So after a TERRIBLE Sunday, I decided that I needed to sort my week out, so I made a plan for the week. I couldn't sleep knowing that i needed a structural plan in place. So my diary now has my days planned in it With all the things I need to do like:
1) Stick to diet plan- most important, I feel like I have been in a shame cycle, being pushed and manipulated by others into behaviour that categorically isn't me. I am on a 250ish calorie diet this week. In order to get comfortable with food in the system again, even if it is weight watcher's soup, 3 cans a day (there tomato is really good).
2) Finish my novel for the week for my course, I just recently completed 'The woman Warrior' by Maxine Hong Kong Kingston. I am now onto 'My Antonia' by Willa Cather.
3) Avoid the scales until Friday/Saturday. When I stuck to the plan for one day and saw no weight loss my mind started over thinking, and felt like it was about to self combust with worry that I wouldn't lose any weight. Proper weight loss I tell myself has to be seen over days rather than one, the calorie deficit needs to be processed by the body and this takes more than a day. By avoiding the scales I'll be keeping myself safe from giving up hope and being in agony all day as a consequence.
4) Listen to my stress tape 'Overcoming Anxiety and Panic Attacks', everyday when in a situation where I feel the rising anxiety. It's a great CD, taking 45 minutes to reduce stress. '
By making plans for each day with times, people and places scheduled I feel like I am in control and have a relatively solid plan for success. The theory behind writing the plan as if you know how every moment will go , is that you are acting as though you have achieved the success you want already and by having the will to believe it will happen, you cause the thing that was potential to become realised and therefore your reality- (little bit of William James and Aristotle in the mix).
It's 2am now so I am going to bed. Determined to make this week succeed. Sweet dreams.
Do you ever make plans for the week? If so have you found them helpful?
Xxxx
Sunday, 25 August 2013
Crazy crappy life
I am sitting here on my bed, beating myself up about food, this is a regular occurrence.
Food is evil. Food is revolting, you are revolting. You shouldn't have eaten that, you have no self control. People will think you are lazy, greedy, Undisciplined- out of control. This is a comtnual dialogue that passes through my mind when eating but sets in at its heaviest after eating has finished.
The word fat, runs through my mind like a dirty word,the ultimate taboo,to me being fat is a sentence akin with death. One of the things I learnt in CBT,in treatment was that the individual will resist any form of action associated with the consequence of social rejection, as evolution saw humans living in a society, to be rejected was to die as without a group for support to provide shelter, comfort and protection a human being would perish. Well for someone with anorexia, being fat is aquatinted with the same level of social suicide perceived by our ancestors.
I would agree with the statement above and apply it to myself. When I was In treatment I attempted to leave (but was dragged back 3 times) because I felt that I was in a dangerous and threatening situation that was going to ruin me, and to some degree i believe it has.
I was forced to face a reality of weight gain before I was ready and I hate myself and my body for it. This has led to parents being on my case which has caused the b/p cycle everyday. I feel like a fraud and a fake because if I could I would restrict and see If I would lose weight. I desperately want to lose half a stone.
To add insult to injury I went to a party last night, (getting dressed when every piece of your body repulses you is a nightmare), I felt like an unworthy piece of crap walking in. Then to make an even more uncomfortable situation even more difficult, the mother of the girl who was hosting the party made a bee line for me and said
My whole demeaner sank, 1) she had commented in my weight gain- which I already felt horrific about, I beat myself up about, and cry about.
2) I don't feel recovered or normal, and she looked at me and decided that my bmi of 13.6, a massive increase from 11.7, means that I am normal. It's set my mind into a frenzy about how I must be someone who medically has to have a Lower bmi than normal people (18.5-25) to look normal. Therefore I must look at bmi 13.6 much bigger than a normal person would at that bmi and I therefore must look at least 5 bmi points heavier than I am.
3) Thirdly it wasn't my choice to put on the weight I wouldn't have done it out of choice, I hated every 1lb that went on and every person who did it to me. What I wanted to say to her was, actually I left and was told if I left again I would be sectioned under the mental health act where they can force all treatment on you whether you like it or not, so i did it because I had no choice and I still have little choice now with my parents at home and the local services constantly on my back and GP applying the same pressure.
The party was a dinner party, I hadn't wanted to go because of the food, and eating in front of people but mainly the concern that if I ate it I would put on weight. But it was one of my best friends 21st birthday parties ,so I went. I didn't manage to eat any food but just pushed the food around the plate. The comments didn't help, I just wanted to crawl into a hole and die.
Anyone else experience the comments of others, that have impacted them as they did me? Today I am in my room hiding and wishing the whurling thoughts that spread throughout my mind would die. Telling myself Monday is a new day and that I can get myself together. I will lose weight, I won't b/p. I will reach my goal weight by my Birthday, 2 weeks and I REFUSE to be heavier than I was last year in my Birthday.
Any comments totally welcome!
Xxxxx
Food is evil. Food is revolting, you are revolting. You shouldn't have eaten that, you have no self control. People will think you are lazy, greedy, Undisciplined- out of control. This is a comtnual dialogue that passes through my mind when eating but sets in at its heaviest after eating has finished.
The word fat, runs through my mind like a dirty word,the ultimate taboo,to me being fat is a sentence akin with death. One of the things I learnt in CBT,in treatment was that the individual will resist any form of action associated with the consequence of social rejection, as evolution saw humans living in a society, to be rejected was to die as without a group for support to provide shelter, comfort and protection a human being would perish. Well for someone with anorexia, being fat is aquatinted with the same level of social suicide perceived by our ancestors.
I would agree with the statement above and apply it to myself. When I was In treatment I attempted to leave (but was dragged back 3 times) because I felt that I was in a dangerous and threatening situation that was going to ruin me, and to some degree i believe it has.
I was forced to face a reality of weight gain before I was ready and I hate myself and my body for it. This has led to parents being on my case which has caused the b/p cycle everyday. I feel like a fraud and a fake because if I could I would restrict and see If I would lose weight. I desperately want to lose half a stone.
To add insult to injury I went to a party last night, (getting dressed when every piece of your body repulses you is a nightmare), I felt like an unworthy piece of crap walking in. Then to make an even more uncomfortable situation even more difficult, the mother of the girl who was hosting the party made a bee line for me and said
' It's so good to see you (she saw me just before I went I to treatment at a bmi of 11.7) you have put on so much weight since I saw you last, your parents must be so pleased you have recovered, well done for making the choice to put on the weight, doesn't it feel good to be normal?'.
My whole demeaner sank, 1) she had commented in my weight gain- which I already felt horrific about, I beat myself up about, and cry about.
2) I don't feel recovered or normal, and she looked at me and decided that my bmi of 13.6, a massive increase from 11.7, means that I am normal. It's set my mind into a frenzy about how I must be someone who medically has to have a Lower bmi than normal people (18.5-25) to look normal. Therefore I must look at bmi 13.6 much bigger than a normal person would at that bmi and I therefore must look at least 5 bmi points heavier than I am.
3) Thirdly it wasn't my choice to put on the weight I wouldn't have done it out of choice, I hated every 1lb that went on and every person who did it to me. What I wanted to say to her was, actually I left and was told if I left again I would be sectioned under the mental health act where they can force all treatment on you whether you like it or not, so i did it because I had no choice and I still have little choice now with my parents at home and the local services constantly on my back and GP applying the same pressure.
The party was a dinner party, I hadn't wanted to go because of the food, and eating in front of people but mainly the concern that if I ate it I would put on weight. But it was one of my best friends 21st birthday parties ,so I went. I didn't manage to eat any food but just pushed the food around the plate. The comments didn't help, I just wanted to crawl into a hole and die.
Anyone else experience the comments of others, that have impacted them as they did me? Today I am in my room hiding and wishing the whurling thoughts that spread throughout my mind would die. Telling myself Monday is a new day and that I can get myself together. I will lose weight, I won't b/p. I will reach my goal weight by my Birthday, 2 weeks and I REFUSE to be heavier than I was last year in my Birthday.
Any comments totally welcome!
Xxxxx
Thursday, 22 August 2013
Feeling depressed
The Nightmare of the last twenty four hours
Things have not been good, I'm physically tired and emotionally exhausted. I went after having a blow out argument with my mum to stay at my Nan's for a while, the lack of emotional triggers calmed me and I wasn't made to feel like a burden in my own home. My mother uses my ED as an excuse to find fault in all I do, she has shouted at me, slapped me, destroyed my property- all an attempt to make herself feel better and me feel worse for 'bringing shame on the family' by having an ED and not getting full swing into recovery mode.
I hate her for making me go into treatment, I resent her for not listening to me when I said I could do no more weight gain, and I am furious at her for always assuming I developed an ED to spite her. She doesn't understand my ED and I are inevitably intertwined in a bond stronger than marriage. It is not done with me and I am not done with it. We are not two separate parts, over time we have become one. I know who I am and I am not happy without my eating disorder, despite at times being miserable with it.
Anyway, so after having b/p sessions quite regularly, due to my mind set telling me I can eat nothing and maintain my weight let alone lose, getting away gave me a chance to eat the food that I felt comfortable with and not b/p. I figure it's better for me to eat very little and learn to be comfortable with the feeling as opposed to pushing too far and encountering the thought that spreads like wildfire through my mind that the food I have eaten is going to make me gain weight, I will get fat, and fat is a fate worse than death for me.
So I get a day to myself with my regime, I feel okay but then my mother storms over demanding to know what I have eaten, I ask her to leave, that I don't need the emotional stress. She would not leave, she shouted at me, pulled my hair, and threw me to the floor, my Nan intervened and got into a dispute with my mother. My mother then called my Uncle, who has chosen not to see me since my revelation that I refuse to go any further with treatment. He comes over and tells me I must leave with my mother, that I am not trying hard enough-that if I wanted to I could fight harder and give the family what they want. Clearly he and my mother are clueless about EDs. So I was forced to leave, I cried all the way home. My mother threw away all my soups, so the b/p cycle started again.
Trying to get back on the wagon tomorrow, I need to follow my plan for a week to see what happens to my weight. I want so desperately to be 5 1/2 stone for my birthday on the 10th September. I am at work tomorrow 9:30-5:30pm so that helps. I have bought some soup, so I will have that tomorrow and have soup at lunch. Then when I finish I will go over to my Nan's house and have my soup there and watch a movie with her. Both of us could do with a bit of love after today. That way I am out of the house and away from my family.
My mother and I aren't a speaking- she thinks it will punish me, but the silence is golden. The shouting had caused a headache to spread all across my forehead. I hope this quietness continues.
My mind is buzzing with today.
Please God let things go to plan tomorrow, please let me lose weight, please let me be able to eat and still lose weight. Please, I can't bear anymore knock downs. I am so miserable I this repulsive vessel that is my body.
Sending love, hope and happiness to you all.
Any comments are always nice.
Xxx
Things have not been good, I'm physically tired and emotionally exhausted. I went after having a blow out argument with my mum to stay at my Nan's for a while, the lack of emotional triggers calmed me and I wasn't made to feel like a burden in my own home. My mother uses my ED as an excuse to find fault in all I do, she has shouted at me, slapped me, destroyed my property- all an attempt to make herself feel better and me feel worse for 'bringing shame on the family' by having an ED and not getting full swing into recovery mode.
I hate her for making me go into treatment, I resent her for not listening to me when I said I could do no more weight gain, and I am furious at her for always assuming I developed an ED to spite her. She doesn't understand my ED and I are inevitably intertwined in a bond stronger than marriage. It is not done with me and I am not done with it. We are not two separate parts, over time we have become one. I know who I am and I am not happy without my eating disorder, despite at times being miserable with it.
Anyway, so after having b/p sessions quite regularly, due to my mind set telling me I can eat nothing and maintain my weight let alone lose, getting away gave me a chance to eat the food that I felt comfortable with and not b/p. I figure it's better for me to eat very little and learn to be comfortable with the feeling as opposed to pushing too far and encountering the thought that spreads like wildfire through my mind that the food I have eaten is going to make me gain weight, I will get fat, and fat is a fate worse than death for me.
So I get a day to myself with my regime, I feel okay but then my mother storms over demanding to know what I have eaten, I ask her to leave, that I don't need the emotional stress. She would not leave, she shouted at me, pulled my hair, and threw me to the floor, my Nan intervened and got into a dispute with my mother. My mother then called my Uncle, who has chosen not to see me since my revelation that I refuse to go any further with treatment. He comes over and tells me I must leave with my mother, that I am not trying hard enough-that if I wanted to I could fight harder and give the family what they want. Clearly he and my mother are clueless about EDs. So I was forced to leave, I cried all the way home. My mother threw away all my soups, so the b/p cycle started again.
Trying to get back on the wagon tomorrow, I need to follow my plan for a week to see what happens to my weight. I want so desperately to be 5 1/2 stone for my birthday on the 10th September. I am at work tomorrow 9:30-5:30pm so that helps. I have bought some soup, so I will have that tomorrow and have soup at lunch. Then when I finish I will go over to my Nan's house and have my soup there and watch a movie with her. Both of us could do with a bit of love after today. That way I am out of the house and away from my family.
My mother and I aren't a speaking- she thinks it will punish me, but the silence is golden. The shouting had caused a headache to spread all across my forehead. I hope this quietness continues.
My mind is buzzing with today.
Please God let things go to plan tomorrow, please let me lose weight, please let me be able to eat and still lose weight. Please, I can't bear anymore knock downs. I am so miserable I this repulsive vessel that is my body.
Sending love, hope and happiness to you all.
Any comments are always nice.
Xxx
Sunday, 18 August 2013
Worries
So the local services have been in touch I have to see them once a week. I am scared, scared because I can't admit to b/p part of my illness- I am scared that I won't be able to lose weight again, that my body won't do it, that there is something inherently wrong with me.
I am scared that if I stick to plan, I won't see results. My mind tells me I can't eat anything and not gain weight, that I have no metabolic set point, that I will be the first person to be the biggest freak on the planet who defies nature because I am that disgusting. See that's the thing with my eating disorder it tells me that I am an anomali to the human race,that every other human being can apply to the same logic except myself, not because I am special but because I am a failure. A failure that will be found out, sooner or later. I have had lots of experience being the outsider, being different, being afraid the worst will happen and watching it unfold. I am angry, scared and hate myself.
I am scared for another potassium infusion, I am taking sando-k, up to 16 tablets a day
And always replacing the fluids I lose, I drink at least 2.5litres after an episode, I am scared that if I have to go through another 3 litre drip I will gain weight. This worry unfortunately triggers b/p cycle, and self hatred sets in even more.
Tomorrow I will stick to my plan, I have done it twice this week which is better than nothing at all. If I restrict I am okay, if I start badly I have no idea how to recover the day, it's bad and that's that, middle ground does not work in my mind. Good. Bad. Pick a side and stay there.
After one day of restricting I saw no weightless and started to panic, thinking this would be what my body decided to do for the entire week. I told myself weight loss is not achieved in a day, and that I had to do it for 5-7 days to see a result, if I can gain weight I tell myself I must be able to lose aswell.
I am suppose to be going for a blood test- I don't want to go, despite taking Sando K, I am scared it will be low again, then the service will question why and I don't want them to know, I don't want to go to the appointment on Wednesday at the service. I am going to find some excuse to not go, I have already used holiday as an excuse, I need to find another.
The biggest regret I have is being forced into inpatient treatment, I often think death would have been an easier solution, this kind of misery is indescribable, like a moral rape, I feel violated, dirty and constantly living with the consequences.
I am scared that if I stick to plan, I won't see results. My mind tells me I can't eat anything and not gain weight, that I have no metabolic set point, that I will be the first person to be the biggest freak on the planet who defies nature because I am that disgusting. See that's the thing with my eating disorder it tells me that I am an anomali to the human race,that every other human being can apply to the same logic except myself, not because I am special but because I am a failure. A failure that will be found out, sooner or later. I have had lots of experience being the outsider, being different, being afraid the worst will happen and watching it unfold. I am angry, scared and hate myself.
I am scared for another potassium infusion, I am taking sando-k, up to 16 tablets a day
And always replacing the fluids I lose, I drink at least 2.5litres after an episode, I am scared that if I have to go through another 3 litre drip I will gain weight. This worry unfortunately triggers b/p cycle, and self hatred sets in even more.
Tomorrow I will stick to my plan, I have done it twice this week which is better than nothing at all. If I restrict I am okay, if I start badly I have no idea how to recover the day, it's bad and that's that, middle ground does not work in my mind. Good. Bad. Pick a side and stay there.
After one day of restricting I saw no weightless and started to panic, thinking this would be what my body decided to do for the entire week. I told myself weight loss is not achieved in a day, and that I had to do it for 5-7 days to see a result, if I can gain weight I tell myself I must be able to lose aswell.
I am suppose to be going for a blood test- I don't want to go, despite taking Sando K, I am scared it will be low again, then the service will question why and I don't want them to know, I don't want to go to the appointment on Wednesday at the service. I am going to find some excuse to not go, I have already used holiday as an excuse, I need to find another.
The biggest regret I have is being forced into inpatient treatment, I often think death would have been an easier solution, this kind of misery is indescribable, like a moral rape, I feel violated, dirty and constantly living with the consequences.
Saturday, 13 July 2013
Decisions
So I have decided that there are way too many emotional triggers at home that are stoping me from losing the six pound nightmare that happened to me over the last 48 hours. The transfusions were awful, and I am so unhappy. Finding it hard to get dressed this morning as a consequence of the weight gain. I have cried three times today about it. More like sobbed. The emotional exertion made me so tired I fell asleep. I am very depressed.
So from Monday, I am going to my Nanny's house- away from the emotional crap and all the food at home that keeps being shoved in my face by my parents.
I am going for 1 week, I will take my reading with me, I am currently finishing 'Good wives' by Louisa May Alcott. I am also going to take my stress tapes with me, both 'The Secret' and also Paul McKenna reducing stress and Anxiety. I will also work on a massive motivation project board, this will give me something to do with my hands and a focus. I will not be on Facebook, i sometimes think its good to have a break from social media sites and reduce interaction with the outside world there is less emotional crap over there, it's quiet and I will be able,to control my food intake. I won't be able to weigh in for a week and from then on I'll be hopefully in a weight loss space so that when I come home after a week I can continue my journey.
Previously I have used this method and it has worked well, I will blog every day as I think the journal like format is good for me to write in.
Plan for use of time whilst in detoxifying environment.
8am- wake up, get showered and dressed.
8:30am- watch the news or something on TV.
9am- Breakfast- 1/2 carton of soup and glass of squash-104
9:15-10:15- Read book.
10:15-11am- Stress tape.
11-11:30- watch programme on 40d/start writing my own book.
11:30-12pm-blog
12-1pm- motivation board, or something artistic with magazines.
1pm- Lunch- soup weight watchers with a glass of squash-74
1:30-3:30pm- read book.
3:30-5:30- siesta/continue an activity outlined.
5:30-6:30pm, prepare dinner for Nanny.
6:30- prepare my own dinner- soup and glass of squash-74.
7-9- reading.
9-10:30- TV
10:30pm- wash face, clean teeth and bed.
Total- 252. Follow this plan for one week. In treatment this would be 1/16th of full plan. Hope I see results.
I feel confident this will be useful to me and then In one week, I will be able,to review my weight loss.
Writing this down and knowing I have a plan has been helpful.
Will try this plan at home tomorrow and see how it works out, I know that the stress puts added pressure on following a plan.
Blog tomorrow, comments always welcome. Xxx
So from Monday, I am going to my Nanny's house- away from the emotional crap and all the food at home that keeps being shoved in my face by my parents.
I am going for 1 week, I will take my reading with me, I am currently finishing 'Good wives' by Louisa May Alcott. I am also going to take my stress tapes with me, both 'The Secret' and also Paul McKenna reducing stress and Anxiety. I will also work on a massive motivation project board, this will give me something to do with my hands and a focus. I will not be on Facebook, i sometimes think its good to have a break from social media sites and reduce interaction with the outside world there is less emotional crap over there, it's quiet and I will be able,to control my food intake. I won't be able to weigh in for a week and from then on I'll be hopefully in a weight loss space so that when I come home after a week I can continue my journey.
Previously I have used this method and it has worked well, I will blog every day as I think the journal like format is good for me to write in.
Plan for use of time whilst in detoxifying environment.
8am- wake up, get showered and dressed.
8:30am- watch the news or something on TV.
9am- Breakfast- 1/2 carton of soup and glass of squash-104
9:15-10:15- Read book.
10:15-11am- Stress tape.
11-11:30- watch programme on 40d/start writing my own book.
11:30-12pm-blog
12-1pm- motivation board, or something artistic with magazines.
1pm- Lunch- soup weight watchers with a glass of squash-74
1:30-3:30pm- read book.
3:30-5:30- siesta/continue an activity outlined.
5:30-6:30pm, prepare dinner for Nanny.
6:30- prepare my own dinner- soup and glass of squash-74.
7-9- reading.
9-10:30- TV
10:30pm- wash face, clean teeth and bed.
Total- 252. Follow this plan for one week. In treatment this would be 1/16th of full plan. Hope I see results.
I feel confident this will be useful to me and then In one week, I will be able,to review my weight loss.
Writing this down and knowing I have a plan has been helpful.
Will try this plan at home tomorrow and see how it works out, I know that the stress puts added pressure on following a plan.
Blog tomorrow, comments always welcome. Xxx
Friday, 12 July 2013
Misery
I haven't been on for a while as I have had a horrible time recently. For 1 thing, my local team won't stop calling I am beginning to view it as harassment , 6 times a day To make an appointment, don't they get it I AM NOT INTERESTED.
Secondly I went to my GP at one weight and he took some bloods and said I was severely dehydrated and had to go to hospital for a drip. I got given 3 litres of IV fluid and gained 1/2 a stone overnight, I have subsequently almost returned to the 'weight I was' at the end of my stay in treatment. I am gutted and now do not want to leave the house, I have today cried, screamed, self harmed, considered whether life is worth living and now don't feel its possible to go back to my job. 7lbs in a day-they will Definitely notice and my clothes are all tight, why don't i just end the agony now?
The rehydration has puffed out what used to bea flat stomach and filled up my legs, my hip bomes are nearly non existent. I am repulsive walking and I wish at the moment I wasn't here. So now I am going to have to ring my GP surgery on Monday and inform him I am 3kg heavier, I am so embarrassed, ashamed and disgusted by myself. I wouldn't feel the need to inform my GP but, I have an appointment soon and he weighs me, and I don't want to have to explain there and then, that no I didn't stuff ,yield constantly from the minute he previously saw me.
I won't be going back to work tomorrow, and I certainly will be restricting, I am at rehydrated weight and its time to get down to business. I want to lose ideally 7lbs this week or at least 5lbs. I know it's a LOT but I won't be comfortable or semi comfortable atleast until I do.
Goals for this week- 1) rigidly stick to food plan.
2) succeed in losing weight, as set by band.
3) Blog everyday to be accountable.
4) weigh in tomorrow to,get a starting point and Saturday next week to review progress.
Has anyone else had massive weight gain after IV fluids, i didn't pee out any of it and. Am so depressed I can't bear to look at my body? Dreading a shower or bath later.
Laxatives and Valium needed tonight, I got no sleep at the hospital as the Canular was put in the smallest of veins on my upper arm.
It's bright and sunny outside and I just want to crawl I see the covers and hide.
Until tomorrow, goodnight and if I blog tomorrow ou'll know I survived not sure whether that's a good thing or not really. Xxx
Secondly I went to my GP at one weight and he took some bloods and said I was severely dehydrated and had to go to hospital for a drip. I got given 3 litres of IV fluid and gained 1/2 a stone overnight, I have subsequently almost returned to the 'weight I was' at the end of my stay in treatment. I am gutted and now do not want to leave the house, I have today cried, screamed, self harmed, considered whether life is worth living and now don't feel its possible to go back to my job. 7lbs in a day-they will Definitely notice and my clothes are all tight, why don't i just end the agony now?
The rehydration has puffed out what used to bea flat stomach and filled up my legs, my hip bomes are nearly non existent. I am repulsive walking and I wish at the moment I wasn't here. So now I am going to have to ring my GP surgery on Monday and inform him I am 3kg heavier, I am so embarrassed, ashamed and disgusted by myself. I wouldn't feel the need to inform my GP but, I have an appointment soon and he weighs me, and I don't want to have to explain there and then, that no I didn't stuff ,yield constantly from the minute he previously saw me.
I won't be going back to work tomorrow, and I certainly will be restricting, I am at rehydrated weight and its time to get down to business. I want to lose ideally 7lbs this week or at least 5lbs. I know it's a LOT but I won't be comfortable or semi comfortable atleast until I do.
Goals for this week- 1) rigidly stick to food plan.
2) succeed in losing weight, as set by band.
3) Blog everyday to be accountable.
4) weigh in tomorrow to,get a starting point and Saturday next week to review progress.
Has anyone else had massive weight gain after IV fluids, i didn't pee out any of it and. Am so depressed I can't bear to look at my body? Dreading a shower or bath later.
Laxatives and Valium needed tonight, I got no sleep at the hospital as the Canular was put in the smallest of veins on my upper arm.
It's bright and sunny outside and I just want to crawl I see the covers and hide.
Until tomorrow, goodnight and if I blog tomorrow ou'll know I survived not sure whether that's a good thing or not really. Xxx
Wednesday, 3 July 2013
What anorexia had to say today
Today has been a hard day, i am full of regret, longing and wishing.
To start I wish I was having a better day, and I suppose I would be if I had never been in an inpatient unit that not only ruined my body but also ruined anorexia as my secret. Now i have professionals treading on my toes, since leaving the unit, determined to maul my anorexia and further obliterate my sense of self.
I have skilfully been ignoring them, though I know that it's only a matter of time before they make a house call.
Today anorexia had a lot to say so prepare for the minefield. Here is what has been running through my head, I have had no peace today as my self hatred gets louder and louder.
1) How could you have let them do this to you? Ravish your body into this fat repulsive entity? I told myself it wasn't my fault that I had not wanted treatment, I had run from it twice but been told if I failed to comply I would have been sectioned. This appeases me slightly but I still feel I have not tried hard enough, the weight needs to come off faster, it took time to lose and six months for the unit to put on.
2) My period came today (I am yet another anomalies), I have a BMI of 13.2 and I am still ovulating. I cling to this, clearly this is my body's way of saying it has loads of fat to have a period so I definitely don't need to gain weight, I need to lose! My head tells me I am a disgusting freak of nature.
3) All the bones have gone, my chest bones, hip bones all less pronounced than they used to be. They were mine and they have been taken from me. I am hateful at myself and even more hateful at every morsel of food and supplement drink that changed my body. When I look in the mirror my thoughts race 'your arms are disgusting, they used to be thinner now they are flabby', 'those thighs, sturdy and rounded, they will take forever to change', 'my stomach was flatter'. I want to rip you to shreds you ugly worthless piece of crap, I am going to make you how you should have been. You have betrayed me and I hate you, yet I have to be in you all day long.
4) What if despite your best efforts you don't lose weight? Then what? You can't leave the house until you have lost at least 4lbs. What if you gain? I tell myself to relax that living on 250-350 kcals a day will make me lose weight, but with my parents weight loss will be slowed down they are feeders and I don't want to be fed.
5) How dare you feel hungry? How dare you give in? What will that liquid do to your weight, what will any of it do to your weight. How dare you sit down, you lazy piece of shit.
I hate you, you fat ugly freak and tomorrow it's war, you are not my friend and I do not like you right now but eventually we will be okay. When the weight comes off and the bones become more prominent the abuse you are experiencing will quieten down, but for now you will have to tolerate it because its what you deserve, punishment for every ounce of weight gain, you should have fought harder.
Anyone else having these thoughts? Comments would be welcome, feeling very low today. Xxx
To start I wish I was having a better day, and I suppose I would be if I had never been in an inpatient unit that not only ruined my body but also ruined anorexia as my secret. Now i have professionals treading on my toes, since leaving the unit, determined to maul my anorexia and further obliterate my sense of self.
I have skilfully been ignoring them, though I know that it's only a matter of time before they make a house call.
Today anorexia had a lot to say so prepare for the minefield. Here is what has been running through my head, I have had no peace today as my self hatred gets louder and louder.
1) How could you have let them do this to you? Ravish your body into this fat repulsive entity? I told myself it wasn't my fault that I had not wanted treatment, I had run from it twice but been told if I failed to comply I would have been sectioned. This appeases me slightly but I still feel I have not tried hard enough, the weight needs to come off faster, it took time to lose and six months for the unit to put on.
2) My period came today (I am yet another anomalies), I have a BMI of 13.2 and I am still ovulating. I cling to this, clearly this is my body's way of saying it has loads of fat to have a period so I definitely don't need to gain weight, I need to lose! My head tells me I am a disgusting freak of nature.
3) All the bones have gone, my chest bones, hip bones all less pronounced than they used to be. They were mine and they have been taken from me. I am hateful at myself and even more hateful at every morsel of food and supplement drink that changed my body. When I look in the mirror my thoughts race 'your arms are disgusting, they used to be thinner now they are flabby', 'those thighs, sturdy and rounded, they will take forever to change', 'my stomach was flatter'. I want to rip you to shreds you ugly worthless piece of crap, I am going to make you how you should have been. You have betrayed me and I hate you, yet I have to be in you all day long.
4) What if despite your best efforts you don't lose weight? Then what? You can't leave the house until you have lost at least 4lbs. What if you gain? I tell myself to relax that living on 250-350 kcals a day will make me lose weight, but with my parents weight loss will be slowed down they are feeders and I don't want to be fed.
5) How dare you feel hungry? How dare you give in? What will that liquid do to your weight, what will any of it do to your weight. How dare you sit down, you lazy piece of shit.
I hate you, you fat ugly freak and tomorrow it's war, you are not my friend and I do not like you right now but eventually we will be okay. When the weight comes off and the bones become more prominent the abuse you are experiencing will quieten down, but for now you will have to tolerate it because its what you deserve, punishment for every ounce of weight gain, you should have fought harder.
Anyone else having these thoughts? Comments would be welcome, feeling very low today. Xxx
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