The Nightmare of the last twenty four hours
Things have not been good, I'm physically tired and emotionally exhausted. I went after having a blow out argument with my mum to stay at my Nan's for a while, the lack of emotional triggers calmed me and I wasn't made to feel like a burden in my own home. My mother uses my ED as an excuse to find fault in all I do, she has shouted at me, slapped me, destroyed my property- all an attempt to make herself feel better and me feel worse for 'bringing shame on the family' by having an ED and not getting full swing into recovery mode.
I hate her for making me go into treatment, I resent her for not listening to me when I said I could do no more weight gain, and I am furious at her for always assuming I developed an ED to spite her. She doesn't understand my ED and I are inevitably intertwined in a bond stronger than marriage. It is not done with me and I am not done with it. We are not two separate parts, over time we have become one. I know who I am and I am not happy without my eating disorder, despite at times being miserable with it.
Anyway, so after having b/p sessions quite regularly, due to my mind set telling me I can eat nothing and maintain my weight let alone lose, getting away gave me a chance to eat the food that I felt comfortable with and not b/p. I figure it's better for me to eat very little and learn to be comfortable with the feeling as opposed to pushing too far and encountering the thought that spreads like wildfire through my mind that the food I have eaten is going to make me gain weight, I will get fat, and fat is a fate worse than death for me.
So I get a day to myself with my regime, I feel okay but then my mother storms over demanding to know what I have eaten, I ask her to leave, that I don't need the emotional stress. She would not leave, she shouted at me, pulled my hair, and threw me to the floor, my Nan intervened and got into a dispute with my mother. My mother then called my Uncle, who has chosen not to see me since my revelation that I refuse to go any further with treatment. He comes over and tells me I must leave with my mother, that I am not trying hard enough-that if I wanted to I could fight harder and give the family what they want. Clearly he and my mother are clueless about EDs. So I was forced to leave, I cried all the way home. My mother threw away all my soups, so the b/p cycle started again.
Trying to get back on the wagon tomorrow, I need to follow my plan for a week to see what happens to my weight. I want so desperately to be 5 1/2 stone for my birthday on the 10th September. I am at work tomorrow 9:30-5:30pm so that helps. I have bought some soup, so I will have that tomorrow and have soup at lunch. Then when I finish I will go over to my Nan's house and have my soup there and watch a movie with her. Both of us could do with a bit of love after today. That way I am out of the house and away from my family.
My mother and I aren't a speaking- she thinks it will punish me, but the silence is golden. The shouting had caused a headache to spread all across my forehead. I hope this quietness continues.
My mind is buzzing with today.
Please God let things go to plan tomorrow, please let me lose weight, please let me be able to eat and still lose weight. Please, I can't bear anymore knock downs. I am so miserable I this repulsive vessel that is my body.
Sending love, hope and happiness to you all.
Any comments are always nice.
Xxx
