Hi All
Things have been hard especially with my father being the grade one arsehole he knows how to be, my father thinks he is blameless for my anxiety, my stress, my unhappiness but he is so often the emotional trigger in my life I wish I could cut out.
I hate my dad, he's a selfish, arrogant, prick and unfortunately for me I share DNA with him.
I heard that he was taking 10 days holiday for Christmas and this filled me with dread, him at home day in day out criticising, making snarky comments, running my mother ragged as she makes more excuses for his laziness. His presence makes my anxiety shoot through the roof, I felt my heart beating fast and wishing I could be away from him. His energy is so negative, I feel dragged down by his hate and self righteousness. Being the product of a very dysfunctional relationship isn't easy, as I grew up I observed and noted from a very young age that He is the taker, whilst my mother is the giver in the relationship, he sucks everything out of her until she is completely dry and she lets him. He pretends he is not selfish and that his intentions are good, whilst it's clear to everyone else that his only concern is for himself. He's not in love with my mum, he's just in love with being waited on hand food and finger, whilst living as though he is a bachelor. He seems to get the best of both worlds, swanning off whenever he wants from his family to do what he genuinely wants to do whilst coming home whenever he likes to enjoy the stability of a family life, where unfortunately my mother caters to his every whim.
In some respect I suppose she is partly to blame, my mother that is. She has allowed this man and his faults to dominate her life and her children's for years. My father is a chauvinistic pig, who thinks whatever he does goes beneath the radar, sadly for him his behaviour became transparent to me at a very young age. I don't have a relationship with my dad like most young women would do, I can't stand my dad. He is emotionally inept, self involved, and uncompromising. The idea of my dad doing all the mile stones with me fills me with horror. I would never want him to walk me down the isle, if I were to ever to get married, I wouldn't want him if I had any children (which I think is highly unlikely) to be massively involved in their lives, I see him as toxic he always utilises me as his kicking post, finding blame anywhere he can to be assigned to me. I feel uncomfortable in my own home when he is present. I desperately wish my mother would put him in his place, let him know she knows his behaviour is unacceptable and that this complete disrespect he has shown towards her and his children will not be tolerated. I deeply resent him for the dynamics that he has created within our home and I desperately wish my mother would act as though she had a spine. It's so odd that In all other aspects of her life she has no issue with holding back, ever but when it comes to him he becomes a fragile precious little darling to be catered to. Rather than the Middle aged, mummy's boy that he has always been.
As a child I use to resent his absence, always doing what he wanted to do, going to golf while my mother did everything in the house, whilst secretly resenting him but never telling him. So his behaviour went unchecked, and the relationship became even more one sided, it seemed to become a marriage of convenience rather than a marriage of love.
My father has always put his own mother first before his own family. She is a bitch, and always has been, my dad would allow her to bully me as a child, calling me names, 'fat' 'ugly' 'plain', from the 'other side of the family'. He never said a word in response to her, I was never worthy enough for him to fight for me, to stand up to his prig of a mother. The day I heard them talking saying that I was 'too fat' and had to 'have something done about it', was the day both of them became transparent to me. My Grandmother is my Grandmother in name only, she is nothing to me but a decrepid old biddy who shunned me as a child, and my father is a spineless coward who would never cross his mother. The day I heard that and he would not stand up for me was the day when I decided my father is no one to me.
I will never forget one year when it was Christmas, I was 14 years old, my father had food poisoning and was laying in bed. It was maybe 10am in the morning, he could not go in to see his mother who at this point had so many ailments she needed 24h nursing care, and was in a nursing home. My brother and I had not opened anymore presents as he beckoned my mother, my brother and I all in to the room as he barked 'you better all hurry up and go and see my mum, you need to hurry up, stop faffing about'. My mother told him that we would go soon but we weren't ready, he told her that was not good enough and we had to go that instant. I hated him. There are many point in my life where I have hated my father, and this was one of them. Our own enjoyment was irrelevant to him, the fact that I had not even had a shower didn't matter, what we wanted to do didn't count, it was all about what he wanted, how his mother was the most important and we had to forget about ourselves. We were there an hour, in the nursing home, and came back, he told us that we had not spent enough time with her. Never mind the fact that we had guests coming for Christmas dinner and we needed to be at home 'fuck them' he said, my mother's family could be let down but his precious mother had to have all the time in the world spent with her.
Both my parents favour my brother, my mother has always had more time for him, loved him more and been much softer with him than she is with me, my father makes it quite clear I hold no place with him emotionally other than with the title of his daughter. He hates I see his faults, no one is perfect don't get me wrong but it's the blatant selfishness that gets me every single time.
My mother is the one who does everything, when it come to Christmas she buys all the presents but he must put his name to it, I don't thank him anymore for any gifts and why should I? He has never helped my mother at all, he's happy to take the credit but not to open his wallet. This kind of selfishness kills me, he will let my mum pay for everything and if she didn't offer to pay he never would. He feels no remorse, no guilt for the weedy man he has become.
He is emotionally abusive, he has called me names and used my illness as an excuse to suggest my recollection of things are untrustworthy. I hate this. Eating disordered I am, but demented I am not.
I needed to write about this to release some of the deep seated hurt and anger I have felt that has been bubbling away since he has been at home more.
Do you have a parent that is an emotional trigger?
If so how do you distance yourself from it?
Love and Peace
V
xxx
Sunday, 22 December 2013
Thursday, 19 December 2013
A better day
Hi All
Bad day over yesterday thank god and today is slightly better. I haven't been able to break the cycle for rehydration today but I have been able to eat a little bit of breakfast, and plan for tomorrow.
I have discovered that some foods just don't work for me, I can't eat them, if I do I panic and end up excersising like crazy, feasting on laxatives or being so bloated I don't know what to do with myself.
These foods are
1) Bread
2) Pasta- NUMBER ONE MASSIVE food that never ever works for me.
3) Red meat
4) Butter
5) Cakes, biscuits etc
6) Greasy food
7) Potatoes
8) Rice
9) Mayo
10) Foods with a large surface area.
Soup works well for me but I worry about the heaviness of it in my body compared to something else so when I have soup I tend to massively restrict on liquids, to compensate for it. I love the covent Garden Mushroom soup, they rarely have it in supermarkets and I have to go to lots of different places to get it, but I love it. 81kcals of pure heaven. When I have gone through 'rehydration' and am dieting to get my weight back to where I need it to be this will be something I will be eating often.
I have to plan a brunch menu for people who are coming over for xmas brunch on Saturday. I'm doing scrambled eggs with chives, veggie and non veggie sausages, breakfast potatoes, croissants, home made blueberry muffins, German Christmas cake (don't know how to spell it schtolen?), breakfast potatoes with rosemary and garlic, smoked salmon, fresh fruit salad, granola parfait, I hope it's good. I love doing stuff for other people like this, even though I doubt i'll eat any of it, maybe a little fresh fruit.
I can't believe it's a little under a week until xmas! Where has the time gone?
Anyways, just my ramblings for today.
#feeling calmer.
peace, love and hope.
xxxx
V
Bad day over yesterday thank god and today is slightly better. I haven't been able to break the cycle for rehydration today but I have been able to eat a little bit of breakfast, and plan for tomorrow.
I have discovered that some foods just don't work for me, I can't eat them, if I do I panic and end up excersising like crazy, feasting on laxatives or being so bloated I don't know what to do with myself.
These foods are
1) Bread
2) Pasta- NUMBER ONE MASSIVE food that never ever works for me.
3) Red meat
4) Butter
5) Cakes, biscuits etc
6) Greasy food
7) Potatoes
8) Rice
9) Mayo
10) Foods with a large surface area.
Soup works well for me but I worry about the heaviness of it in my body compared to something else so when I have soup I tend to massively restrict on liquids, to compensate for it. I love the covent Garden Mushroom soup, they rarely have it in supermarkets and I have to go to lots of different places to get it, but I love it. 81kcals of pure heaven. When I have gone through 'rehydration' and am dieting to get my weight back to where I need it to be this will be something I will be eating often.
I have to plan a brunch menu for people who are coming over for xmas brunch on Saturday. I'm doing scrambled eggs with chives, veggie and non veggie sausages, breakfast potatoes, croissants, home made blueberry muffins, German Christmas cake (don't know how to spell it schtolen?), breakfast potatoes with rosemary and garlic, smoked salmon, fresh fruit salad, granola parfait, I hope it's good. I love doing stuff for other people like this, even though I doubt i'll eat any of it, maybe a little fresh fruit.
I can't believe it's a little under a week until xmas! Where has the time gone?
Anyways, just my ramblings for today.
#feeling calmer.
peace, love and hope.
xxxx
V
Wednesday, 18 December 2013
Feeling deflated, angry and unsure
Dear all
So it's been a month since I have been blogging, I feel like I have been in hibernation, sorry about that. I have been crazy busy with my essay submissions for uni which are now all handed in thank god.
So I guess what I have to own up to is that I haven't managed to go through rehydration yet like I was suppose to. I'm too scared, though things aren't exactly working out well as they are at the moment.
As you know I had been ill and had lost "water" weight from that, I know this logically but emotionally accepting that the water needs to be put back is another story. I have put on 1kg in a day! I am furious, I was so angry in fact that I through a vase that I have always hated on the floor and watched it smash.
I'm so angry, i'm angry at my body that this putrid, vile destestible piece of shit could betray me like this, i'm suppose to be stepping away from the scales in order to go through rehydration but I can't. The scales tell me whether i'm happy or miserable for the day, whether I can eat, need to fast, take laxatives, need to spend my day exercising or whether it's so depressing I need to stay in bed and sleep the day away etc. I don't want to get out of bed when the scales have gone up. And now the xmas season is upon us and I have all these parties to go to.
Problem for Victoria and Anorexia is that I can't face going through 'rehydration' and having to attend to all these parties feeling like the fucking elephant in the room. People know me and going through rehydration is too difficult to explain to people. "Hi Yes, I have put on weight, but no it's not from food but water and please don't think this means i'm happy and doing well with food- i'm not'. Definitely not a great conversation starter. So i'm going to have to put on this brave face and do that smile everyone does when they don't want to talk about It but have to pretend like they are happy. If I hear any more comments about how 'well' I look and 'congratulations' for going into treatment last year, then I will scream. All these fucking people haven't got a clue how hard it is for me, how I didn't want it, how I don't want it and how that the process of rehydration is nothing more than a way for me to regain control, stop using behaviours I hate and lose the weight to where I am happy, comfortable and not suicidal.
I have gone through rehydration before, but every time it's through an infusion, but I don't need the infusion currently because i'm taking pills to make sure my electrolytes stay in range, I wasn't doing that before but I have learnt my lesson.
My fear is that i'll gain huge amounts and not stabilise. I know this isn't possible logically, no human just keeps on going and going. But emotionally I feel like an insect being tortured with a huge magnifying glass burning away at my soul. I can't bear to look at me, I can barely tolerate my body as it is today, how the hell am I going to get through 4-6lbs of water weight gain?
I comfort myself for today with the massive packet of laxatives I have taken, your suppose to take one pill, but I've taken 8 and i'll take more later. I'm cross and want a good starting point, for rehydration. I'm thinking maybe I can help myself by fasting for the next couple of days and losing actual weight, that way the rehydration amount won't seem so bad. The problem for me is that when I get to a weight I feel okay at, I get attatched and gaining water, fat, muscle, weight, whatever it maybe becomes so unbearable.
What they did to me in treatment is abuse, I know that, they violated me and I will never let that go, but I feel by going through rehydration i'm mimicking what they did to me in treatment, only it would be temporary. The problem for me is I don't know if I have the fight in me to stay the course of 10-14 days to stabilise my water rehydration without panicking way too much and packing it in.
I know logically I must be dehydrated, I ate 200 kcal on one day and didn't lose a bean the next day. Imagine what would happen to me if I ate 1000 or 800. 1000 is way to high and completely unreaslistic I think, for one i'd never be able to get it down and 2 i'd be in agony, my stomach aches when I eat.
I just wish I had never been forced into treatment and this nightmare would have not been so great, I would either have died and been at peace or been happy in my disorder, now i'm in limbo and the mountain seems to great to climb.
Looking for strength and peace of mind, and a shit load of weight loss by tomorrow.
Hoping to hear from someone, my heart is aching.
Until my angry blog tomorrow
V
xxx
So it's been a month since I have been blogging, I feel like I have been in hibernation, sorry about that. I have been crazy busy with my essay submissions for uni which are now all handed in thank god.
So I guess what I have to own up to is that I haven't managed to go through rehydration yet like I was suppose to. I'm too scared, though things aren't exactly working out well as they are at the moment.
As you know I had been ill and had lost "water" weight from that, I know this logically but emotionally accepting that the water needs to be put back is another story. I have put on 1kg in a day! I am furious, I was so angry in fact that I through a vase that I have always hated on the floor and watched it smash.
I'm so angry, i'm angry at my body that this putrid, vile destestible piece of shit could betray me like this, i'm suppose to be stepping away from the scales in order to go through rehydration but I can't. The scales tell me whether i'm happy or miserable for the day, whether I can eat, need to fast, take laxatives, need to spend my day exercising or whether it's so depressing I need to stay in bed and sleep the day away etc. I don't want to get out of bed when the scales have gone up. And now the xmas season is upon us and I have all these parties to go to.
Problem for Victoria and Anorexia is that I can't face going through 'rehydration' and having to attend to all these parties feeling like the fucking elephant in the room. People know me and going through rehydration is too difficult to explain to people. "Hi Yes, I have put on weight, but no it's not from food but water and please don't think this means i'm happy and doing well with food- i'm not'. Definitely not a great conversation starter. So i'm going to have to put on this brave face and do that smile everyone does when they don't want to talk about It but have to pretend like they are happy. If I hear any more comments about how 'well' I look and 'congratulations' for going into treatment last year, then I will scream. All these fucking people haven't got a clue how hard it is for me, how I didn't want it, how I don't want it and how that the process of rehydration is nothing more than a way for me to regain control, stop using behaviours I hate and lose the weight to where I am happy, comfortable and not suicidal.
I have gone through rehydration before, but every time it's through an infusion, but I don't need the infusion currently because i'm taking pills to make sure my electrolytes stay in range, I wasn't doing that before but I have learnt my lesson.
My fear is that i'll gain huge amounts and not stabilise. I know this isn't possible logically, no human just keeps on going and going. But emotionally I feel like an insect being tortured with a huge magnifying glass burning away at my soul. I can't bear to look at me, I can barely tolerate my body as it is today, how the hell am I going to get through 4-6lbs of water weight gain?
I comfort myself for today with the massive packet of laxatives I have taken, your suppose to take one pill, but I've taken 8 and i'll take more later. I'm cross and want a good starting point, for rehydration. I'm thinking maybe I can help myself by fasting for the next couple of days and losing actual weight, that way the rehydration amount won't seem so bad. The problem for me is that when I get to a weight I feel okay at, I get attatched and gaining water, fat, muscle, weight, whatever it maybe becomes so unbearable.
What they did to me in treatment is abuse, I know that, they violated me and I will never let that go, but I feel by going through rehydration i'm mimicking what they did to me in treatment, only it would be temporary. The problem for me is I don't know if I have the fight in me to stay the course of 10-14 days to stabilise my water rehydration without panicking way too much and packing it in.
I know logically I must be dehydrated, I ate 200 kcal on one day and didn't lose a bean the next day. Imagine what would happen to me if I ate 1000 or 800. 1000 is way to high and completely unreaslistic I think, for one i'd never be able to get it down and 2 i'd be in agony, my stomach aches when I eat.
I just wish I had never been forced into treatment and this nightmare would have not been so great, I would either have died and been at peace or been happy in my disorder, now i'm in limbo and the mountain seems to great to climb.
Looking for strength and peace of mind, and a shit load of weight loss by tomorrow.
Hoping to hear from someone, my heart is aching.
Until my angry blog tomorrow
V
xxx
Friday, 22 November 2013
Accepting the set backs
Hello everyone
So here's the thing, this week has not been good which is why I have sort of fallen of the face of the earth with my blogging this week. Firstly the use of laxatives have not been good, bad for Victoria Great for Anorexia.
Secondly, I know that from being ill I have been dehydrated but for some reason I can't seem to let go of the fear of the rehydration, and it's effect on the scales so consequentially the entire cycle restarted itself with a vengeance- no where near as bad as before but not great. Losing 'weight' has only made me want to get back to actual hydrated weight in order to lose properly back to where I want to be as quickly as possible. As a consequence of being ashamed to say I have not followed through with what my nutritionist asked me to do, I have cancelled my appointment with her. I'm suppose to see her every week but I told a massive lie about having to see my dissertation supervisor and not being able to go in and see her today. I consequently turned my phone off so she can't get hold of me today. I just can't deal with any more chat about it or to admit to her things haven't gone well. Hopefully if I see her next week, I will have had a week of break through and therefore will be in a better position to talk to her about how to proceed, so really i'm doing her a favour, rather than wasting her time..or rather that's how it goes in my head.
So here I am at my knees after four days of hell, trying once again to break the cycle. I did fine this morning- I had my cereal with Alpro soya light milk and 2 cups of tea (213 kcal)
I spoke to my mum about how hard it is for me to let go of the fear and just accept what may happen and sort things out as of when I get there. She's going to support me and help me to try my hardest to break this cycle. She knows I can't be an uncomfortable weight without ultimately relapsing, so atleast I know in my heart of hearts that this is a temporary situation.
So i'm going to have a sandwhich for lunch- two small pieces of the small 50 calories a slice bread, no butter or mayo with 1 egg and 1 egg white with some ketchup, that makes (250) (I measure out the ketchup too.
After that i'm going to have some prawns with courgette for my dinner that makes in the region of (200) which totals my day to like (650ish) but I have to get to 750/800 for the purpose of not being "dehydrated". So i'll add a chupa chup or a lollypop. I have a fear of eating things that physically weigh a lot in my body. It's so much easier for me to avoid that completely and eat things that weigh within 300g otherwise I get very anxious about how the physical weight of the food will affect my weight the next morning. I don't care for the line of 'best fit' which indicates an average weight. I want it to be the same every morning, except when I want to lose and in which case then I want to see it going down. Up is awful, so as a result I am not going to weigh myself from today until Wednesday, because I know I won't be able to carry on if the scales are being horrid.
After a year out of practice of writing an essay, i'm stiff with my prose as I try to carry forward this essay that I need to have written by the 9th of December, I've written 500 words in about 10 days, which is majorly slow. I'm so nervous about it, and I find the message of what I want to say so complicated that i'm finding the process emotionally exhausting.
Oh well, I guess I better get back to the essay, the resistance found in the mill on the floss won't write itself.
Hoping things will progress well today with the essay, i'm also going to go and see my nan with some muffins I made for her, and take a walk so i'm not staring at my screen all day.
Have you ever had set backs? If so how did you overcome them?
# HOPING FOR INSPIRATION.
Love, peace and serenity always.
V
xxx
So here's the thing, this week has not been good which is why I have sort of fallen of the face of the earth with my blogging this week. Firstly the use of laxatives have not been good, bad for Victoria Great for Anorexia.
Secondly, I know that from being ill I have been dehydrated but for some reason I can't seem to let go of the fear of the rehydration, and it's effect on the scales so consequentially the entire cycle restarted itself with a vengeance- no where near as bad as before but not great. Losing 'weight' has only made me want to get back to actual hydrated weight in order to lose properly back to where I want to be as quickly as possible. As a consequence of being ashamed to say I have not followed through with what my nutritionist asked me to do, I have cancelled my appointment with her. I'm suppose to see her every week but I told a massive lie about having to see my dissertation supervisor and not being able to go in and see her today. I consequently turned my phone off so she can't get hold of me today. I just can't deal with any more chat about it or to admit to her things haven't gone well. Hopefully if I see her next week, I will have had a week of break through and therefore will be in a better position to talk to her about how to proceed, so really i'm doing her a favour, rather than wasting her time..or rather that's how it goes in my head.
So here I am at my knees after four days of hell, trying once again to break the cycle. I did fine this morning- I had my cereal with Alpro soya light milk and 2 cups of tea (213 kcal)
I spoke to my mum about how hard it is for me to let go of the fear and just accept what may happen and sort things out as of when I get there. She's going to support me and help me to try my hardest to break this cycle. She knows I can't be an uncomfortable weight without ultimately relapsing, so atleast I know in my heart of hearts that this is a temporary situation.
So i'm going to have a sandwhich for lunch- two small pieces of the small 50 calories a slice bread, no butter or mayo with 1 egg and 1 egg white with some ketchup, that makes (250) (I measure out the ketchup too.
After that i'm going to have some prawns with courgette for my dinner that makes in the region of (200) which totals my day to like (650ish) but I have to get to 750/800 for the purpose of not being "dehydrated". So i'll add a chupa chup or a lollypop. I have a fear of eating things that physically weigh a lot in my body. It's so much easier for me to avoid that completely and eat things that weigh within 300g otherwise I get very anxious about how the physical weight of the food will affect my weight the next morning. I don't care for the line of 'best fit' which indicates an average weight. I want it to be the same every morning, except when I want to lose and in which case then I want to see it going down. Up is awful, so as a result I am not going to weigh myself from today until Wednesday, because I know I won't be able to carry on if the scales are being horrid.
After a year out of practice of writing an essay, i'm stiff with my prose as I try to carry forward this essay that I need to have written by the 9th of December, I've written 500 words in about 10 days, which is majorly slow. I'm so nervous about it, and I find the message of what I want to say so complicated that i'm finding the process emotionally exhausting.
Oh well, I guess I better get back to the essay, the resistance found in the mill on the floss won't write itself.
Hoping things will progress well today with the essay, i'm also going to go and see my nan with some muffins I made for her, and take a walk so i'm not staring at my screen all day.
Have you ever had set backs? If so how did you overcome them?
# HOPING FOR INSPIRATION.
Love, peace and serenity always.
V
xxx
Saturday, 16 November 2013
ups and downs
Hi All,
Things have taken a bit of an unexpected turn since I started trying to stop the b/p cycle and eat a little bit again. I got ill- not my fault, some kind of stomach bug and that has had an effect on my weight- great for anorexia, bad for me. Anorexia is very happy about it, but i'm a little worried, for one I know that If I 'rehydrate' myself after the period of illness then i'm going to put back the weight that I lost during illness and also a little from rehydration. This is bad for me because anorexic me is going to be screaming, furious and irritated by what will happen. I wouldn't have even known my weight apart from my dietician telling me she was concerned after she weighed me at our appointment.
Crap, because as soon as I knew this number it became my best friend, I was elated! But being told it may not be real because of sickness put a downer on things, because a number is a number when you see it in your mind, you can't take it back. It just makes me even more determined to go through whatever rehydration I have to on 800-1000 calories and lose weight back to how I was. 35kg by Christmas is my goal.
My dietician isn't happy, she's already told me that the tight rope has got even thinner now, bmi 13, makes her anxious. I of course avoided telling her that I wanted to lose even more once I had gone through rehydration- bad for Victoria again good for Anorexia.
She told me not to weigh myself over the next week while I go through what I need to, i'm going to try to listen to that advice. I'm also going to work on my essay planning over the weekend in the hope of writing it over the next coming week, being ill has made me behind a little bit. Oh well. I guess I have more important fish to fry, or rather grill (pardon the pun).
Today has gone okay, felt guilty about the chips but I included them in my count so that should be okay.
-2 egg whites for breakfast with some ketchup (80)
- packet of gummy sweets ( 220)
- small portion of oven baked chips (230)
I'm going to have something light in the evening, I haven't made 800 maybe i'll have a snacky thing later.
I've also been planning the hampers I am going to make for family and friends over Christmas. I thought this would be a nice idea because hopefully you can't go wrong with some home made goods for Christmas. I'm going to make home made truffles, and Christmas puddings and cake, Christmas cookies, brownies and sweetie trees and put them all in presentation bags and wrap in a cellophane hamper.
Looking forward to making this a special Christmas for my family this year.
Have you ever made a home made hamper?? What did you put in it?
Hoping to hear from you.
xxxx
Things have taken a bit of an unexpected turn since I started trying to stop the b/p cycle and eat a little bit again. I got ill- not my fault, some kind of stomach bug and that has had an effect on my weight- great for anorexia, bad for me. Anorexia is very happy about it, but i'm a little worried, for one I know that If I 'rehydrate' myself after the period of illness then i'm going to put back the weight that I lost during illness and also a little from rehydration. This is bad for me because anorexic me is going to be screaming, furious and irritated by what will happen. I wouldn't have even known my weight apart from my dietician telling me she was concerned after she weighed me at our appointment.
Crap, because as soon as I knew this number it became my best friend, I was elated! But being told it may not be real because of sickness put a downer on things, because a number is a number when you see it in your mind, you can't take it back. It just makes me even more determined to go through whatever rehydration I have to on 800-1000 calories and lose weight back to how I was. 35kg by Christmas is my goal.
My dietician isn't happy, she's already told me that the tight rope has got even thinner now, bmi 13, makes her anxious. I of course avoided telling her that I wanted to lose even more once I had gone through rehydration- bad for Victoria again good for Anorexia.
She told me not to weigh myself over the next week while I go through what I need to, i'm going to try to listen to that advice. I'm also going to work on my essay planning over the weekend in the hope of writing it over the next coming week, being ill has made me behind a little bit. Oh well. I guess I have more important fish to fry, or rather grill (pardon the pun).
Today has gone okay, felt guilty about the chips but I included them in my count so that should be okay.
-2 egg whites for breakfast with some ketchup (80)
- packet of gummy sweets ( 220)
- small portion of oven baked chips (230)
I'm going to have something light in the evening, I haven't made 800 maybe i'll have a snacky thing later.
I've also been planning the hampers I am going to make for family and friends over Christmas. I thought this would be a nice idea because hopefully you can't go wrong with some home made goods for Christmas. I'm going to make home made truffles, and Christmas puddings and cake, Christmas cookies, brownies and sweetie trees and put them all in presentation bags and wrap in a cellophane hamper.
Looking forward to making this a special Christmas for my family this year.
Have you ever made a home made hamper?? What did you put in it?
Hoping to hear from you.
xxxx
Tuesday, 12 November 2013
Christmas is coming
Hi All,
Things have gone well today, stuck to my diet so far hoping rehydration will hurry up and do its thing so I can get back to losing real weight. Anyways, i'm sitting at my computer trying to write an essay and it's just not coming to me at the moment. I'm writing it on 'The Mill on The Floss', looking at the issue of resistance. I'm in the process of planning it, but everything in my mind is a muddle. When the issues are so complicated and trying to relate them to what you want to say in an essay and how they influence things..difficult. I'm sure my dyspraxia isn't helping.
Anyways so I thought I would write a blog post to give me some time away from worrying/procrastinating about this essay. So I thought I would write a blog post on Christmas.
I wasn't at home last Christmas as lots of people know because I was in hospital in the eating disorders ward. Which is why I want things to be really good this year for Christmas, I won't be able to forget last years Christmas and how awful it was for me and my family but I can try to replace the memory for this year.
I love Christmas, i love the excitement and the happiness it brings to Children and families. All the stuff is out in the shops, and things are starting to look Christmassy and one of the things I love to do is make a Christmas pudding and Christmas cake for my family and friends. I wasn't able to do that last year and I was really sad to have to forgo that tradition.
I love to cook, bake anything to do with food..apart from eating it of course, but I love all the tv shows and the ways in which famous chiefs try to put a new spin on things,
and I particularly love the shows at Christmas getting festive and giving great tips to make a perfect family meal.
I have always helped my mum with Christmas food and a few years ago she told me everyone loved my puddings so would I make them from now on. I was about 16 at the time and I have been doing it ever since. I put so much Alcohol in my pudding it is untrue, the recipe that I follow is kind of a mix of family and Nigella Lawson's. I don't use suet, I use butter and breadcrumbs, I don't put mix peel in my Christmas pudding but I do put Glace cherries. I put an entire bottle of brandy in mine and allow it to mature for 6 weeks. I'll be making my Christmas pudding and cake next week and I can't wait!
I'm also going to make a Trifle for Christmas day and also a Chocolate Yule log, I may even try Mince pies- I think the shop bought ones can be okay, particularly places such as Marks and Spencer's.
Goose will be accompanied with, rosemary and garlic roast potatoes, a prune and almanac stuffing, brussel sprouts with pancetta, chestnuts and a maple syrup glaze, honey roasted carrots, parsnips, braised red cabbage. We also always have a honey glazed ham, home made bread sauce and a home made gravy
This year my mum has told me she is doing Goose instead of Turkey. I've never had it but my parents have, and in all this excitement about Christmas my mum decided to interject 'but you won't be eating anything with us, will you?'. My heart sank, it's not just eating the food that makes me feel wretched but in front of people, that heightens anxiety to an entirely new level. I am even more conscious of eating in front of my family and I hate the idea of sitting down with them to eat. My family watch, and there's a false calmness masking the tension. All the while, I feel repulsive and worried what the food is going to do to me. Oh god, no thank you!
I'm hoping by going through rehydration, whatever it may be and then seeing that I can eat without gaining any weight at all and even lose weight, i'll be okay at Christmas to try to sit with my family, to eat just a little bit. I think my mum would really love that, so i'm going to try.
Do you have any family recipes that are a must at Christmas? Do you have any challenges that you must face this year? How will you spend your Christmas?
Hoping to hear from you.
xxx
Things have gone well today, stuck to my diet so far hoping rehydration will hurry up and do its thing so I can get back to losing real weight. Anyways, i'm sitting at my computer trying to write an essay and it's just not coming to me at the moment. I'm writing it on 'The Mill on The Floss', looking at the issue of resistance. I'm in the process of planning it, but everything in my mind is a muddle. When the issues are so complicated and trying to relate them to what you want to say in an essay and how they influence things..difficult. I'm sure my dyspraxia isn't helping.
Anyways so I thought I would write a blog post to give me some time away from worrying/procrastinating about this essay. So I thought I would write a blog post on Christmas.
I wasn't at home last Christmas as lots of people know because I was in hospital in the eating disorders ward. Which is why I want things to be really good this year for Christmas, I won't be able to forget last years Christmas and how awful it was for me and my family but I can try to replace the memory for this year.
I love Christmas, i love the excitement and the happiness it brings to Children and families. All the stuff is out in the shops, and things are starting to look Christmassy and one of the things I love to do is make a Christmas pudding and Christmas cake for my family and friends. I wasn't able to do that last year and I was really sad to have to forgo that tradition.
I love to cook, bake anything to do with food..apart from eating it of course, but I love all the tv shows and the ways in which famous chiefs try to put a new spin on things,
and I particularly love the shows at Christmas getting festive and giving great tips to make a perfect family meal.
I have always helped my mum with Christmas food and a few years ago she told me everyone loved my puddings so would I make them from now on. I was about 16 at the time and I have been doing it ever since. I put so much Alcohol in my pudding it is untrue, the recipe that I follow is kind of a mix of family and Nigella Lawson's. I don't use suet, I use butter and breadcrumbs, I don't put mix peel in my Christmas pudding but I do put Glace cherries. I put an entire bottle of brandy in mine and allow it to mature for 6 weeks. I'll be making my Christmas pudding and cake next week and I can't wait!
I'm also going to make a Trifle for Christmas day and also a Chocolate Yule log, I may even try Mince pies- I think the shop bought ones can be okay, particularly places such as Marks and Spencer's.
Goose will be accompanied with, rosemary and garlic roast potatoes, a prune and almanac stuffing, brussel sprouts with pancetta, chestnuts and a maple syrup glaze, honey roasted carrots, parsnips, braised red cabbage. We also always have a honey glazed ham, home made bread sauce and a home made gravy
This year my mum has told me she is doing Goose instead of Turkey. I've never had it but my parents have, and in all this excitement about Christmas my mum decided to interject 'but you won't be eating anything with us, will you?'. My heart sank, it's not just eating the food that makes me feel wretched but in front of people, that heightens anxiety to an entirely new level. I am even more conscious of eating in front of my family and I hate the idea of sitting down with them to eat. My family watch, and there's a false calmness masking the tension. All the while, I feel repulsive and worried what the food is going to do to me. Oh god, no thank you!
I'm hoping by going through rehydration, whatever it may be and then seeing that I can eat without gaining any weight at all and even lose weight, i'll be okay at Christmas to try to sit with my family, to eat just a little bit. I think my mum would really love that, so i'm going to try.
Do you have any family recipes that are a must at Christmas? Do you have any challenges that you must face this year? How will you spend your Christmas?
Hoping to hear from you.
xxx
Friday, 8 November 2013
The Dark before the Rainbow
Hello everyone, hope you are all well?
I haven't been posting lately because I have been doing some soul searching, been in a big mess and had a massive shock to my system. There are some things that I have realised whilst being away from my blog and engaging with my Dietician.
1) If I can't be honest with someone who is meant to help me then i'm never going to get out of the rut that I am in.
2) Feeling as though I am incapeable of eating anything without putting on weight is making me depressed and sometimes suicidal.
3) I may need to experience some shit in order to break the cycle i'm in and help myself.
4) I had to tell my mum how angry I was with her and my treatment team for the abuse I experienced, and also that I need her to help me and support me as best as she can.
So, I was honest with my dietician about EVERYTHING. She immediately sent me for a blood test, which turns out due to my use of Sando-K everything is fine. Well it is and it isn't. All my bloods are fine, but she told me that my body is going to go through something called rehydration. It's where you stop b/p altogether and eat 800-1000 calories a day. In that time it is not possible to put on fat but water because when we b/p we shrink the glycagon cells in our body which become rehydrated with water when we stop b/p which looks like weight gain. The weight we are when we are actively b/p is false, however comfortable it makes us feel is not real. Don't get me wrong I am scared shitless to follow this plan. It means that I could put on anywhere up to 5kg, but after 7-10 days it will settle. I will maintain on 1000 calories and not put on any weight.
I am only going through rehydration because I got into a whole with the entire being made to eat 2000+ calories in treatment. My Dieitician I have now is much better, she understand that I can't be the higher bmi of 15 like they got me to in treatment and stay there without doing stupid things or existing in a state of depression. She has told me that whatever "weight" I put on from rehydration she will help to get it off for me, Then from there she'll give me a diet to maintain my weight. I'll never have to b/p again and hopefully by the 10th December i'll be happy again.
The plan is to go through rehydration...praying to God to not put on loads, i'll cope with a few pounds but if it's too many I'll go nuts. I am not going to weigh myself for a week. I'm seeing my dietician next Friday.
I don't think i'll be able to do 1000 calories so i'll stick with 800
My version of 800 calories looks like
20g Rice Krispies with Soya milk and a cup of tea (159)
cup of tea with Almond milk (13)
Soup (264)
cup of tea (13)
Dinner- 2 boiled eggs (178)
*Fruitella sweets to be had throughout the day between Breakfast and dinner (1 packet= 164)
That's me doing the best I can for tomorrow. My mum is going to support me and i'm relieved, I'm scared to eat and I'm terrified of my nightmares being realised, but i'm also hopeful. I want this to work, for me to be okay to eat and not feeling unsure what will happen to me. To know that I can eat to maintain and eat to lose weight.
Fear has held me back for too long and although I am only going through the motions of this in order to get to a level where I can eat a little bit again, i'm also doing it so i'm able to be free of the fetters of b/p. Anorexia has been my constant companion for over 5 years now, but the b/p part of my disorder I have no interest in. I'm doing this so that I can eat to lose weight again and get to the weight I always wanted to be. I find when you b/p you can be so dehydrated internally that you get to a point where it's hard to lose anymore. I'm doing this to be free again, free to know that not all food is my enemy that I can eat a little bit and maintain weight or eat a little bit and lose weight.
Christmas last year was hard, I was in hospital apart from xmas day where I wa allowed to come home, after having been in a private eating disorders clinic for a month and a half and had had a stay in the ICU for 3 blood transfusions, 3 potassium infusions, and so on. This year I want happiness not hell, I want to be back to the weight I want to be, able to relax because I am happy with myself and my family not having to worry about running me back to my private unit. All the other patients at the hospital last year had been granted home leave for the xmas period and I had been left alone in the unit deemed too much of a risk. I want to make this xmas special for my family and for myself to be in a better head space than I have been.
9th-18th- Rehydration phase
19th-25th- Real weight loss week 1
25th-2nd- Real Weight loss week 2
2nd-9th- Real Weight Loss Week 3
10th December Goal Weight- 35kg- going to work so hard to get there once the hellish rehydration phase is over.
Have any of you been through rehydration? What happened? What should I expect.
Love
xxx
I haven't been posting lately because I have been doing some soul searching, been in a big mess and had a massive shock to my system. There are some things that I have realised whilst being away from my blog and engaging with my Dietician.
1) If I can't be honest with someone who is meant to help me then i'm never going to get out of the rut that I am in.
2) Feeling as though I am incapeable of eating anything without putting on weight is making me depressed and sometimes suicidal.
3) I may need to experience some shit in order to break the cycle i'm in and help myself.
4) I had to tell my mum how angry I was with her and my treatment team for the abuse I experienced, and also that I need her to help me and support me as best as she can.
So, I was honest with my dietician about EVERYTHING. She immediately sent me for a blood test, which turns out due to my use of Sando-K everything is fine. Well it is and it isn't. All my bloods are fine, but she told me that my body is going to go through something called rehydration. It's where you stop b/p altogether and eat 800-1000 calories a day. In that time it is not possible to put on fat but water because when we b/p we shrink the glycagon cells in our body which become rehydrated with water when we stop b/p which looks like weight gain. The weight we are when we are actively b/p is false, however comfortable it makes us feel is not real. Don't get me wrong I am scared shitless to follow this plan. It means that I could put on anywhere up to 5kg, but after 7-10 days it will settle. I will maintain on 1000 calories and not put on any weight.
I am only going through rehydration because I got into a whole with the entire being made to eat 2000+ calories in treatment. My Dieitician I have now is much better, she understand that I can't be the higher bmi of 15 like they got me to in treatment and stay there without doing stupid things or existing in a state of depression. She has told me that whatever "weight" I put on from rehydration she will help to get it off for me, Then from there she'll give me a diet to maintain my weight. I'll never have to b/p again and hopefully by the 10th December i'll be happy again.
The plan is to go through rehydration...praying to God to not put on loads, i'll cope with a few pounds but if it's too many I'll go nuts. I am not going to weigh myself for a week. I'm seeing my dietician next Friday.
I don't think i'll be able to do 1000 calories so i'll stick with 800
My version of 800 calories looks like
20g Rice Krispies with Soya milk and a cup of tea (159)
cup of tea with Almond milk (13)
Soup (264)
cup of tea (13)
Dinner- 2 boiled eggs (178)
*Fruitella sweets to be had throughout the day between Breakfast and dinner (1 packet= 164)
That's me doing the best I can for tomorrow. My mum is going to support me and i'm relieved, I'm scared to eat and I'm terrified of my nightmares being realised, but i'm also hopeful. I want this to work, for me to be okay to eat and not feeling unsure what will happen to me. To know that I can eat to maintain and eat to lose weight.
Fear has held me back for too long and although I am only going through the motions of this in order to get to a level where I can eat a little bit again, i'm also doing it so i'm able to be free of the fetters of b/p. Anorexia has been my constant companion for over 5 years now, but the b/p part of my disorder I have no interest in. I'm doing this so that I can eat to lose weight again and get to the weight I always wanted to be. I find when you b/p you can be so dehydrated internally that you get to a point where it's hard to lose anymore. I'm doing this to be free again, free to know that not all food is my enemy that I can eat a little bit and maintain weight or eat a little bit and lose weight.
Christmas last year was hard, I was in hospital apart from xmas day where I wa allowed to come home, after having been in a private eating disorders clinic for a month and a half and had had a stay in the ICU for 3 blood transfusions, 3 potassium infusions, and so on. This year I want happiness not hell, I want to be back to the weight I want to be, able to relax because I am happy with myself and my family not having to worry about running me back to my private unit. All the other patients at the hospital last year had been granted home leave for the xmas period and I had been left alone in the unit deemed too much of a risk. I want to make this xmas special for my family and for myself to be in a better head space than I have been.
9th-18th- Rehydration phase
19th-25th- Real weight loss week 1
25th-2nd- Real Weight loss week 2
2nd-9th- Real Weight Loss Week 3
10th December Goal Weight- 35kg- going to work so hard to get there once the hellish rehydration phase is over.
Have any of you been through rehydration? What happened? What should I expect.
Love
xxx
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