore stuff my face and b/p'. 

I keep reminding myself this makes no sense as I do the very thing that scares me shitless, I eat and limbo into the world between starvation and stuffing. Not safe and not a place to be. 

Anyway it's usually a combination of physical hunger and emotional anger or sadness or even fear that makes me b/p. I tell myself it's important that I do things a different way, to see if I lose weight, scratch that, to see how much weight I will lose.

Resistance

In order to do this I need to keep busy, when I am busy I have less time to be. Around food, anxious or agitated by the past and my present state. 

today's tactics are to

1) Lay in until late.

2) Go and get my nails done at 11:30am , which means leaving home at 11am

3) Going to the pottery cafe for a few hours In the afternoon.

4) Going for a walk near the open green, if I am not in agony with my period.

5) buying stationary for my return to uni on Monday.

6) making a motivation/dream board.

7) watching tv on iPad

8) watching a movie

9) watching strictly come dancing in the evening

10) giving myself a facial

11) having a really hot bath

12) taking Valium before bed.

Getting Honest

So, I have not been in a good space lately, and so therefore have not been online. I decided to write this post to literally purge (pardon the pun) the honesty and the feelings that are poisoning my system. Hopefully with this detox of negative feelings i'll be able to start a new chapter in my book of anorexia and my eating disorder, this current paragraph of my life is much like a Henry James novel- getting boring, repetitive and monotonous (no offence to any Henry James fans, he is not my cup of tea, I like mine with soya light or almond milk not the full fat cream that is the headache of his novels).. Like his novels come round full circle to the same questions much do my own thoughts inside my head.

The other day I felt really low, in fact I would say suicidal. See that's what treatment has done to me fucked with my mind, screwed with my ability to trust and diminished my desire to live in a wretched body that I am  scared I cannot change.

Horrid thoughts run through my head like a punishing cycle. My mind looks back to the a time when I was happy with my weight, about 1/2 a stone ago. I felt comfortable, I was calm, and I was eating, (not much, but earing all the same). Since leaving treatment I got caught up in a b/p cycle which I now am trying to break. A few months ago after having 3litres of fluid pumped into me through IV I gained 6lbs, it was at that point I wanted to die. I have not lost much really from the b/p cycle I have been in, since this massive level of rehydration took place maybe a killo and a bit. I always rehydrate properly, take Sando K, and my weight has pretty much remained within a bracket of 1lb.

The whole rehydration thing mentally mucks about in my mind, it has confused me into thinking when I purge I get everything up, (there have been times In The morning where I have weighed myself before and after and been the same weight) in my view I took this as evidence to be that I got everything up when I purge, but that must be untrue, because if that were the case surely I would lose rapid weight right? Also if i was getting up everything my body would surely be cold because it would have  nothing in the system, to keep me warm and I am a normal body temperature. Do i have a maintenance level or do i not have one at all? i tell myself i am human that all human beings  have a maintenance level, that every human being is capable of gaining, losing and maintaining their weight. However the terror of the questions and the potential unimaginably horrible answers they could hold simultaneously  suspend me from trying to break into some kind of cycle of non purging. But it is something I desperately want.

Ironically I can restrict, I am capable of it, but my anorexia screamed at me after eating only 250 kcals, for the entire day and remaining the same weight the next morning. It made me think that I cannot lose weight, that I will be the first human being alive to have something wrong with their metabolism, even writing this makes me feel sick, and I pray that it is untrue. I tell myself when I was losing weight, I had to wait a few days to see weight loss 4/5 days in fact. I only ever lost over night if I had binged the day before that and the fasted all day because I assume what I was getting off there was heightened glycogen and water levels but this is different, shedding g real weight means that the odd has to perform a complicated process to lose it. So as a result of this fear I have decided to stay away from the scales u it, I have completed 4/5 days of my 140-200kal diet. I tell myself I will after a few days lose on this, if I didn't then It would be like suggesting That someone could physically starve me but I wold be unaffected by he denial of energy put into my body- I tell myself this is nonsense- out of nothing, nothing can be made. However the Intrusive thoughts don't help and when they take over for some reason my mind goes to b/p, sometimes out of hunger, other times out of fear (as if putting in food will help in the slightest with my fear of maintaining/gaining weight even if I utterly starve myself).

It boils down to a fear of failing at something I use to be good at, something that made me happy, and I guess the question that lays ultimately on my mind is 'what will I do if starvation doesn't make me lose weight, how will I live with myself then if I cannot change the thing that makes me want to die?'

Anyways now that the thoughts are out hopefully because they have no living space in my head anymore and exist in the forum of cyber space they can disintegrate as irrational fears that will not be my  reality.

I have decided to not give in, to start small to keep down what I know I can which is a plan of 140kcals a day, which I hope will also make me lose weight. I'll be taking Sando K and drinking 1500-1800mls fluid a day. 

I made a spider diagram and ideas to keep busy to not allow the intrusive thoughts in. 

I hereby renounce purging, and you all are my witnesses'. It no longer exists in my state of being, I got sucked Into a black whole but slowly I am climbing back out and hopefully at the end of the tunnel I will see the light, along with some nice weight loss to make me smile. Something I haven't done in quite a while.

Taking back control, the power lies with me, if I want something I will get it and weight loss and banishing purging is top of my agenda. 

Going to be blogging everyday I need that space to just write out the toxins out of me, reach out, have some comments from my readership.

I guess what I would be grateful to known is, can anyone reassure my fears? If I eat that little, I will lose weight right? When you lose weight does it take a few days to see a result?

Reaching out, all responses welcome.

V xxx

The Big Roller coaster of a Birthday

The Birthday Roller coaster

So for the last 4 days have been shit. Friday was okay, good in fact but then it all went downhill from there. I do well until the evening then I just get hungry and I am off-whoosh

Today is my Birthday and I am emotionally triggered by it, this time last year I went to the ritz with friends for afternoon tea, I was my Goal weight and happy. This year after forced treatment I am not my goal, I am heavier. I feel depressed and I have decided to not celebrate my Birthday- give me a slice of failure cake because I feel lie the biggest fake alive. I know it is less than 1/2 a stone to lose but I am still trying to figure out, if the weight I am now after a 3litre potassium infusion and a 6lb weight gain is my 'real weight'. Or will I gain regardless of what I eat? I tell myself some logical facts (that I pray apply to me)

1) out of nothing, nothing can be made- if i don't put it in, and am in Ketosis,then surely I can't gain or even maintain.

2) I drink 2 litres of liquid a day sometimes and my weight didn't change- if it was goi g to hang onto liquid wouldn't that have shown up on the scale?

3) if my metabolic rate was slow or I was severely dehydrated surely I would be very cold, bloating out whenever eating and showing signs of dehydration. When I first went Into treatment, I was freezing, blacking out, with constant cramp (my potassium level was 1.2 and I hadn't drunk liquid for a week). I am experiencing none if these symptoms, I take Sando K now after every episode and drink 1-2litres of water depending in how bad things were. So I feel if I do lose fluids that I am replenishing them?

I tell myself I owe it to myself to try this for a week to see how I fare with it. It would be good to see that I can lose weight, if I don't eat. My tally on Friday was 138kcal. I didn't lose weight the next day which sent anxiety through my body. But if I did it for a week, surely my maintenance level is not that low? When I was 5st10 (non dehydrated weight), I use to be able to eat 1,000 cals a day and maintain. Now the idea of that freaks me out, I mainly want to know if my weight is correct in terms of hydration and I have no way of fully telling this.

Today has not gone well, I got up looked in the mirror, cried, went back to bed. My two best friends from uni seem to have forgotten my Birthday, and I am left hating myself. 

My 22nd birthday will be filled with prising myself out of bed, attempting not to binge again today, taking my CV to an employment agency for part time work and buying some sando K, in whatever chemist will sell a pack.

However I am determined for my 22nd to turn over a new leaf, to follow through with my plans and not let fear get in my way.

Xxx

Triumphs

Small Triumphs

So today was a small triumph for me! After spending all of yesterday in a massively triggered cycle at home worse than usual, with b/p. Today I actually didn't b/p at all, ignored the triggers and conquered the controlling, frightening, thoughts that plagued my mind,about me being a 'freak of nature' who is unable to lose weight regardless of what they eat. Consequentially, this usually leads to a 'fuck it' mentality. 

I am trying to lose weight in time for my Birthday on Tuesday. My ED and i are both frightened and furious at the idea of being heavier than last year when I turned 21, even if I have been in forced treatment for the past six months.

The less I eat the less triggered I am, the calmer I feel, the less agitated and angry. So today I ate a can of weight watchers soup, chewed three packs of gum (added up the calories for the gum and drinks), drank Pepsi max, 2 x 600 mls, ( I love that stuff!) and drank some water.  I was worried I would be hungry, I am not, I don't feel anything other than a sense of calm. My parents have been busy working today so I was able to get the food police off of my back.

What really helped to break the cycle was for me to just focus on today, not tomorrow or next week. I told myself this is my plan for today- I think that way it is less overwhelming. The evenings are usually a bad time for me when hunger can take over but today was fine, I relaxed in the bath, gave myself a facial and did my nails. Then watched some tv and now here I am blogging. I hope I can keep this up.

Tomorrow, I am going up to Lincolnshire to see a doll faced (not squished in face) persian kitten, who we might be getting; from the same breeder my cat is from. My cat lost his sister a few years ago, she lived with us and died due to a haemorrhage it was so sad :( we all miss her everyday, and my cat is lonely so we think this new addition may help. I must admit having something to love and care for sounds great to me. My cat being very attached to my mum, I don't often get a look in on his love! Anyways so up there tomorrow, the drive will be three hours each way, we'll visit the kitten (too young to leave his mummy ATM), drive home and then I am going to the cinema in the evening. A busy day which is good for me, and one which i hope will allow me to stick to the same meal plan as today. 

When I am in severe restriction mode I weigh myself in the morning and evening, (I did this today, and i was the same both from morning to evening!) but from losing weight before I know I can feel triggered and frightened by thoughts if i don't see any changes to the scale, the next day; so i have to remind myself that Usually for me it takes 4-5 days to see weight loss, is anyone else like this????

Anyways tomorrow, seeing as I will be in the car for six hours I thought this gives me a good chance to catch up on my reading for my English Lit third year course at Uni. So hopefully tomorrow will be productive.

I hope someone can answer my question above, and I would love to hear about others experiences over the week. Have you made any small triumphs happen? I await to hear from you. Wishing you all well.

Sweet dreams.

V

Xxx