Forgive? can we, do we, should we?
I have been for many months after forced treatment in a punishment cycle that my mind can't seem to resolve. I hate myself for putting on weight I didn't want, and in order to serve my anorexia I left twice but was promptly brought back under threat of a section.
The ghosts and memories of treatment haunt me, I should have fought harder, I should have found a way to keep out of hospital, at best- I should have lost the weight by now. Despite not being the weight I was when I was in treatment (1/2 a stone lighter), I am not satisfied. I want to be 1/2 a stone lighter to feel more normal, and ultimately a stone lighter than I am now- I would settle for 1/2 a stone off for now though.
Because my parents have become watch dogs when it comes to myself and food that has triggered the b/p part of my illness out of sheer desperation. I find I cannot forgive myself for this and my guilt and shame of being unable to lose the weight I want and the b/p cycle makes me feel not only a failure to my anorexia but a failure to myself.
Not only am I furious with myself, my inability to forgive my parents has meant that our relationship is strained, I am livid with them, they thought they were doing the best for me but all it has actually done is triggered a compensatory measure- yes I am eating more now than I was, but I have to do something about it. 'Why are you miserable?', 'You never look happy', and 'What's wrong with you?' Are comments often directed towards me in my home. I would like to answer 'because you have destroyed me, I don't know who I am anymore, you have destroyed the one part of me that made me feel like me, that I was comfortable with, now I want to commit suicide every time I look in the
mirror'.
My family trigger my b/p part of the illness, I hate myself for that. I find it hard to be at home and not b/p because of them. There comments, and view that I am the drag to their perfect family hurts. My parents have always favoured my twin brother that's just the way the non fat, gluten free, sugarless, cookie crumbles. My friends have commented on it, my parents ignore that the issue exists, my brother enjoys it. I accept the situation for what it is, it has always been that way but it doesn't mean I like it. I want to forgive my parents for this, but the problem is how can I forgive for the doings of the past when it still plagues me in the present? My parents behaviour and views won't change despite me discussing it with them. It's not really a discussion when you get called an ungrateful, jealous, spiteful bitch, but all the same the issue gets raised.
I want to forgive my brother, for milking the favouritism of our parents, for saying he wishes I would just hurry up and die, that he wants me sectioned to get rid of me to relieve the unhappiness in our
home, for saying that their lives are better when I am not present. He meant all of those things and
has never apologised to me. I can assure you if the roles were reversed I would not have been treated the same.
I am angry with my Consultant- she put me through hell, two mental health assessments and a parting gift of another should I not 'comply' with local services. She saw me begging her not to make me put on more weight when I was stable, to let me go home and manage- she knew I was a long term anorexic yet she simply replied ' I can't do that V, you'll just have to get use to your new weight'. I
hadn't been 6st7 since I was 17, but she would not compromise. 'Bmi 15, has to be reached in an inpatient facility, as condition for you remaining a voluntary patient, if you choose to ignore me, we'll have to do things more formally'. I don't want to forgive her, but I want to forget. But every time I look at my body I see her craftsmanship, her handiwork.
I guess the question that lays in my mind is, how do we forgive ourselves, when we feel that the thing we have done is not forgivable?
I feel as though it's important for me to forgive myself, to get some closure, but there are some things that can never be taken back. I can't take back the 6 months I spent in an inpatient facility, I can't remove the things that have been said to me and are engraved in my memory and I especially can't forgive myself for the weight gain that I so desperately didn't want.
I want to forgive, but when you can't forget, how is that possible?
Do you find it hard to forgive yourself? If you found a way to do it, how did you?
I look forward to hearing from someone.
Take care of you.
V
xxx
